Should I say something to my friend’s reaction to husband’s comment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently out at dinner with my DH and several couple friends. We were talking about a trip overseas DH and I had made last year and some ex pats we met out one night. When DH mentioned how stunning and sultry one of the women we met was, a woman at the table got kind of big eyes like she was shocked and disgusted he would say that.

I’m not ok with her reaction, I felt like she was really judging my DH unfairly and like this could come back to bite DH and/or me if he’s going to be potentially painted as some creep or womanizer. I am not sure if I should say something to her or just distance myself just in case?

What on earth would you possibly say to her that doesn’t make you seem like a woman making excuses…

[Anonymous]

Your husband is creepy and inappropriate. Your friend was perfectly right to judge him, but it isn’t like she is going to ruin his career. She made a face, get over it. She probably will cut back on hanging out with him — I would too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misplaced anger. You are mad at your husband for making rhe comments and are taking your anger at your friend. If you were truly okay with the comments,you wouöd roll your eyes at your friend and laugh about it with your husband.

OP here. I don’t disagree with you. This is who he is and I’m used to it after all these years, but she had no right to judge and I’m just worried she’s going to amplify what he said and make it worse for both him and me.

Why doesn’t she have a right to have a reaction? Just because you’re used to the way he is, like a frog in a point of boiling water, does not mean others won’t see his comments as disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm no you can’t control other people’s reactions to the way your husband is a creep who blatantly disrespects you. You might be used to it but no one else is.

“a creep who blatantly disrespects you”?

Please. I’m not OP but the first few replies here are clearly from the miserable DCUM divorcees who are bringing all their own baggage to the party.

It’s not inherently “disrespectful” for one spouse to refer to some other human as attractive. It’s utterly mundane. If you think this kind of comment is beyond the pale, that is a good hint about why you are bitter and alone.

He didn’t say she was attractive.

He said she was sultry.

He sounds creepy and my h and I often comment to each other when we see an attractive person

But we are not creepy about it.

Do you know what sultry means?

Yes.

Do you know the difference between someone getting in an elevator and saying wow, you look nice today as compared to looking you up and down and saying wow… You look sultry today.

Yes, there’s a difference, but that isn’t what OP’s DH did. To use your example, a year after that elevator ride when he was out to dinner with other people he mentioned having seen a sultry woman in an elevator. Odd? Maybe. Creepy and offensive? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm no you can’t control other people’s reactions to the way your husband is a creep who blatantly disrespects you. You might be used to it but no one else is.

“a creep who blatantly disrespects you”?

Please. I’m not OP but the first few replies here are clearly from the miserable DCUM divorcees who are bringing all their own baggage to the party.

It’s not inherently “disrespectful” for one spouse to refer to some other human as attractive. It’s utterly mundane. If you think this kind of comment is beyond the pale, that is a good hint about why you are bitter and alone.

He didn’t say she was attractive.

He said she was sultry.

He sounds creepy and my h and I often comment to each other when we see an attractive person

But we are not creepy about it.

Do you know what sultry means?

Yes.

Do you know the difference between someone getting in an elevator and saying wow, you look nice today as compared to looking you up and down and saying wow… You look sultry today.

Yes, there’s a difference, but that isn’t what OP’s DH did. To use your example, a year after that elevator ride when he was out to dinner with other people he mentioned having seen a sultry woman in an elevator. Odd? Maybe. Creepy and offensive? No.

Yes it’s creepy. Sultry is a creepy description.

[Anonymous]

Sultry: suggesting or expressing a passionate or strongly sexual nature or attraction.

Super creepy and I would have made a face too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently out at dinner with my DH and several couple friends. We were talking about a trip overseas DH and I had made last year and some ex pats we met out one night. When DH mentioned how stunning and sultry one of the women we met was, a woman at the table got kind of big eyes like she was shocked and disgusted he would say that.

I’m not ok with her reaction, I felt like she was really judging my DH unfairly and like this could come back to bite DH and/or me if he’s going to be potentially painted as some creep or womanizer. I am not sure if I should say something to her or just distance myself just in case?

Is this a joke?

Of course you don’t say anything m, unless you had a zinger ready at the dinner about the guys’ big packages during the trip.

So what she made a Big Eyes face when YOUR husband chose to tell a story about the sexy, sultry women he met in your vacation.

BFD. No husband talks that way unless he does want a rise out of people.

Redirect your comments to your husband. He’s the untasteful one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misplaced anger. You are mad at your husband for making rhe comments and are taking your anger at your friend. If you were truly okay with the comments,you wouöd roll your eyes at your friend and laugh about it with your husband.

OP here. I don’t disagree with you. This is who he is and I’m used to it after all these years, but she had no right to judge and I’m just worried she’s going to amplify what he said and make it worse for both him and me.

!???

WTF does “this is who he is” mean?

