What to say to flakey friend?

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty sure it’s mostly anxious, depressed or abused people doing this. I don’t think people wake up and think, “How can I ruin friendships and annoy my friends by cancelling on them?”

[Anonymous]

Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure it’s mostly anxious, depressed or abused people doing this. I don’t think people wake up and think, “How can I ruin friendships and annoy my friends by cancelling on them?”

Possible, which is why you should talk to your friend about it. Maybe they need help, and seeing that their behavior is going to cost them friendships might be the nudge they need to get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

It is when they repeatedly back out of plans. Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry. If they can’t bother to show up, I get the message. I’m not worth their time or courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Why are you friends with her? Like, what are the positives of the friendship? Do they outweigh this negative of flaking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

This assumes the other party can have a mature conversation, dealing with what they've just heard. After knowing someone for a length of time, you know if they can't/won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

You are assuming that we need the flakey friend. I have friends. I don't need the flakey friend. Slow fade is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this (single, no kids). I love her and know that she is probably depressed or socially anxious, so I don't bother getting mad or snarky. But, without saying, I have drawn myself an invisible boundary -- I don't make plans in the evenings with her, because then if she no shows I have wasted an evening I could have been socializing with someone. I also don't preference her over my own family or kids. I'll see her during the day on the weekend, somewhere locally for lunch or coffee.

No explanation needed. That's when I'm available. If she suggests something else, I usually say I've got plans already.

This is the way, if you want to maintain a friendship with a flakey friend. You have to figure out a boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last straw for me was inviting a flaky friend to my house for lunch.

She arrived late and pretty much spent the entire time on her phone. Ate quickly and left. It was all so weird.

Same. I made lunch and they didn’t show up. Later, found out the person had major depression.

I felt kind of bad afterward that I did the slow fade. I still miss that person sometimes.

I no longer miss her. Sorry, but I did a lot of self-reflection and gave this relationship a great deal of thought and insight. To counter PP who contends that a slow fade or ghosting is cowardly, I disagree. When a relationship is so one sided and focused only upon the other persons needs and schedule and fragile emotions, I am done. This isn’t sustainable and isn’t real life. The world will not cater to your every whim, emotion, life changing event, moods and neither will I.

With this former friend, I later had an awful family situation to navigate and reached out to her to advise (kind of…hi, it’s been awhile but here’s what happened to me) and was met with a dismissive too bad/so sad answer. It was as if no one else could have setbacks and misfortunes except for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

This assumes the other party can have a mature conversation, dealing with what they've just heard. After knowing someone for a length of time, you know if they can't/won't.

No, it assumes YOU can have that conversation like a mature adult, and if/when it goes pear-shaped, extricate yourself and leave the friendship, like an adult. It has very little to do with the other party at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

You are assuming that we need the flakey friend. I have friends. I don't need the flakey friend. Slow fade is best.

Even if you don't "need" the friend, you need to know how to have a mature conflict with people. If you're already out, use this not-friend to practice.

But also? Need? Really? That sounds vaguely codependent, not friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Op here, I totally agree with you. Slow fade is lame, I know that.

Slow fade isn’t lame, and it’s not the same as ghosting. If someone repeatedly stands me up, I’m under no obligation to have a sit down with them and tell them my feelings. I just won’t make plans with them anymore.

If someone "repeatedly" stands you up, you've already done yourself dirty by not confronting them and addressing the situation. Once is an honest mistake. Twice? Suspicious. More than that? You're contributing to the dynamic by not addressing the problem.

You have an obligation *to yourself* to stand up for yourself and express how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last straw for me was inviting a flaky friend to my house for lunch.

She arrived late and pretty much spent the entire time on her phone. Ate quickly and left. It was all so weird.

Same. I made lunch and they didn’t show up. Later, found out the person had major depression.

I felt kind of bad afterward that I did the slow fade. I still miss that person sometimes.

I no longer miss her. Sorry, but I did a lot of self-reflection and gave this relationship a great deal of thought and insight. To counter PP who contends that a slow fade or ghosting is cowardly, I disagree. When a relationship is so one sided and focused only upon the other persons needs and schedule and fragile emotions, I am done. This isn’t sustainable and isn’t real life. The world will not cater to your every whim, emotion, life changing event, moods and neither will I.

With this former friend, I later had an awful family situation to navigate and reached out to her to advise (kind of…hi, it’s been awhile but here’s what happened to me) and was met with a dismissive too bad/so sad answer. It was as if no one else could have setbacks and misfortunes except for her.

So you allowed the behavior for long enough that it finally overwhelmed you, without ever saying anything, "slow faded" away, also without saying anything, and then called up the friend you "soft ghosted" when you needed things and were surprised to find they weren't down to be supportive?

I think that last line may apply more to you than your "friend". Might want to look at that.