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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I try to stay out of it, operationally and logistically. I also do NOT judge. I know people who have deep emotional wounds and for whom that sort of cheating was a last resort, often in response to their spouse doing something equally wrong. So I do not automatically blame the visible cheater. Betrayals take many shapes and forms.

But DCUM usually knows only one form of betrayal and judges accordingly.

OP, you are not in their shoes. If I were you, I wouldn't take on this burden of judgement. You don't know what you don't know.
[/quote]

This is very wise.  I suspect there are more things going on and why passing a judgement or disowning a close friend is not the way to go IMHO.   What we see about other's private lives is a tip of an iceberg. But I feel a burden weighing me down and I need my friend to know why the "lover" is no longer invited and I and my teens don't want to be around this person.  I felt wronged by the "lover" (it wasn't directed towards me, but it was ugly to witness) and concerned my teens witnessed it too, which caused tension in my own family.. I think the friend needs to know even though it may be hurtful and not pleasant..

I am debating if I have to suck it up and just ghost the "lover" and have the friend "figure it out", or come clean and say why..[/quote]

Your job here is to make sure your children don’t get stuck carrying someone else’s secret. Everything else is noise.
[/quote]

NP. +1

OP, If your own teen kids know this, imagine the message it sends to them if they think you know and still are friends with your old friend who is cheating. I know DCUM will say, people "make mistakes" etc., but frankly, you cannot really separate a friend from the friend's behaviors, and her lover did something you found "traumatic" (your own term earlier) and did it [i]in front of your own children[/i]. This is the person your old friend has chosen to cheat with, which reflects on your friend very, very badly, to me.

You've mentioned more than once that the lover "wronged" you and did something in an ugly way, and you also mentioned in the very first post that you have a lot on your plate right now, beyond this affair.

I think you're twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to be a "good" friend and separate the friendship from her affair, by cutting out the lover. But OP, this is clearly eating at you; you're working way harder than anyone should have to, to keep being her friend; you know your kids know. And they are looking to you. Model for them that it is healthy and smart to look after one's own mental and emotional health and walk away from friendships where the friend has proven to have terrible judgement--not least, by choosing a lover who traumatized you in front of others.  I get it, you say you aren't 100 percent sure, but come on, every post here you're indicating yes, you're sure.

And the "she might need you when it's over" thinking in some posts here sounds kind, but it turns you into the Good Friend she's supposed to keep around to lean on later. That's not a role you are obliged to take on. You certainly aren't obliged to hang around, for who knows how long, so you can "be there for her" at some unspecified time in the future. You have a life of your own to lead; why would you soft-pedal her cheating, which bothers you badly, just so you can be the comforting friend if her bad choices bite her? [b]She wasn't upset with her lover when he traumatized you publicly--was she?[/b]  [/quote]

The friend may not know about this, I haven't disclosed, but this is bothering me.  Older kids in our circle of friends suspect the affair including their own older teens..  These aren't little kids.  All our interaction since then had been rather neutral without mentioning anything, and nobody questioned why I am not extending invites to the "lover".  It's either this is known in the circle and people are uncomfortable to talk about it, or it's my job to tell if I need to clarify things. [/quote]

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