What to say to flakey friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure it’s mostly anxious, depressed or abused people doing this. I don’t think people wake up and think, “How can I ruin friendships and annoy my friends by cancelling on them?”

+1

If someone does what you all call "flake" I just assume they have something going on and will just say to myself I will see them when they can make it out. Their life is ultimately not about me. They, like all of us have to manage what life throws at us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

Stand up for yourself? That doesn't apply here. Other people are not here on Earth to serve us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

NP. But it’s not worth it. Neither is the flakey friend. Set up another meeting to talk it out? Put a date of doom on my calendar to express how I feel? Life’s too short for this bullshit.

My MIL used to *mail* me long discursive letters saying exactly how she felt about me and or attempting to apologize. I opened one - it was very upsetting. Second one I handed unopened to DH. At some point, a letter would arrive and I’d shred it, unread. Cut your losses and save yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

NP. But it’s not worth it. Neither is the flakey friend. Set up another meeting to talk it out? Put a date of doom on my calendar to express how I feel? Life’s too short for this bullshit.

My MIL used to *mail* me long discursive letters saying exactly how she felt about me and or attempting to apologize. I opened one - it was very upsetting. Second one I handed unopened to DH. At some point, a letter would arrive and I’d shred it, unread. Cut your losses and save yourself!

+1

No one with any sense is going to sit and listen to or read a contemptuous lecture from another adult that seeks to summarize and itemize one's character. One, another people is not in my head, is not around me every second of the days for years to know what I have been through and what I am thinking and two, other people need to worry about their own problems and stay out of my brain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

Stand up for yourself? That doesn't apply here. Other people are not here on Earth to serve us.

What are you even talking about? If you call(ed) this person "friend" you should be able to have a conversation about how you feel. That's not about them being servile, it's about them being a decent friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

What I owe *to myself* is relative peace and quiet. That's not what I get whenever I have some come-to-Jesus talk with a friend about how I feel they've slighted me. What I have received in the past when I've tried is escalation, bad behavior, and verbal abuse. I don't need that in my life, and I don't need it to feel like a decent human.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

NP. But it’s not worth it. Neither is the flakey friend. Set up another meeting to talk it out? Put a date of doom on my calendar to express how I feel? Life’s too short for this bullshit.

My MIL used to *mail* me long discursive letters saying exactly how she felt about me and or attempting to apologize. I opened one - it was very upsetting. Second one I handed unopened to DH. At some point, a letter would arrive and I’d shred it, unread. Cut your losses and save yourself!

Y'all make a lot of stupid excuses. You don't need to write a "long discursive letter" about it. But the next time Stacy asks you to hang, you just say "I've been kinda frustrated by the fact that you've asked to hang out and then bailed a few times now. What's up?" OP says this person repeatedly asks for new opportunities to hang. There's your chat window.

And it shouldn't feel "date of doom" to stand up for yourself and articulate your own feelings directly. If it does, you might want to get some help.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that with a lot of people standing up for yourself ends up hurting you. They can't take it, call you some name for calling them out on their issue, etc. They might tell another friend I am high maintenance or some other slight. I've done something like this where I say once that I really like to make sure we are on or say I am not sure because I want to be sure I have plans Saturday night. After the first time if I don't get some sort of response that makes me feel my needs are really heard I willdl do a slow fade if it happens again. Most or the time I am their b or c level friend and they are using me by canceling on me if something better in their eyes comes up so they actually appreciate the slow fade so they can consider me a friend without any effort. They can't handle any discussion and simply don't care enough to care about fixing the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

NP. But it’s not worth it. Neither is the flakey friend. Set up another meeting to talk it out? Put a date of doom on my calendar to express how I feel? Life’s too short for this bullshit.

My MIL used to *mail* me long discursive letters saying exactly how she felt about me and or attempting to apologize. I opened one - it was very upsetting. Second one I handed unopened to DH. At some point, a letter would arrive and I’d shred it, unread. Cut your losses and save yourself!

