15 y/o DS - high level athlete and found out he's been smoking weed every weekend

[Anonymous]

DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to reevaluate if you really have an open relationship or if he just tells you what you want to hear.

Given his poor judgement, I'd limit him to supervised social situations for a long time. An attentive parent or teacher needs to be there (not hovering, but checking in periodically) so no smoking can occur.

There are plenty of kids who don't smoke pot. He just doesn't know them because he's spending his time with potheads. He needs to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he hangs out with a bad crowd and is not well equipped to resist peer pressure.

[Anonymous]

One of my greatest regrets is not removing one of mine from a toxic peer group when the parents were not on the same page (families were in denial or ok with dangerous and illegal behavior). If the other parents don’t see the weed as a big problem and want to work together I’d do whatever it took to end the relationships.

Family therapy is a good starting place. It sounds like your son has some good intentions. Hopefully you can build on that.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. This is what scares me. Sorry you are dealing with this. No advice but just wanted to send positive thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS attends a fairly intense private school. We have pretty open communication about friends, parties, alcohol but he knows we feel pretty strongly about that we don't approve of drug use (his dad and I both of siblings who have major drug addictions). We have communicated that he'll likely try it but for him to wait as long as possible could. We know he's tried both but about 4-5 weeks ago I started to notice some unusual behavior (grades dipping, breaking out, decline in hygiene and he was particularly moody on Saturday and Sunday mornings after spending a night with friends. I chalked it up to being up late, not sleeping well.

This morning he asked me to do something on his computer and he accidently left snapchat open. Through this, I learned that his friends are doing it every weekend. He even said, he has to stop because it makes him feel dumb and lazy. He was invited to go away for 3 nights for spring break with one of the boys families he was with this weekend but obviously that is not going to happen now. DS is upset with himself and telling us that we don't need to be worried about him but he's struggling because so many of his close friends drink or smoke weed and it's hard for him to find kids that are like him but don't do drugs or drink heavily. He's also been lying to us about none of his friends doing it. This is a whole deeper issue that we need to address.

We've always tried to take the best defense is a strong offense approach and keep him busy through sports, family, and he does have a part-time job where he works when it's not his main sport season. It's tough because we want him to have a social life outside of school and sports without feeling like he has to spend his life in the gym. what advice do you have? I just hate how young he is and can't stop thinking that weed is the gateway drug.

You send him to an intense private school...and now you are surprised there is a large contingent that drinks and smokes weed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to reevaluate if you really have an open relationship or if he just tells you what you want to hear.

Given his poor judgement, I'd limit him to supervised social situations for a long time. An attentive parent or teacher needs to be there (not hovering, but checking in periodically) so no smoking can occur.

There are plenty of kids who don't smoke pot. He just doesn't know them because he's spending his time with potheads. He needs to make new friends.

+1

[Anonymous]

A lot of those private school athletes are doing lines on the weekends because they have the money.

Sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear. Tell him you know the differences of his behavior. If he keeps it up, you contact his coach.

[Anonymous]

"intense private" LOL

OP reframe your thoughts.

Every school has drugs.

Privates are not "intense" that is absurd.

Your kid is a druggie you raised a druggie.
He's lying to you.

[Anonymous]

Yuck- I am sorry.

Where are these things happening? Friends houses when parents aren’t home?

Sounds like he is in with a bad crowd, and also that he may have a bit too much freedom for his age.

[Anonymous]

Private schools are worse imo, rich idle kids who can buy drugs and parents are often not as involved. If he's a freshman I might move schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"intense private" LOL

OP reframe your thoughts.

Every school has drugs.

Privates are not "intense" that is absurd.

Your kid is a druggie you raised a druggie.
He's lying to you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private schools are worse imo, rich idle kids who can buy drugs and parents are often not as involved. If he's a freshman I might move schools.

They have too much dispensable money. I don’t know how much you can monitor that friend group or if you would feel comfortable reaching out to the friends parents?

I think you need to nip this in the bud and have him be at home and not with his friends. I’ve got to be tough. I’m sure it’s not gonna be easy but I’m sure you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Is switching schools an option? Drugs are everywhere, but this will help him get with a new crowd. If not, he’ll have to learn how to drop this crowd and find new friends. Or at least stand up to these friends and tell them he’s on a different path.

[Anonymous]

I’d start but not allowing him to be at his friends’ houses - for quite a long time- unless the parents are home and you have confirmed that. Tell him his friends can hang out at your house anytime as long as you or DH are home. He won’t like that (and maybe won’t see his friends outside school for awhile) but too bad. If he is meeting up with friends in a public place (movie etc) I’d keep extremely close tabs, spot check and phone tracker on.

If you make it difficult to see those friends in the way he wants, perhaps he will focus on making new ones.