15 y/o DS - high level athlete and found out he's been smoking weed every weekend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.

Since when is it developmentally normal to smoke weed at 15?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.

Since when is it developmentally normal to smoke weed at 15?

For those who have a more laissez-faire parenting style, underage drinking, smoking and drug consumption is "normal" and they either look the other way or don't see the big deal once they find out their kids are engaging in this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.

Since when is it developmentally normal to smoke weed at 15?

Since the 70’s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.

Since when is it developmentally normal to smoke weed at 15?

For those who have a more laissez-faire parenting style, underage drinking, smoking and drug consumption is "normal" and they either look the other way or don't see the big deal once they find out their kids are engaging in this behavior.

Nope. I actually consulted a pediatrician on this. I obviously didn’t look the other way I got him a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

I think this is a bad message. I think you needed to be very clear to him that given the addictive personalities on both sides of his family, he absolutely cannot use drugs, as he is more likely than average to develop a drug habit.

For now, he would need to not have a social life. Get him busy doing something else (volunteering maybe) that will keep him away from his teammates. Once he is allowed more freedom, I would absolutely do random drug tests. It is concerning to me that a) he cannot stand up to his friends and b) he seems to be unable to stop.

If you have contact with any of his friends' parents, I would also let them know what you found out, and that you are curtailing their social interactions until you can get a handle on it. How they respond might inform your decisions about whether these friends should be in his life at all.

I know people are giving some well meaning advice...but if your kid attends a Big3 and your kids' friends are popular kids with bigwig / popular parents, well you might want to ask around to some trusted people if these parents are actually fine with this behavior or not. Again, you would be surprised how many parents are fine letting their kids have parties in the basement with alcohol.

If you confront the parents expecting them to be as "outraged" as you...it will be very uncomfortable and you don't want your family to be miserable all through HS. Sorry, but popularity and cliques are everywhere. You have to go in with eyes wide open as to what this contact may bring about.

I am not saying to confront the parents. I am saying that the parents should be informed. As in 'Hey, I found out my kid is smoking pot at X or Y's house, and as a result I'm putting a stop on his social activities'. You are not saying anything to them about what they should do about it, just letting them know that you're trying to get your house in order. If the parent seems interested in finding out more, was their child involved, etc. then I'd think that that friendship can be salvaged, as opposed to 'Yeah, kids these days! They all do this to take some pressure off', which would be a giant sign that their child is not going to do anything differently, any time soon. If the entire group is filled with parents that act this way, OP will have to make some decisions about whether this school is for their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he hangs out with a bad crowd and is not well equipped to resist peer pressure.

Smoking pot doesn’t make his friends a bad crowd. Pot is also not a gateway drug. Your son might have gotten the genetic disposition to overdo drugs and is susceptible to addiction.

It’s not peer pressure if he wants to smoke and drink. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.

Since when is it developmentally normal to smoke weed at 15?

Since the 70’s

There's been a ton of research (since the 70s) that shows that using drugs at an early age can exacerbate mental health disorders especially in males. My brother's schizophrenia has been directly connected to his teen pot and other drug use.

[Anonymous]

Drug test him regularly, and have him tell his friends he is getting drug tested. That helps as an excuse for why he can't smoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

I think this is a bad message. I think you needed to be very clear to him that given the addictive personalities on both sides of his family, he absolutely cannot use drugs, as he is more likely than average to develop a drug habit.

For now, he would need to not have a social life. Get him busy doing something else (volunteering maybe) that will keep him away from his teammates. Once he is allowed more freedom, I would absolutely do random drug tests. It is concerning to me that a) he cannot stand up to his friends and b) he seems to be unable to stop.

If you have contact with any of his friends' parents, I would also let them know what you found out, and that you are curtailing their social interactions until you can get a handle on it. How they respond might inform your decisions about whether these friends should be in his life at all.

I know people are giving some well meaning advice...but if your kid attends a Big3 and your kids' friends are popular kids with bigwig / popular parents, well you might want to ask around to some trusted people if these parents are actually fine with this behavior or not. Again, you would be surprised how many parents are fine letting their kids have parties in the basement with alcohol.

If you confront the parents expecting them to be as "outraged" as you...it will be very uncomfortable and you don't want your family to be miserable all through HS. Sorry, but popularity and cliques are everywhere. You have to go in with eyes wide open as to what this contact may bring about.

I am not saying to confront the parents. I am saying that the parents should be informed. As in 'Hey, I found out my kid is smoking pot at X or Y's house, and as a result I'm putting a stop on his social activities'. You are not saying anything to them about what they should do about it, just letting them know that you're trying to get your house in order. If the parent seems interested in finding out more, was their child involved, etc. then I'd think that that friendship can be salvaged, as opposed to 'Yeah, kids these days! They all do this to take some pressure off', which would be a giant sign that their child is not going to do anything differently, any time soon. If the entire group is filled with parents that act this way, OP will have to make some decisions about whether this school is for their child.

My only point is put out feelers before you do this. Big3 class sizes are small...only 120 kids max per class and some are only 75. It is surprising that OP doesn't know how to navigate these waters because people are in each others' business (heck...word could already be out that OP's kid and their group is the one to avoid!).

One would take a very different tact if you know in advance that your kid's friend lives at one of the "party houses".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private schools are worse imo, rich idle kids who can buy drugs and parents are often not as involved. If he's a freshman I might move schools.

Stereotypes. Rich kids also go to public school. Lower income kids also buy drugs and alcohol. Parental involvement has nothing to do with what income someone has.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that as someone who also has a ton of addiction in the family, I really feel for you. This is such a difficult situation, I'm so sorry you are dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private schools are worse imo, rich idle kids who can buy drugs and parents are often not as involved. If he's a freshman I might move schools.

Stereotypes. Rich kids also go to public school. Lower income kids also buy drugs and alcohol. Parental involvement has nothing to do with what income someone has.

+1 Look at the rich HS in Arlington...how many overdoses already this year?

[Anonymous]

His leaving his Snapchat open for you to see may be an unconscious call for help, feeling that he is in over his head with this peer group (and he feels he can't get another.)

I'd start by pulling him from the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.

Since when is it developmentally normal to smoke weed at 15?

Since the 70’s

There's been a ton of research (since the 70s) that shows that using drugs at an early age can exacerbate mental health disorders especially in males. My brother's schizophrenia has been directly connected to his teen pot and other drug use.

I didn’t say it was good for teens. I just said that it was developmentally normal.

It’s also developmentally normal to have sex, which I don’t really want them doing it 15 either.

But assuming every kid who tries pot at 15 is going to become schizophrenic is quite literally insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you guys sound similar to us. We're trying to keep open lines of communication with our 15 year old around dating, drinking, etc. Drugs are a hard no for us too, but the synthetic pot is everywhere and kids are getting their hands on edibles too. I find it so alarming because it's easier to hide, mask the scent, and it's SO much more potent than any bud we'd have gotten our hands on as a teen.

I know someone who is spot drug testing their kid and if I find out my DC is using I think I would start doing the same. Good luck.

edibles are not strong at least that’s a positive.