He routinely makes comments about women’s bosom, hips, shapes, bodies?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misplaced anger. You are mad at your husband for making rhe comments and are taking your anger at your friend. If you were truly okay with the comments,you wouöd roll your eyes at your friend and laugh about it with your husband.

OP here. I don’t disagree with you. This is who he is and I’m used to it after all these years, but she had no right to judge and I’m just worried she’s going to amplify what he said and make it worse for both him and me.

You seem really wacky.

“Make it worse”?

Are you originally American?

+1 wacky like a Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find the addition of "and sultry" to be the creepy bit here. I would be fine with my husband describing someone as stunning or beautiful or whatever, but sultry has a bit of a sexual connotation that I would also find odd.

ESOL odd? Husband or OP?

[Anonymous]

You have to be a troll, OP.

Your husband made a comment that is regarded by most people are inappropriate, considering he's married and his wife is right there. People of all cultures tend to think that such comments are best kept in one's inner thoughts.

The other person was not rude and did not say a word. She was surprised, as anyone would be.

You don't need to do anything. This is not a big deal, *for her*. She probably just feels badly for *you*. She probably won't repeat it or start rumors. Most people, unlike your husband, know how to behave.

Now how do *you* feel about your husband making such remarks about other women? Are you habituated such that you don't even realize it's disrespectful? Does your husband tend to say clueless things that pop into his head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm no you can’t control other people’s reactions to the way your husband is a creep who blatantly disrespects you. You might be used to it but no one else is.

“a creep who blatantly disrespects you”?

Please. I’m not OP but the first few replies here are clearly from the miserable DCUM divorcees who are bringing all their own baggage to the party.

It’s not inherently “disrespectful” for one spouse to refer to some other human as attractive. It’s utterly mundane. If you think this kind of comment is beyond the pale, that is a good hint about why you are bitter and alone.

He didn’t say she was attractive.

He said she was sultry.

He sounds creepy and my h and I often comment to each other when we see an attractive person

But we are not creepy about it.

Do you know what sultry means?

Sultry is beyond attractive, it’s sexual in nature.

Agree. It’s a sexually provocative woman.

And look, it’s working! She’s still provoking OP’s supposed husband to talk about it her.

More details please! Was it her clothing? Her body language? Her musky voice? Bodily smells? What she actually said?

Sultry sultry sultry.

Never heard a man actually say that word out loud. It’s like from a romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm no you can’t control other people’s reactions to the way your husband is a creep who blatantly disrespects you. You might be used to it but no one else is.

“a creep who blatantly disrespects you”?

Please. I’m not OP but the first few replies here are clearly from the miserable DCUM divorcees who are bringing all their own baggage to the party.

It’s not inherently “disrespectful” for one spouse to refer to some other human as attractive. It’s utterly mundane. If you think this kind of comment is beyond the pale, that is a good hint about why you are bitter and alone.

+1000 Noticing beauty is neither a sin nor a sign of deviance. The fact that it was said in the course of conversation shows trust among the spouses.

I would not say anything to pearl clutching crusty. But if brought up, say you feel that open dialogue, commentary and seeing the beauty around us is highly valued in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is narcissistic behavior. Saying something he knows is out of bounds and basically daring people to react. Your problem is way bigger than what your friend thinks. I would have reacted the same way to such an inappropriate comment.

How is that narcissistic behavior? Socially inept, sure, but I don’t really see it as narcissistic.

It’s easily could be seen as attention seeking.

Or an overt put down to one’s wife or women in the conversation.

Clueless spectrum guys don’t really talk like that unless they just read it and are trying to impress someone with a big cool story. Oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misplaced anger. You are mad at your husband for making rhe comments and are taking your anger at your friend. If you were truly okay with the comments,you wouöd roll your eyes at your friend and laugh about it with your husband.

OP here. I don’t disagree with you. This is who he is and I’m used to it after all these years, but she had no right to judge and I’m just worried she’s going to amplify what he said and make it worse for both him and me.

You're judging her right now. Why wouldn't she have a right to judge too?

Do you understand that you cannot control your husband, this woman, or anyone except yourself?

If your husband makes inappropriate comments, people WILL judge him. I'm sure they've done so in the past, if he's the type to habitually cross boundaries, and they will do in the future. If he won't change, why expect others to change their perfectly normal reactions to him?

As others have pointed out, you seem to have a textbook case of displaced anger. YOUR HUSBAND is the perpetrator of the faux-pas, but you need to blame someone else otherwise you feel shame and guilt because you are the wife of this man. You would be forced to confront the fact that:
A. He does not respect you.
B. You are prepared to live with that disrespect and the social unpleasantness he triggers.

Your husband is putting you in the very unfair position of having to defend him and observe other people's discomfort. It's a form of psychological abuse, even if it's unconscious on his part.

You can blame your husband, but not anyone else, for what happens next.