Telling donor conceived kids about half siblings

[Anonymous]

Kerry Washington has written a biography and a lot of it has to do with this.

Skip Gates asked her to be on "Finding Your Roots. " As part of the preparation for this, she asked her parents to take DNA tests. They refused. Eventually, because she kept asking them "Why not"--they admitted she was conceived with donor sperm. They had never told her.

I haven't read the book--just seen her on the talk show circuit about her book. She has repeatedly said "I'll always be grateful to Skip Gates." So, that's one person conceived with donor sperm who is glad she found out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind.
--an adoptee (new poster)

To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us.

I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history.

You are assuming that your disinterest is shared by others. People are different, and many adoptees or donor-conceived people want to know their origins, especially when they are older. I don't think they need to explain or justify it, whether it's for medical reasons or otherwise. I think that some parents of DC children feel threatened by this so they are dismissive of it. DC people shouldn't be made to feel guilty or ungrateful for wanting to know where they came from, which I could see happening in this scenario.

I understand being curious about your ethnic origins. I would be. But there’s no need to pretend that it’s anything beyond curiosity. There’s no need to act like it’s an important medical need. I certainly don’t need to know my family medical history to know I should probably avoid smoking, eat healthy and exercise.

More importantly, I think donor kids are really setting themselves up for major disappointment by trying to reach out to unknown biological relatives. Most anonymous egg and sperm donors don’t want to be found. It was just some college kid making money. You can go ahead and do a DNA test. You can probably find out who the donor was, but you cannot make this person have a relationship with you. Worse, it’s incredibly disruptive to his or her lives and their families. Likewise the relationships with donor siblings will most likely be superficial and meaningless. You can make a go of it, but it’s probably not going to fulfill you in any way unless you’re really lucky.

I always laugh at those Ancestry.com commercials, about how people finally figure out who there are from doing a DNA test.

Seriously? You didn’t know who you were already? You needed a DNA test to be yourself?

In the case of donor kids and adoptees, it sounds more like you need a therapist, a different attitude and some gratitude. You should be thankful that your parents really, really wanted you and went to great lengths to have you. It’s not being dismissive, it’s being practical about reality.

I hope you are not the parent of an adopted or DC child with that attitude. It's not for you to dictate how the child should think or feel, and your reactions show a lack of awareness of this issue. And to say that a DC should be grateful to you for going to great lengths to have them?! You were fulfilling your own desire to be a parent. That is a parent-centric view. The child needs should come first. (And no, I am not adopted or DC myself; I am close to someone who is.)

No, I’m just someone who strongly considered being an egg donor during grad school. (I thought I was an ideal candidate, as did the clinic at first. But it turns out I’m carrier of a rare genetic disease, so I got rejected.)

Anyway, it’s something I put a lot of thought into. I think it’s a gift and a miracle to be alive. I can’t imagine being angry about my birth or mad at my parents for deciding to use a donor to have me. I truly believe that being a (paid, anonymous) donor is a good deed. It doesn’t mean that I would want any contact with the children that would have been born from my donations. I would not. They would already have parents and I wouldn’t even know who if anyone had been born.

The reality is that life isn’t fair. You have to make the most of what you’ve got. Sitting around and lamenting your birth is unhealthy to say the least. It’s a bad attitude that will not change anything.

I cannot dictate how other people feel. I’m not trying to. My point is that seeking out donors will most likely be a painful dead end. You have to find fulfillment and wholeness from within. It’s never going to be found from a dna test. I cannot imagine living my life dwelling on such things. I feel sorry for those who do.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you have difficulty understanding beyond your own perspective and are making condescending and judgmental assumptions about people in whose shoes you've never walked. For many people, it is natural to be interested in their origins and, if they have biological half-siblings, to want to know about them. I think you just can't empathize with it, but it's okay because you are not a parent of such a child so it's more of an intellectual exercise for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind.
--an adoptee (new poster)

To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us.

I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history.

If you don’t get the obsession with medical history, then you should take it up with the medical profession who wants to know if your family has a history of X, Y, and Z.

You sit in a position of always having had access to your medical history, even if you never cared about it or had a need to know. You are fortunate to have that at your disposal. If you have kids, will you withhold all information about yourself or your family members because medical history is just not that important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind.
--an adoptee (new poster)

To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us.

I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history.

You are assuming that your disinterest is shared by others. People are different, and many adoptees or donor-conceived people want to know their origins, especially when they are older. I don't think they need to explain or justify it, whether it's for medical reasons or otherwise. I think that some parents of DC children feel threatened by this so they are dismissive of it. DC people shouldn't be made to feel guilty or ungrateful for wanting to know where they came from, which I could see happening in this scenario.