+1

No one with any sense is going to sit and listen to or read a contemptuous lecture from another adult that seeks to summarize and itemize one's character. One, another people is not in my head, is not around me every second of the days for years to know what I have been through and what I am thinking and two, other people need to worry about their own problems and stay out of my brain

It's not about someone else's character; you're not taking their inventory. You're talking about your feelings. I statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

What I owe *to myself* is relative peace and quiet. That's not what I get whenever I have some come-to-Jesus talk with a friend about how I feel they've slighted me. What I have received in the past when I've tried is escalation, bad behavior, and verbal abuse. I don't need that in my life, and I don't need it to feel like a decent human.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

Ever considered that maybe your "come-to-Jesus talk" approach could use some refinement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

NP. But it’s not worth it. Neither is the flakey friend. Set up another meeting to talk it out? Put a date of doom on my calendar to express how I feel? Life’s too short for this bullshit.

My MIL used to *mail* me long discursive letters saying exactly how she felt about me and or attempting to apologize. I opened one - it was very upsetting. Second one I handed unopened to DH. At some point, a letter would arrive and I’d shred it, unread. Cut your losses and save yourself!

Y'all make a lot of stupid excuses. You don't need to write a "long discursive letter" about it. But the next time Stacy asks you to hang, you just say "I've been kinda frustrated by the fact that you've asked to hang out and then bailed a few times now. What's up?" OP says this person repeatedly asks for new opportunities to hang. There's your chat window.

And it shouldn't feel "date of doom" to stand up for yourself and articulate your own feelings directly. If it does, you might want to get some help.

Stacey doesn't actually typically ask to hang out. She just asks friendly and says something like "we should hang out soon" waiting for you to suggest something that she can consider and bail on if she wants because she in fact didn't come up with it so she's not responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

DP. Canceling last minute is different than standing up. Lots and lots of people seem to think the former is no big deal. There are internet memes celebrating the relief of canceled plans.

And I am addressing the problem by not making plans with them anymore. Actions speak louder than words. I want friends who show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that with a lot of people standing up for yourself ends up hurting you. They can't take it, call you some name for calling them out on their issue, etc. They might tell another friend I am high maintenance or some other slight. I've done something like this where I say once that I really like to make sure we are on or say I am not sure because I want to be sure I have plans Saturday night. After the first time if I don't get some sort of response that makes me feel my needs are really heard I willdl do a slow fade if it happens again. Most or the time I am their b or c level friend and they are using me by canceling on me if something better in their eyes comes up so they actually appreciate the slow fade so they can consider me a friend without any effort. They can't handle any discussion and simply don't care enough to care about fixing the issue.

This projects a lot of your own rejection insecurities onto other people. If you honestly claim your own feelings/position, without blaming them or demanding they change, and they call you names like a child, that's valuable information about the sort of "friend" you have, and you should act accordingly. And if they go gossiping to your other "friends", well, they did you the favor of revealing some snakes.

The bolded reveals the projection succinctly. YOU can't handle the discussion, and simply don't care...

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this - always flakey and sometimes didn't even show up. She did acknowledge it later on and said that she was going through a "rough" time. I gave her another chance and then a few months later, the same things started happening. I am a pretty understanding person but I couldn't keep dealing with it. She would ask for advice and I would be there to help but she wouldn't listen. I learned that sometimes people just don't want to change and improve. They have their own timeline. The friendship ended on its own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

What I owe *to myself* is relative peace and quiet. That's not what I get whenever I have some come-to-Jesus talk with a friend about how I feel they've slighted me. What I have received in the past when I've tried is escalation, bad behavior, and verbal abuse. I don't need that in my life, and I don't need it to feel like a decent human.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

Ever considered that maybe your "come-to-Jesus talk" approach could use some refinement?

Yes, I have. I have tried introspection, but I have also learned that someone calling me names is not helping either of us. At any rate, if I have to be perfect in my delivery, then that's another reason to do the slow fade.