Telling donor conceived kids about half siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend who has 3 children via donor egg has not told them at all—oldest is in college. It’s a tough call. Not sure what I would do in her place.

If you know, other family members know too. These kids are one Thanksgiving away from being told accidentally by a cousin.

If she knows, not only do other family members know, but the kids know, too. They just aren’t going around announcing it to some old lady frenemy of their mom’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

This is sad. Your kid is saying what you want to hear because your approval is important to them and they want you to be happy. But in a decade if they start to question, or decide their roots matter, your disdain toward their donor connection may end up causing both of you a lot of pain.

It’s sad that you think you know how other people, complete strangers, currently feel and will one day feel about everything.

My 45 year old husband is adopted. He won’t even consider taking a DNA test to “discover” his roots. The people who raised him are his parents and he isn’t interested in learning anymore. And that’s without knowing either of his biological parents. He most definitely doesn’t care about potential biological siblings. Can’t you imagine that some people are not interested in knowing anything about their donors? Especially when they were raised in loving homes?

Why are your opinions the only one that matter? Why do you think you speak for everyone?

Your husband’s experience is valid but not the norm.

How do you know what the norm is? There’s no way to measure it. These things are like a private diary, you mostly only hear complaints from the people who are unhappy.

I mean, there has been research into how adult adoptees and donor conceived people feel about their biological relatives. Some (but not all) studies have statistically reasonable population sizes and well written questions.

PP is right that the majority of adults not raised by their biological parents/donors feel some curiousity at some point about that. How much and when varies and the DH’s total lack of interest isn’t unusual either. The problem is that you don’t know how your kids will feel about it when you choose to have them so there’s a general societal movement toward giving the eventual adults choice in the matter, hence to move toward open adoption and openid donors (and banning of any anonymous gamete donation outside of the U.S.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

This is sad. Your kid is saying what you want to hear because your approval is important to them and they want you to be happy. But in a decade if they start to question, or decide their roots matter, your disdain toward their donor connection may end up causing both of you a lot of pain.

It’s sad that you think you know how other people, complete strangers, currently feel and will one day feel about everything.

My 45 year old husband is adopted. He won’t even consider taking a DNA test to “discover” his roots. The people who raised him are his parents and he isn’t interested in learning anymore. And that’s without knowing either of his biological parents. He most definitely doesn’t care about potential biological siblings. Can’t you imagine that some people are not interested in knowing anything about their donors? Especially when they were raised in loving homes?

Why are your opinions the only one that matter? Why do you think you speak for everyone?

Your husband’s experience is valid but not the norm.

How do you know what the norm is? There’s no way to measure it. These things are like a private diary, you mostly only hear complaints from the people who are unhappy.

I mean, there has been research into how adult adoptees and donor conceived people feel about their biological relatives. Some (but not all) studies have statistically reasonable population sizes and well written questions.

PP is right that the majority of adults not raised by their biological parents/donors feel some curiousity at some point about that. How much and when varies and the DH’s total lack of interest isn’t unusual either. The problem is that you don’t know how your kids will feel about it when you choose to have them so there’s a general societal movement toward giving the eventual adults choice in the matter, hence to move toward open adoption and openid donors (and banning of any anonymous gamete donation outside of the U.S.).

But that research has to be flawed from the get go. The samples cannot be unbiased. You cannot force people to agree to be studied and answer your questions. You’re going to get the more vocal, activist types to respond. The sort of people who just live their lives are not gonna participate.

As a parent, you never know how your kids will feel about anything when they grow up. But it’s impossible to say what is or isn’t the norm for adopted/donor kids because you’re not going to hear as much from the happier, better adjusted ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

This is sad. Your kid is saying what you want to hear because your approval is important to them and they want you to be happy. But in a decade if they start to question, or decide their roots matter, your disdain toward their donor connection may end up causing both of you a lot of pain.

It’s sad that you think you know how other people, complete strangers, currently feel and will one day feel about everything.

My 45 year old husband is adopted. He won’t even consider taking a DNA test to “discover” his roots. The people who raised him are his parents and he isn’t interested in learning anymore. And that’s without knowing either of his biological parents. He most definitely doesn’t care about potential biological siblings. Can’t you imagine that some people are not interested in knowing anything about their donors? Especially when they were raised in loving homes?

Why are your opinions the only one that matter? Why do you think you speak for everyone?

Your husband’s experience is valid but not the norm.

How do you know what the norm is? There’s no way to measure it. These things are like a private diary, you mostly only hear complaints from the people who are unhappy.

I mean, there has been research into how adult adoptees and donor conceived people feel about their biological relatives. Some (but not all) studies have statistically reasonable population sizes and well written questions.