I understand being curious about your ethnic origins. I would be. But there’s no need to pretend that it’s anything beyond curiosity. There’s no need to act like it’s an important medical need. I certainly don’t need to know my family medical history to know I should probably avoid smoking, eat healthy and exercise.

More importantly, I think donor kids are really setting themselves up for major disappointment by trying to reach out to unknown biological relatives. Most anonymous egg and sperm donors don’t want to be found. It was just some college kid making money. You can go ahead and do a DNA test. You can probably find out who the donor was, but you cannot make this person have a relationship with you. Worse, it’s incredibly disruptive to his or her lives and their families. Likewise the relationships with donor siblings will most likely be superficial and meaningless. You can make a go of it, but it’s probably not going to fulfill you in any way unless you’re really lucky.

I always laugh at those Ancestry.com commercials, about how people finally figure out who there are from doing a DNA test.

Seriously? You didn’t know who you were already? You needed a DNA test to be yourself?

In the case of donor kids and adoptees, it sounds more like you need a therapist, a different attitude and some gratitude. You should be thankful that your parents really, really wanted you and went to great lengths to have you. It’s not being dismissive, it’s being practical about reality.

I hope you are not the parent of an adopted or DC child with that attitude. It's not for you to dictate how the child should think or feel, and your reactions show a lack of awareness of this issue. And to say that a DC should be grateful to you for going to great lengths to have them?! You were fulfilling your own desire to be a parent. That is a parent-centric view. The child needs should come first. (And no, I am not adopted or DC myself; I am close to someone who is.)

No, I’m just someone who strongly considered being an egg donor during grad school. (I thought I was an ideal candidate, as did the clinic at first. But it turns out I’m carrier of a rare genetic disease, so I got rejected.)

Anyway, it’s something I put a lot of thought into. I think it’s a gift and a miracle to be alive. I can’t imagine being angry about my birth or mad at my parents for deciding to use a donor to have me. I truly believe that being a (paid, anonymous) donor is a good deed. It doesn’t mean that I would want any contact with the children that would have been born from my donations. I would not. They would already have parents and I wouldn’t even know who if anyone had been born.

The reality is that life isn’t fair. You have to make the most of what you’ve got. Sitting around and lamenting your birth is unhealthy to say the least. It’s a bad attitude that will not change anything.

I cannot dictate how other people feel. I’m not trying to. My point is that seeking out donors will most likely be a painful dead end. You have to find fulfillment and wholeness from within. It’s never going to be found from a dna test. I cannot imagine living my life dwelling on such things. I feel sorry for those who do.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you have difficulty understanding beyond your own perspective and are making condescending and judgmental assumptions about people in whose shoes you've never walked. For many people, it is natural to be interested in their origins and, if they have biological half-siblings, to want to know about them. I think you just can't empathize with it, but it's okay because you are not a parent of such a child so it's more of an intellectual exercise for you.

Hey, it’s me, the egg donor reject. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. I think you’re being naive and Pollyannaesque about the many probable negative consequences of seeking out strangers who share your DNA. Donor conceived children have every right to be interested in their backgrounds, that doesn’t mean locating half-siblings or donors is going to go well.

Tell the truth: imagine that out of the blue you were contacted by some complete stranger who, based on his or her research, believed that you had the same biological father. Meanwhile, your parents have been happily married for many years and you had no idea about dad’s indiscretions/donations. Would you jump to get to know this person? Or would it open up a can of worms? Or put up your spidey senses? I suspect that most people would be shocked and wary and very unlikely to start a warm familial relationship under such circumstances.

But let’s assume you both know you’re donor offspring. How do you know that your biological half sibling isn’t a sociopath/addict/thief trying to take advantage of you? It could start off with “brother, boy do we have so much in common” and turn into “hey, I’m in trouble could you lend me $500?”

Or it could be less dramatic and you meet, hit it off and then suddenly new found sibling ghosts you for whatever reason.

My position isn’t that donor kids are wrong to be curious and or interested about biologically related strangers out there in the world, but rather that they should be prepared for some serious letdowns. It’s highly unlikely to be rainbows and unicorns.

Do some research and look into the eventual outcomes of situations where people have found their biological relatives. After the initial high of “isn’t this exciting!” and “we both like Broadway and camping! omg, you also ran track in college! i finally feel complete!” it almost always ends very badly with deeply hurt feelings.

Of course, people are free to go down that rabbit hole. My only point is to proceed with caution. I, personally, would let sleeping dogs lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind.
--an adoptee (new poster)

To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us.

