15 y/o DS - high level athlete and found out he's been smoking weed every weekend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"intense private" LOL

OP reframe your thoughts.

Every school has drugs.

Privates are not "intense" that is absurd.

Your kid is a druggie you raised a druggie.
He's lying to you.

There are intense privates. Where have you been? My kid isn't at one of them but I know about them. They are academically very intense and also socially very intense with a real scene of wealth.

Private school (and public school) rich kids have a lot more money for drugs. Male athletes are big into the party scene starting in high school. Some sports are worse than others. Parents seem to think sports will keep them from this stuff and I think it's the opposite.

But back to you OP, I'd start re-evaluating a bunch of what is going on in your kid's life. The friends, the school, the sport. Those are your levers. Figure out what you're going to pull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d start but not allowing him to be at his friends’ houses - for quite a long time- unless the parents are home and you have confirmed that. Tell him his friends can hang out at your house anytime as long as you or DH are home. He won’t like that (and maybe won’t see his friends outside school for awhile) but too bad. If he is meeting up with friends in a public place (movie etc) I’d keep extremely close tabs, spot check and phone tracker on.

If you make it difficult to see those friends in the way he wants, perhaps he will focus on making new ones.

You do realize that many parents are OK with their HS kids at least drinking at their house...they have the attitude that "at least I know they aren't driving if it is under my roof". Those same parents are also probably blase about weed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

I think this is a bad message. I think you needed to be very clear to him that given the addictive personalities on both sides of his family, he absolutely cannot use drugs, as he is more likely than average to develop a drug habit.

For now, he would need to not have a social life. Get him busy doing something else (volunteering maybe) that will keep him away from his teammates. Once he is allowed more freedom, I would absolutely do random drug tests. It is concerning to me that a) he cannot stand up to his friends and b) he seems to be unable to stop.

If you have contact with any of his friends' parents, I would also let them know what you found out, and that you are curtailing their social interactions until you can get a handle on it. How they respond might inform your decisions about whether these friends should be in his life at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, you guys sound similar to us. We're trying to keep open lines of communication with our 15 year old around dating, drinking, etc. Drugs are a hard no for us too, but the synthetic pot is everywhere and kids are getting their hands on edibles too. I find it so alarming because it's easier to hide, mask the scent, and it's SO much more potent than any bud we'd have gotten our hands on as a teen.

I know someone who is spot drug testing their kid and if I find out my DC is using I think I would start doing the same. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Your first mistake was telling him early on that you “know” he’ll likely try it, but to wait as long as possible.

I guess he did exactly as you asked.

I would never in a million years say that to a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you have contact with any of his friends' parents, I would also let them know what you found out, and that you are curtailing their social interactions until you can get a handle on it. How they respond might inform your decisions about whether these friends should be in his life at all.

I want to know more about this approach as I think about this a lot but then I wonder how other people would manage things. I have not had a situation like the OP, yet, but I think about what I would do. Also, I want any parent in my kid's social circle to tell me if they hear something, but am I the anomaly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

I think this is a bad message. I think you needed to be very clear to him that given the addictive personalities on both sides of his family, he absolutely cannot use drugs, as he is more likely than average to develop a drug habit.

For now, he would need to not have a social life. Get him busy doing something else (volunteering maybe) that will keep him away from his teammates. Once he is allowed more freedom, I would absolutely do random drug tests. It is concerning to me that a) he cannot stand up to his friends and b) he seems to be unable to stop.

If you have contact with any of his friends' parents, I would also let them know what you found out, and that you are curtailing their social interactions until you can get a handle on it. How they respond might inform your decisions about whether these friends should be in his life at all.

All of this. You’ve been way too permissive, OP.

[Anonymous]

Pee in a cup once a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

I think this is a bad message. I think you needed to be very clear to him that given the addictive personalities on both sides of his family, he absolutely cannot use drugs, as he is more likely than average to develop a drug habit.

For now, he would need to not have a social life. Get him busy doing something else (volunteering maybe) that will keep him away from his teammates. Once he is allowed more freedom, I would absolutely do random drug tests. It is concerning to me that a) he cannot stand up to his friends and b) he seems to be unable to stop.

If you have contact with any of his friends' parents, I would also let them know what you found out, and that you are curtailing their social interactions until you can get a handle on it. How they respond might inform your decisions about whether these friends should be in his life at all.

I know people are giving some well meaning advice...but if your kid attends a Big3 and your kids' friends are popular kids with bigwig / popular parents, well you might want to ask around to some trusted people if these parents are actually fine with this behavior or not. Again, you would be surprised how many parents are fine letting their kids have parties in the basement with alcohol.

If you confront the parents expecting them to be as "outraged" as you...it will be very uncomfortable and you don't want your family to be miserable all through HS. Sorry, but popularity and cliques are everywhere. You have to go in with eyes wide open as to what this contact may bring about.

[Anonymous]

Time to break up the friend group. These friends are not it. I'm glad you caught it now.

[Anonymous]

How big is the school? Is there another peer group he could slide in to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How big is the school? Is there another peer group he could slide in to?

Why would another peer group want him? I wouldn’t want him coming into my child’s group. He is the kid one wants to keep their teens away from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to break up the friend group. These friends are not it. I'm glad you caught it now.

He’s one of those bad friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yuck- I am sorry.

Where are these things happening? Friends houses when parents aren’t home?

Sounds like he is in with a bad crowd, and also that he may have a bit too much freedom for his age.

[Anonymous]

My youngest was doing this at 15 and while it is developmentally normal it was a little more than I was willing to see as normal. Every weekend, in the basement alone, etc.

I had him see a therapist about 10 times over a semester and he worked out some issues he had with anxiety, unrealistic expectation (in his friend group who were all Ivy or bust ... btw they all busted), low self esteem issues (both his brothers were D1 athletes... we knew he was not interested and did not care), a few girl issues we were not aware of and basic what's it all for issues.

It was nice because he learned to be a little more open with us even though he could be open he didn't know how .. he's a 15 yo introvert so it was something he needed coaching on. The therapist was both a therapist and a coach.

He came out of it, but then dipped back in it 2020 at college so a little more therapy.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.