What to say to flakey friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

It is when they repeatedly back out of plans. Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry. If they can’t bother to show up, I get the message. I’m not worth their time or courtesy.

In this case, you're making it about you. Your friend might be in trouble with regards to depression or anxiety. I learned this the hard way.

Making it about me? Ok, if you say so. I’m so baffled by this idea that I’m to blame for other people’s flakiness.

You're not. You're responsible for how you address it, and it's a bit rich to say "if they can't bother to show up" when you're not showing up for yourself and having the chat you need to have. Your "Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry" excuse is weak, and suggests they're "not worth (your) time or courtesy" either.

That's the part you're responsible for.

[Anonymous]

I've been flakey in the past.Sometimes if b/c I truly am over-scheduled. Other times it's b/c I secretly don't want to go. I've realized this about myself and now just don't commit unless my heart is in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Ok so you use your words. Your flakey friend gets upset and is in denial that she is in fact a flake. So instead of the slow fade, your friendship ends with a fight. Is that an improvement?

If you have a direct conversation about your feelings, using "I statements" and keeping it about how you feel (not who/how they are), and your "friend" responds with a fight, yes, that's better than a "slow fade" because you both know exactly who you are, where you stand, and why.

You're out a "friend" who wasn't, and they're out a real one because they aren't.

I am too tired to have fights or even potential fights. I’m so sorry I don’t live up to your standards.

[Anonymous]

Guarantee men do not feel compelled to talk it out/vent/express their feelings:use their voice to discuss what’s bothering them before doing a slow fade.

I’d argue that they are unbothered by most all things we women feel insulted or as slights.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this - I do enjoy her company and enjoy hanging out with her, but I only basically see her in group settings now.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this and I know it’s because she is overwhelmed with her life. This is what I do:

- I never initiate or accept one-on-one plans. I invite her to group hangs, and if she wants to hang then I suggest we include a common (non-flaky) friend.

- Mine never throws parties bc at least she’s that self-aware, but in your situation if she canceled a party I would text common friends and make plans (maybe I would offer to host).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Ok so you use your words. Your flakey friend gets upset and is in denial that she is in fact a flake. So instead of the slow fade, your friendship ends with a fight. Is that an improvement?

If you have a direct conversation about your feelings, using "I statements" and keeping it about how you feel (not who/how they are), and your "friend" responds with a fight, yes, that's better than a "slow fade" because you both know exactly who you are, where you stand, and why.

You're out a "friend" who wasn't, and they're out a real one because they aren't.

I am too tired to have fights or even potential fights. I’m so sorry I don’t live up to your standards.

If you're chronically whinging in victimese like this to your real friends, I can see why the keep bailing on you. If you're "too tired" you can just not. You don't have to leave your drama droppings as evidence.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is always sick. The default last min cancellation is that she is sick or her kid is sick or her husband is sick and can’t drive her kid to sports or she has a migraine or her kid is sick so she has to take them to the doctor. If not her own immediate family, then her MIL was sick so the husband had to fly to help MIL. Or her mom is sick and she has to take her to the hospital. Their family is either always sick or she is super flaky. I have written her off and then she will suggest something and we go. I like her so much when we actually connect but I never know if she is going to cancel for being sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is always sick. The default last min cancellation is that she is sick or her kid is sick or her husband is sick and can’t drive her kid to sports or she has a migraine or her kid is sick so she has to take them to the doctor. If not her own immediate family, then her MIL was sick so the husband had to fly to help MIL. Or her mom is sick and she has to take her to the hospital. Their family is either always sick or she is super flaky. I have written her off and then she will suggest something and we go. I like her so much when we actually connect but I never know if she is going to cancel for being sick.

That sucks. I’m in Peri and always dead tired. I don’t cancel as often as your friend but I do turn down plans more than I’d prefer

[Anonymous]

So sad that women engage in these flakey head games with not just the men that they date, but each other as well.

If you feel disrespected by a flake, just tell them they're a flake and that you've made other plans. Or simply don't respond and leave the ball in their court to reschedule (which in all likelihood, they won't). I'm not going to waste the effort on someone who has so little respect for me, that they won't even show up or dignify me with a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

It is when they repeatedly back out of plans. Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry. If they can’t bother to show up, I get the message. I’m not worth their time or courtesy.

In this case, you're making it about you. Your friend might be in trouble with regards to depression or anxiety. I learned this the hard way.

Making it about me? Ok, if you say so. I’m so baffled by this idea that I’m to blame for other people’s flakiness.

You're not. You're responsible for how you address it, and it's a bit rich to say "if they can't bother to show up" when you're not showing up for yourself and having the chat you need to have. Your "Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry" excuse is weak, and suggests they're "not worth (your) time or courtesy" either.

That's the part you're responsible for.

I think I’m too old or un-therapized for this to compute. I’ll stick with the slow fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

It is when they repeatedly back out of plans. Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry. If they can’t bother to show up, I get the message. I’m not worth their time or courtesy.

In this case, you're making it about you. Your friend might be in trouble with regards to depression or anxiety. I learned this the hard way.

Making it about me? Ok, if you say so. I’m so baffled by this idea that I’m to blame for other people’s flakiness.

You're not. You're responsible for how you address it, and it's a bit rich to say "if they can't bother to show up" when you're not showing up for yourself and having the chat you need to have. Your "Not going to have that conversation over text, sorry" excuse is weak, and suggests they're "not worth (your) time or courtesy" either.

That's the part you're responsible for.

Exactly.

You would not have a convo like this over text, and you are acting like there is no other way to have the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Ok so you use your words. Your flakey friend gets upset and is in denial that she is in fact a flake. So instead of the slow fade, your friendship ends with a fight. Is that an improvement?

If you have a direct conversation about your feelings, using "I statements" and keeping it about how you feel (not who/how they are), and your "friend" responds with a fight, yes, that's better than a "slow fade" because you both know exactly who you are, where you stand, and why.

You're out a "friend" who wasn't, and they're out a real one because they aren't.

I am too tired to have fights or even potential fights. I’m so sorry I don’t live up to your standards.

If you're chronically whinging in victimese like this to your real friends, I can see why the keep bailing on you. If you're "too tired" you can just not. You don't have to leave your drama droppings as evidence.

No not all my friends, just one. But you seem awfully defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to upset the cowards on this thread, but if you "slow fade" your friend for being flaky, you're a crappy friend yourself.

Tell people what upsets you. Seriously. It's not that hard. Sneaking out the back door because you've never bothered to acquired confrontation skills makes you the flaky friend: you are flaking on the conversation that obviously needs to happen here. Not saying it's resolvable, but you need to use your words and say "Hey, this is upsetting to me. When you bail after making plans, I feel _______". It's also part of being a good friend to yourself. Advocate for your needs.

The slow fade needs to die the coward's death it deserves, along with "ghosting" and all this other low-integrity nonsense we're slipping into. Do better.

Ok so you use your words. Your flakey friend gets upset and is in denial that she is in fact a flake. So instead of the slow fade, your friendship ends with a fight. Is that an improvement?

If you have a direct conversation about your feelings, using "I statements" and keeping it about how you feel (not who/how they are), and your "friend" responds with a fight, yes, that's better than a "slow fade" because you both know exactly who you are, where you stand, and why.

You're out a "friend" who wasn't, and they're out a real one because they aren't.

I am too tired to have fights or even potential fights. I’m so sorry I don’t live up to your standards.

If you're chronically whinging in victimese like this to your real friends, I can see why the keep bailing on you. If you're "too tired" you can just not. You don't have to leave your drama droppings as evidence.

What are drama droppings? Is that some new therapy speak? Some new victimese?