I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history.

You are assuming that your disinterest is shared by others. People are different, and many adoptees or donor-conceived people want to know their origins, especially when they are older. I don't think they need to explain or justify it, whether it's for medical reasons or otherwise. I think that some parents of DC children feel threatened by this so they are dismissive of it. DC people shouldn't be made to feel guilty or ungrateful for wanting to know where they came from, which I could see happening in this scenario.

I understand being curious about your ethnic origins. I would be. But there’s no need to pretend that it’s anything beyond curiosity. There’s no need to act like it’s an important medical need. I certainly don’t need to know my family medical history to know I should probably avoid smoking, eat healthy and exercise.

More importantly, I think donor kids are really setting themselves up for major disappointment by trying to reach out to unknown biological relatives. Most anonymous egg and sperm donors don’t want to be found. It was just some college kid making money. You can go ahead and do a DNA test. You can probably find out who the donor was, but you cannot make this person have a relationship with you. Worse, it’s incredibly disruptive to his or her lives and their families. Likewise the relationships with donor siblings will most likely be superficial and meaningless. You can make a go of it, but it’s probably not going to fulfill you in any way unless you’re really lucky.

I always laugh at those Ancestry.com commercials, about how people finally figure out who there are from doing a DNA test.

Seriously? You didn’t know who you were already? You needed a DNA test to be yourself?

In the case of donor kids and adoptees, it sounds more like you need a therapist, a different attitude and some gratitude. You should be thankful that your parents really, really wanted you and went to great lengths to have you. It’s not being dismissive, it’s being practical about reality.

I hope you are not the parent of an adopted or DC child with that attitude. It's not for you to dictate how the child should think or feel, and your reactions show a lack of awareness of this issue. And to say that a DC should be grateful to you for going to great lengths to have them?! You were fulfilling your own desire to be a parent. That is a parent-centric view. The child needs should come first. (And no, I am not adopted or DC myself; I am close to someone who is.)

No, I’m just someone who strongly considered being an egg donor during grad school. (I thought I was an ideal candidate, as did the clinic at first. But it turns out I’m carrier of a rare genetic disease, so I got rejected.)

Anyway, it’s something I put a lot of thought into. I think it’s a gift and a miracle to be alive. I can’t imagine being angry about my birth or mad at my parents for deciding to use a donor to have me. I truly believe that being a (paid, anonymous) donor is a good deed. It doesn’t mean that I would want any contact with the children that would have been born from my donations. I would not. They would already have parents and I wouldn’t even know who if anyone had been born.

The reality is that life isn’t fair. You have to make the most of what you’ve got. Sitting around and lamenting your birth is unhealthy to say the least. It’s a bad attitude that will not change anything.

I cannot dictate how other people feel. I’m not trying to. My point is that seeking out donors will most likely be a painful dead end. You have to find fulfillment and wholeness from within. It’s never going to be found from a dna test. I cannot imagine living my life dwelling on such things. I feel sorry for those who do.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you have difficulty understanding beyond your own perspective and are making condescending and judgmental assumptions about people in whose shoes you've never walked. For many people, it is natural to be interested in their origins and, if they have biological half-siblings, to want to know about them. I think you just can't empathize with it, but it's okay because you are not a parent of such a child so it's more of an intellectual exercise for you.

Hey, it’s me, the egg donor reject. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. I think you’re being naive and Pollyannaesque about the many probable negative consequences of seeking out strangers who share your DNA. Donor conceived children have every right to be interested in their backgrounds, that doesn’t mean locating half-siblings or donors is going to go well.

Tell the truth: imagine that out of the blue you were contacted by some complete stranger who, based on his or her research, believed that you had the same biological father. Meanwhile, your parents have been happily married for many years and you had no idea about dad’s indiscretions/donations. Would you jump to get to know this person? Or would it open up a can of worms? Or put up your spidey senses? I suspect that most people would be shocked and wary and very unlikely to start a warm familial relationship under such circumstances.

But let’s assume you both know you’re donor offspring. How do you know that your biological half sibling isn’t a sociopath/addict/thief trying to take advantage of you? It could start off with “brother, boy do we have so much in common” and turn into “hey, I’m in trouble could you lend me $500?”

Or it could be less dramatic and you meet, hit it off and then suddenly new found sibling ghosts you for whatever reason.

My position isn’t that donor kids are wrong to be curious and or interested about biologically related strangers out there in the world, but rather that they should be prepared for some serious letdowns. It’s highly unlikely to be rainbows and unicorns.

