Reply to That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues.  Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

[b]We have a very nice, stable, middle class life.  We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends.[/b]  We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him.  Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it.  I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us.  I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement.  But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on.  I’m not actively miserable, either.  It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this?  What did you do in the end?[/quote]

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve.  It’s midlife.  Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote  (bold above).  You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older.  It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together. [/quote]

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement.  DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person.  Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction.  It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no.  This worries me because it is so persistent.  There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.  [/quote]

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either.  I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst.  I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things.  Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too.  He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again.  Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way.  I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good. [/quote]

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now.  There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right?  A very solid foundation.  I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling?  Why don’t I feel positive about the future?  Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go?  Why do I feel so detached from him?  I don’t know these answers.  I just don’t want to be married to him anymore.  It is hard to explain.[/quote]

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking.  Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation. [/quote]

+1 for my husband it was depression —anger can be one of the main symptoms—coupled with poor coping strategies-whether it’s booze or cheating etc [/quote]

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