Reply to My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.[/quote]

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have

So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems. [/quote]

So why not try a parenting class instead?

I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad.

What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what? [/quote]

OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously.

To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad?[/quote]

Try CBT, it will be more focused on the here and now rather than rehashing bad experiences with your parents and trying to analyze them in some meaningless way.

Approach it as I don’t want to talk about my past, this is where I’m at right now. I would like to figure out how to better interact with my children and wife. They will help you notice patterns to your behavior. For example, if you get frustrated and always yell when the child starts screaming about waiting for dinner and then your wife thinks you’re terrible for getting frustrated about a hungry child- Well let’s look at this big picture- how long between meals are they going? Do they only yell at dinner or is it all meals? what else is happening in the house at that time? whose responsibility is it to make meals? What changes could you make to your routine to prevent the screaming for dinner? Serve it earlier? Give a snack? Let them help? If you do get frustrated what could you do instead of yelling? Take the kid for a walk while your wife finishes dinner? Give the kids an early bath? If your wife gets upset how do you usually handle it? What could you change about that interaction? You get the picture. [/quote]

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