Do some research and look into the eventual outcomes of situations where people have found their biological relatives. After the initial high of “isn’t this exciting!” and “we both like Broadway and camping! omg, you also ran track in college! i finally feel complete!” it almost always ends very badly with deeply hurt feelings.

Of course, people are free to go down that rabbit hole. My only point is to proceed with caution. I, personally, would let sleeping dogs lie.

NP. I have actually had the experience. In my 40s, a child my mother had given up for adoption when she was 18 contacted us. I had never known my mother had a child before me. I’m so glad I got to meet my older sister and she’s great! Of course she has her own parents and brother who are her real family but it’s nice to be part of her bonus family so to speak. It’s hilarious how exactly like my mother and aunt she is. We call each other at Christmas and drop in to visit while we’re in the area, much like any other extended family. I also have a friend who found out about a half sibling that was the result of an affair her father had. Obviously that’s was more hurtful but overall they’re all happy to know each other and had meeting up. So I think your assumption that all new family connections must be fraught with drama and heartbreak is unrealistic and informed by your personal experience too although given that you are not someone who has direct experience with any of it I’m not sure why you’re so convinced you know how other people feel and should think.

My own kids are donor-conceived and I think of their donor siblings as roughly second cousins — the kinds of people who are technically family but you only build a relationship with if the individuals in question really click as friends. Their donor is openid so he signed up to be contacted when they’re adults. So far they aren’t interested and don’t care but I’m glad they’ll have the option if that ever changes.

[Anonymous]

Hey, it’s me, the egg donor reject. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. I think you’re being naive and Pollyannaesque about the many probable negative consequences of seeking out strangers who share your DNA. Donor conceived children have every right to be interested in their backgrounds, that doesn’t mean locating half-siblings or donors is going to go well.

Tell the truth: imagine that out of the blue you were contacted by some complete stranger who, based on his or her research, believed that you had the same biological father. Meanwhile, your parents have been happily married for many years and you had no idea about dad’s indiscretions/donations. Would you jump to get to know this person? Or would it open up a can of worms? Or put up your spidey senses? I suspect that most people would be shocked and wary and very unlikely to start a warm familial relationship under such circumstances.

But let’s assume you both know you’re donor offspring. How do you know that your biological half sibling isn’t a sociopath/addict/thief trying to take advantage of you? It could start off with “brother, boy do we have so much in common” and turn into “hey, I’m in trouble could you lend me $500?”

Or it could be less dramatic and you meet, hit it off and then suddenly new found sibling ghosts you for whatever reason.

My position isn’t that donor kids are wrong to be curious and or interested about biologically related strangers out there in the world, but rather that they should be prepared for some serious letdowns. It’s highly unlikely to be rainbows and unicorns.

Do some research and look into the eventual outcomes of situations where people have found their biological relatives. After the initial high of “isn’t this exciting!” and “we both like Broadway and camping! omg, you also ran track in college! i finally feel complete!” it almost always ends very badly with deeply hurt feelings.

Of course, people are free to go down that rabbit hole. My only point is to proceed with caution. I, personally, would let sleeping dogs lie.

I think it's a real blessing that you were a donor egg reject. You clearly do not have a sensitive bone in your body, and would not be able to handle being contacted by your DNA offspring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind.
--an adoptee (new poster)

To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us.

I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history.

We have a winner! That would be the reason. And no, I'm not obsessed, just wanting to do right by my children. Not sure why you have such a chip on your shoulder about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hey, it’s me, the egg donor reject. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. I think you’re being naive and Pollyannaesque about the many probable negative consequences of seeking out strangers who share your DNA. Donor conceived children have every right to be interested in their backgrounds, that doesn’t mean locating half-siblings or donors is going to go well.

Tell the truth: imagine that out of the blue you were contacted by some complete stranger who, based on his or her research, believed that you had the same biological father. Meanwhile, your parents have been happily married for many years and you had no idea about dad’s indiscretions/donations. Would you jump to get to know this person? Or would it open up a can of worms? Or put up your spidey senses? I suspect that most people would be shocked and wary and very unlikely to start a warm familial relationship under such circumstances.

But let’s assume you both know you’re donor offspring. How do you know that your biological half sibling isn’t a sociopath/addict/thief trying to take advantage of you? It could start off with “brother, boy do we have so much in common” and turn into “hey, I’m in trouble could you lend me $500?”

Or it could be less dramatic and you meet, hit it off and then suddenly new found sibling ghosts you for whatever reason.