PP is right that the majority of adults not raised by their biological parents/donors feel some curiousity at some point about that. How much and when varies and the DH’s total lack of interest isn’t unusual either. The problem is that you don’t know how your kids will feel about it when you choose to have them so there’s a general societal movement toward giving the eventual adults choice in the matter, hence to move toward open adoption and openid donors (and banning of any anonymous gamete donation outside of the U.S.).

But that research has to be flawed from the get go. The samples cannot be unbiased. You cannot force people to agree to be studied and answer your questions. You’re going to get the more vocal, activist types to respond. The sort of people who just live their lives are not gonna participate.

As a parent, you never know how your kids will feel about anything when they grow up. But it’s impossible to say what is or isn’t the norm for adopted/donor kids because you’re not going to hear as much from the happier, better adjusted ones.

One of the studies I’m referring to was done by a sperm bank with openid donors. They tracked whether adult donor conceived people ever contacted the sperm bank to attempt to contact their donor. They had further breakdowns on why/what their feelings were that related to surveys sent out and answered but the first comparison (people who decide to contact their donors and what age they choose to do so and what their family structure was at the time of conception) does not require them to respond to a survey. Apparently children of single parents are most likely to contact their donors and children of straight couples are least likely. I haven’t read any of the adoption studies recently enough to remember the details but announcing that all social sciences must be meaningless since only activists will respond to surveys is quite a declaration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

This is sad. Your kid is saying what you want to hear because your approval is important to them and they want you to be happy. But in a decade if they start to question, or decide their roots matter, your disdain toward their donor connection may end up causing both of you a lot of pain.

It’s sad that you think you know how other people, complete strangers, currently feel and will one day feel about everything.

My 45 year old husband is adopted. He won’t even consider taking a DNA test to “discover” his roots. The people who raised him are his parents and he isn’t interested in learning anymore. And that’s without knowing either of his biological parents. He most definitely doesn’t care about potential biological siblings. Can’t you imagine that some people are not interested in knowing anything about their donors? Especially when they were raised in loving homes?

Why are your opinions the only one that matter? Why do you think you speak for everyone?

Your husband’s experience is valid but not the norm.

How do you know what the norm is? There’s no way to measure it. These things are like a private diary, you mostly only hear complaints from the people who are unhappy.

I mean, there has been research into how adult adoptees and donor conceived people feel about their biological relatives. Some (but not all) studies have statistically reasonable population sizes and well written questions.

PP is right that the majority of adults not raised by their biological parents/donors feel some curiousity at some point about that. How much and when varies and the DH’s total lack of interest isn’t unusual either. The problem is that you don’t know how your kids will feel about it when you choose to have them so there’s a general societal movement toward giving the eventual adults choice in the matter, hence to move toward open adoption and openid donors (and banning of any anonymous gamete donation outside of the U.S.).

But that research has to be flawed from the get go. The samples cannot be unbiased. You cannot force people to agree to be studied and answer your questions. You’re going to get the more vocal, activist types to respond. The sort of people who just live their lives are not gonna participate.

As a parent, you never know how your kids will feel about anything when they grow up. But it’s impossible to say what is or isn’t the norm for adopted/donor kids because you’re not going to hear as much from the happier, better adjusted ones.

One of the studies I’m referring to was done by a sperm bank with openid donors. They tracked whether adult donor conceived people ever contacted the sperm bank to attempt to contact their donor. They had further breakdowns on why/what their feelings were that related to surveys sent out and answered but the first comparison (people who decide to contact their donors and what age they choose to do so and what their family structure was at the time of conception) does not require them to respond to a survey. Apparently children of single parents are most likely to contact their donors and children of straight couples are least likely. I haven’t read any of the adoption studies recently enough to remember the details but announcing that all social sciences must be meaningless since only activists will respond to surveys is quite a declaration.

Social sciences are called soft sciences for a reason. I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last to say that most social science research is biased and dictated by the desired outcomes of the researchers.

The study you mentioned is a perfect example. They were looking at how many donor children contacted a sperm bank about their open id donors. Well, if the parents chose an open id donor, they must have felt it was important for their child to one day contact that donor, otherwise they would have chosen an anonymous donor. So, you’re already starting with a group that wants to establish communication with the donor from the get go. You also have donors who want to establish contact from the start. You are beginning with a group of people who is more likely to want to contact their biological relatives based on both their environment and their biology. It’s pretty remarkable if any of the donor kids don’t decide to contact their open id donor under these circumstances.

Can you really not see how biased this is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend who has 3 children via donor egg has not told them at all—oldest is in college. It’s a tough call. Not sure what I would do in her place.

