Telling donor conceived kids about half siblings
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Anonymous
People always talk about this, but it’s a nearly statistically impossible scenario. In a population of 333 million what are the chances that you’ll meet and fall in love with one of your lets exaggerate and say 2,000 half siblings? Add to that that you’d already know you had a donor, so would be on the look out for that possibility. The only way it could happen is if your sibling didn’t know and both sets of parents were dead. So many things would have to happen. I feel like I’m more likely to win the lotto and I fully believe that’s rigged. Besides, donors are fully screened for genetic diseases and conditions. So, even if you did meet and fall in love with a half sibling, your kids would probably be fine. Everyone in the whole country of Iceland is basically second cousins and they are all fine. Yeah, I’m not worried about this one. |
Anonymous
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Those saying they have no interest, the point is that your child may feel differently than you and their feelings are the ones that matter. If you are anything but neutral about whether these genetic relatives could matter, then you are pressuring your child. Your job is to process your feelings on your own and then be present to support them on whatever journey they prefer to make.
Sperm/egg donor-conceived people have been around long enough now that we can actually ask those who are adults how they feel about it and a high percentage have conflicted feelings about their identity and how they fit into their family and whether genetic relatives are family members. Many of them have found it very healing to connect to their donors or half-siblings. The idea that donors should be anonymous is borrowed from the world of adoption, where secrecy and anonymity came from two sources: 1) The practice of adopting indigenous children out to white christian families to “civilize” them (aka erase their native language, religion and culture) 2) A deeply evil woman named Georgia Tann. Go look her up. All the research on adoption and donor conception shows that both groups do best when parents are as open and honest as possible. |
Anonymous
Agree |
Anonymous
A lot of the adult donor children were not told by their parents about the donor. That was the consensus at the time of how to handle donor conception. The consensus today is to tell the child as early as possible. (And it’s basically impossible for same sex couples not to talk about a donor). Much of the conflict that today’s donor conceived adults feel is the pain of being lied to by the people they trusted, not the pain of having a genetically related strangers somewhere out there in the world. No one likes being deceived and lied to. It’s a betrayal. A lot of men cannot handle infertility. I suspect there were a lot of other issues in those adult donor families beyond the secret of their conception. It’s not fair to equate those experiences with the ones of today where you can’t hide your genetic background even if you want to. If today’s donor children want to seek out their biological donor relatives, they’ll easily be able to. What they won’t be able to do is force these strangers to feel like family. You are not neutral. No one is. Take your own advice and don’t pressure other people based on outdated data and your personal beliefs. |
Anonymous
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In my situation, my DH was on board raising children who were conceived with donor sperm. I began telling them their story when they were around 4. They are almost 10 now. And they have been told their story in full. And I am here for any questions. Unfortunately DH who is now my exDH said he would have no part in talking to them. The kids have no issue with him not being their genetic dad, but he cannot talk about this with them because of his own issues.
Honesty is really best and the earlier the better. |
Anonymous
I think this is a nice compromise. Your child may or my not want a future relationship, and you are not creating the pressure of a familial relationship by calling them brothers/sisters. My DH and his sister are adopted. His sister has found siblings/relatives/etc. through DNA registries. She has had a great experience and has enjoyed pursuing these relationships. My husband on the other hand has little interest in his biological family (I think because he is introverted and doesn't need a large "herd"). My in-laws have been supportive of both approaches. By waiting until your child is a bit older, you can support them in exploring these feelings so they can determine how to proceed. |
Anonymous
My child is very extroverted and very family oriented, but has zero interest in meeting other people with the same donor. I have asked about it a few times and always getting a resounding “no” as an answer. In my opinion, exchanging any of my child’s info with other families who used the same donor would be a huge violation of my child’s privacy and wishes. There isn’t a one size fits all solution or compromise for how to handle a donor situation. To answer the OP’s question, I think you should let your children know ASAP that there are other people with the same donor, so that it doesn’t shock them later on. |
Anonymous
| You should have started this conversation when they were 3. But better late than never! |
Anonymous
Strongly agree. I think it's selfish for people to have donor-conceived children while denying them the truth. It's selfish to discourage or oppose donor-conceived children learning about their biological siblings or bio parent, should they have an interest. This should be the child's choice. To do otherwise is highly problematic and will cause trust problems and resentment down the road, as the truth usually comes out. |
Anonymous
When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind. --an adoptee (new poster) |
Anonymous
To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us. I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history. |
Anonymous
You are assuming that your disinterest is shared by others. People are different, and many adoptees or donor-conceived people want to know their origins, especially when they are older. I don't think they need to explain or justify it, whether it's for medical reasons or otherwise. I think that some parents of DC children feel threatened by this so they are dismissive of it. DC people shouldn't be made to feel guilty or ungrateful for wanting to know where they came from, which I could see happening in this scenario. |
Anonymous
I understand being curious about your ethnic origins. I would be. But there’s no need to pretend that it’s anything beyond curiosity. There’s no need to act like it’s an important medical need. I certainly don’t need to know my family medical history to know I should probably avoid smoking, eat healthy and exercise. More importantly, I think donor kids are really setting themselves up for major disappointment by trying to reach out to unknown biological relatives. Most anonymous egg and sperm donors don’t want to be found. It was just some college kid making money. You can go ahead and do a DNA test. You can probably find out who the donor was, but you cannot make this person have a relationship with you. Worse, it’s incredibly disruptive to his or her lives and their families. Likewise the relationships with donor siblings will most likely be superficial and meaningless. You can make a go of it, but it’s probably not going to fulfill you in any way unless you’re really lucky. I always laugh at those Ancestry.com commercials, about how people finally figure out who there are from doing a DNA test. Seriously? You didn’t know who you were already? You needed a DNA test to be yourself? In the case of donor kids and adoptees, it sounds more like you need a therapist, a different attitude and some gratitude. You should be thankful that your parents really, really wanted you and went to great lengths to have you. It’s not being dismissive, it’s being practical about reality. |
Anonymous
I hope you are not the parent of an adopted or DC child with that attitude. It's not for you to dictate how the child should think or feel, and your reactions show a lack of awareness of this issue. And to say that a DC should be grateful to you for going to great lengths to have them?! You were fulfilling your own desire to be a parent. That is a parent-centric view. The child needs should come first. (And no, I am not adopted or DC myself; I am close to someone who is.) |
Anonymous
No, I’m just someone who strongly considered being an egg donor during grad school. (I thought I was an ideal candidate, as did the clinic at first. But it turns out I’m carrier of a rare genetic disease, so I got rejected.) Anyway, it’s something I put a lot of thought into. I think it’s a gift and a miracle to be alive. I can’t imagine being angry about my birth or mad at my parents for deciding to use a donor to have me. I truly believe that being a (paid, anonymous) donor is a good deed. It doesn’t mean that I would want any contact with the children that would have been born from my donations. I would not. They would already have parents and I wouldn’t even know who if anyone had been born. The reality is that life isn’t fair. You have to make the most of what you’ve got. Sitting around and lamenting your birth is unhealthy to say the least. It’s a bad attitude that will not change anything. I cannot dictate how other people feel. I’m not trying to. My point is that seeking out donors will most likely be a painful dead end. You have to find fulfillment and wholeness from within. It’s never going to be found from a dna test. I cannot imagine living my life dwelling on such things. I feel sorry for those who do. |