What to say to flakey friend?

[Anonymous]

Friend constantly flakes on our plans. ‘Oh let’s grab coffee this afternoon, I’ll text you’ and then nothing. And then often no response even acknowledging the missed plan. Or sometimes something that sounds lame ‘so sorry, got busy with kids!’ She does this all the time, and to others as well. She also is in the habit of having parties and inviting a bunch of people, and then canceling close to the date.

It’s really annoying and the last two times it happened, I sort of lashed out snarkily by text. Now she’s sort of avoiding me.

How should I have handled?

[Anonymous]

Slow fade. Stop reaching out. If they ask you first, you’re busy. They won’t change and you’ll keep feeling like the schmuck. So many people are like this now, and I’m seeing friends of my teenage DD act the same way. It’s so frustrating for people who actually want to get together.

[Anonymous]

You could do this. When she says, let’s grab coffee this afternoon, think about what works for you -only what works for you- given her history. Maybe you don't make a special trip. You're going to be nearby anyway, so your reply to her is, "If you can at X place at 2pm, let's have coffee then." She show or she doesn't. You do not reschedule this.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop contacting her. Flakey people will always be flakey. They can’t be trusted with plans.

[Anonymous]

10:39 again. Due to her behavior, you are entitled to feel resentment. For any continued relationship with her, managing resentment will need to be your #1 priority. The opposite of being resentful is feeling empowered. If you can find a pattern, of seeing her/of communicating with her, where you feel empowered, you can stay in each other's lives. If the other person is unhappy with the new normal, don't waver. They are free to be the one to walk away from relationship.

We all have people in our lives that disappoint us. Whether you keep this one friend or not, is not nearly as important as gaining confidence in how you want to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Last straw for me was inviting a flaky friend to my house for lunch.

She arrived late and pretty much spent the entire time on her phone. Ate quickly and left. It was all so weird.

[Anonymous]

11:15. So I just stopped reaching out. Sick of making the effort and it was one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Send her a text saying you notice the coldness and that you want to be honest. You like her company and want to be friends, but you can’t handle the last minute cancellations. See what she says. Make sure you use “I feel” statements and don’t accuse her of anything.

[Anonymous]

We have the same friend.. she cancels on me at the last minute to "catch up on laundry" and so on.
Once she was complaining to me that no one invites her anywhere anymore and she thinks it's because she quit drinking. I told her it was much more likely that it's because she is so hard to pin down and she said "no that's not it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send her a text saying you notice the coldness and that you want to be honest. You like her company and want to be friends, but you can’t handle the last minute cancellations. See what she says. Make sure you use “I feel” statements and don’t accuse her of anything.

Thanks this is good advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could do this. When she says, let’s grab coffee this afternoon, think about what works for you -only what works for you- given her history. Maybe you don't make a special trip. You're going to be nearby anyway, so your reply to her is, "If you can at X place at 2pm, let's have coffee then." She show or she doesn't. You do not reschedule this.

That’s nice in theory but if I’m going somewhere at 2 and someone doesn’t show, I’m going to be irritated

[Anonymous]

My best friend is like this (single, no kids). I love her and know that she is probably depressed or socially anxious, so I don't bother getting mad or snarky. But, without saying, I have drawn myself an invisible boundary -- I don't make plans in the evenings with her, because then if she no shows I have wasted an evening I could have been socializing with someone. I also don't preference her over my own family or kids. I'll see her during the day on the weekend, somewhere locally for lunch or coffee.

No explanation needed. That's when I'm available. If she suggests something else, I usually say I've got plans already.

[Anonymous]

I did this a little when I had anxiety due to verbal abuse.

If her behavior bothers you, a slow fade works. You can always circle back in a year and see if she has herself sorted out.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to try to remedy this or are you ready to break up? If the former, I'd just be really direct - friend, you keep flaking on plans with me and it's made me a little gun shy. Give her a chance to respond. Then see how it goes. I've been on the receiving end of that conversation and I've had it with others - and sometimes it's made a difference and sometimes not. Only you know if you want to try that route.

If you're just done, I'd say just stop making plans. When she suggests getting coffee either don't respond or tell her you're not available then - and don't propose something else. You don't have to give her a whole "it's not you it's me" conversation but you can just let plans die out - and see some time in the future if you want to try again.

I'll just say that one time, someone I barely knew at all gave me a talk like that - we'd only hung out twice, then I ran into an incredibly stressful period and wasn't available for another nine months or so. When I came up for air and reached out about getting together, she was basically like, I need people who are more reliable and available, thanks anyway. I was pretty stunned that someone I didn't know well at all was willing to say that without having any knowledge of what I'd been going through.

Anyway, I haven't run into her anywhere - I hope she's well, and also I feel like it was a real what the he** sort of thing to do, given the circumstances. So, just to say - perhaps she has things going on that you don't know about. Not that you need to accommodate that, but perhaps just be kind in your response whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last straw for me was inviting a flaky friend to my house for lunch.

She arrived late and pretty much spent the entire time on her phone. Ate quickly and left. It was all so weird.

Same. I made lunch and they didn’t show up. Later, found out the person had major depression.

I felt kind of bad afterward that I did the slow fade. I still miss that person sometimes.