It's not a tough call. She is literally denying these kids knowing their true medical history, which is awful.
Also in this day and age where 23and me tests are a dime a dozen, the kids are bound to find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend who has 3 children via donor egg has not told them at all—oldest is in college. It’s a tough call. Not sure what I would do in her place.

It's not a tough call. She is literally denying these kids knowing their true medical history, which is awful.
Also in this day and age where 23and me tests are a dime a dozen, the kids are bound to find out.

I disagree about the popularity of DNA tests. There were a novelty when their first came out, but now most of the people I know are very wary of taking them. I have a cousin who took 23andMe and found nothing interesting or unexpected. (The only tidbit he learned was he had no Native American ancestry. Like many families we had rumors, but it turns out those were unfounded.)

For my part, I was so annoyed because now my DNA is also out there, without my consent. I suspect that fewer and fewer people will expose themselves like that down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Let me see if I understand: donor conceived people will go through life having to have a DNA test with everyone they go out with to make sure they are not related? What kind of Hell you have created for your donor conceived child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Let me see if I understand: donor conceived people will go through life having to have a DNA test with everyone they go out with to make sure they are not related? What kind of Hell you have created for your donor conceived child!

Answer: you don’t understand.

All they have to do is ask if the other person was donor conceived. The vast majority of people are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Let me see if I understand: donor conceived people will go through life having to have a DNA test with everyone they go out with to make sure they are not related? What kind of Hell you have created for your donor conceived child!

Answer: you don’t understand.

All they have to do is ask if the other person was donor conceived. The vast majority of people are not.

What if they were no ever told that they were donor conceived? This is a question one would need to ask very early in relationships and. Personally, I would run away fast from anyone who was donor conceived!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Let me see if I understand: donor conceived people will go through life having to have a DNA test with everyone they go out with to make sure they are not related? What kind of Hell you have created for your donor conceived child!

Answer: you don’t understand.

All they have to do is ask if the other person was donor conceived. The vast majority of people are not.

What if they were no ever told that they were donor conceived? This is a question one would need to ask very early in relationships and. Personally, I would run away fast from anyone who was donor conceived!

Okay, thanks for sharing.

You make zero sense, first you say that the potential donor conceived child wouldn’t that know he or she was donor conceived. Then you say you need to ask potential dates early on about whether they were donor conceived? Why? If, as you insist, the person wouldn’t know, why bother asking?

It’s probably best for you to stay out of the dating and mating pool altogether. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Let me see if I understand: donor conceived people will go through life having to have a DNA test with everyone they go out with to make sure they are not related? What kind of Hell you have created for your donor conceived child!

Answer: you don’t understand.

All they have to do is ask if the other person was donor conceived. The vast majority of people are not.

They could be the donor’s biological child. I have DE kids and while I have not looked for any half siblings of theirs I assume that they probably exist but the donor herself could have had her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Why do you keep up with that stuff? They don’t have half siblings. They’re not legal siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best practice is as early as possible. Don't wait any longer. Tell them now and be prepared for whatever reaction you get.

Are you insane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age did you tell your donor conceived kids about half siblings? My boys are 10. They know they were conceived via donor sperm but haven’t spoken yet about their half siblings. I know they have 3 of them for sure.

Let me see if I understand: donor conceived people will go through life having to have a DNA test with everyone they go out with to make sure they are not related? What kind of Hell you have created for your donor conceived child!

Answer: you don’t understand.

All they have to do is ask if the other person was donor conceived. The vast majority of people are not.

They could be the donor’s biological child. I have DE kids and while I have not looked for any half siblings of theirs I assume that they probably exist but the donor herself could have had her own children.

I really hope you aren’t actually worried about the ridiculously minuscule possibility of your child marrying or mating with a biological half sibling. It’s unlikely your donor was able to have multiple rounds of IVF. She probably made a few donations total. Likewise, she’ll probably only have a few kids who will likely be much younger than yours because your donor was probably a young, unmarried woman when she donated.

And even if your kids did meet and married, their kids would probably be fine. In the olden days, first cousins used to marry each other for generations and generations. Unless there’s some sort of recessive gene condition, it should be a nonissue with just one half-sibling marriage. Even when two people share the same recessive gene for a terrible genetic disease, there is still an 75% chance that their child will not be affected. And I’ll bet the donor was thoroughly screened for such issues.

I really cannot understand why people worry about this sort of thing. You might as well worry about a plane crashing into your house. It’s just as likely. Plus, a lot of the kids I know who have health issues/genetic disorders have parents from very diverse backgrounds. Sh— happens.