My position isn’t that donor kids are wrong to be curious and or interested about biologically related strangers out there in the world, but rather that they should be prepared for some serious letdowns. It’s highly unlikely to be rainbows and unicorns.

Do some research and look into the eventual outcomes of situations where people have found their biological relatives. After the initial high of “isn’t this exciting!” and “we both like Broadway and camping! omg, you also ran track in college! i finally feel complete!” it almost always ends very badly with deeply hurt feelings.

Of course, people are free to go down that rabbit hole. My only point is to proceed with caution. I, personally, would let sleeping dogs lie.

I think it's a real blessing that you were a donor egg reject. You clearly do not have a sensitive bone in your body, and would not be able to handle being contacted by your DNA offspring.

I blatantly said that I would refuse to have any contact with any donor offspring. Most people who chose to be anonymous donors feel that way. If they wanted contact with future offspring they wouldn’t have chosen to be anonymous. I’m not being insensitive. I’m being realistic. Go ahead and seek out some former college kid who masturbated into a cup twenty years ago before DNA registrations became a thing. See the luck you’ll have with establishing a relationship. Keep it up Pollyanna.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

When I was 10, I felt the way your DC does. But when I had my own children, I felt they had a right to know any medical information that might be out there, so I did genetic testing and reached out to my DNA relatives. We have some info now if they ever need it. Please keep an open mind.
--an adoptee (new poster)

To my knowledge donors do provide a medical history. That being said, I fail to see why it’s that important to know about. I have type one diabetes. Not one of my direct ancestors has ever had it. None of my siblings or cousins have it. I’m literally the only one who has it. My DH had a grandma with ALS. We do not know of anyone else who ever had it in his family. He and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins have been tested for a known gene. There’s absolutely nothing that doctors are aware of at this time. All this knowledge does is worry us.

I get that it would be useful to know if you have some sort of preventable and or treatable disease that runs in the family, but some times stuff just happens. Otherwise, how does knowing this information help you? It wouldn’t have helped my treatment to know that my aunt had diabetes. I’m me and I need my doctors to treat me, not my relatives. I really don’t get the obsession with medical history.

You are assuming that your disinterest is shared by others. People are different, and many adoptees or donor-conceived people want to know their origins, especially when they are older. I don't think they need to explain or justify it, whether it's for medical reasons or otherwise. I think that some parents of DC children feel threatened by this so they are dismissive of it. DC people shouldn't be made to feel guilty or ungrateful for wanting to know where they came from, which I could see happening in this scenario.

I understand being curious about your ethnic origins. I would be. But there’s no need to pretend that it’s anything beyond curiosity. There’s no need to act like it’s an important medical need. I certainly don’t need to know my family medical history to know I should probably avoid smoking, eat healthy and exercise.

More importantly, I think donor kids are really setting themselves up for major disappointment by trying to reach out to unknown biological relatives. Most anonymous egg and sperm donors don’t want to be found. It was just some college kid making money. You can go ahead and do a DNA test. You can probably find out who the donor was, but you cannot make this person have a relationship with you. Worse, it’s incredibly disruptive to his or her lives and their families. Likewise the relationships with donor siblings will most likely be superficial and meaningless. You can make a go of it, but it’s probably not going to fulfill you in any way unless you’re really lucky.

I always laugh at those Ancestry.com commercials, about how people finally figure out who there are from doing a DNA test.

Seriously? You didn’t know who you were already? You needed a DNA test to be yourself?

In the case of donor kids and adoptees, it sounds more like you need a therapist, a different attitude and some gratitude. You should be thankful that your parents really, really wanted you and went to great lengths to have you. It’s not being dismissive, it’s being practical about reality.

I hope you are not the parent of an adopted or DC child with that attitude. It's not for you to dictate how the child should think or feel, and your reactions show a lack of awareness of this issue. And to say that a DC should be grateful to you for going to great lengths to have them?! You were fulfilling your own desire to be a parent. That is a parent-centric view. The child needs should come first. (And no, I am not adopted or DC myself; I am close to someone who is.)

No, I’m just someone who strongly considered being an egg donor during grad school. (I thought I was an ideal candidate, as did the clinic at first. But it turns out I’m carrier of a rare genetic disease, so I got rejected.)

Anyway, it’s something I put a lot of thought into. I think it’s a gift and a miracle to be alive. I can’t imagine being angry about my birth or mad at my parents for deciding to use a donor to have me. I truly believe that being a (paid, anonymous) donor is a good deed. It doesn’t mean that I would want any contact with the children that would have been born from my donations. I would not. They would already have parents and I wouldn’t even know who if anyone had been born.

The reality is that life isn’t fair. You have to make the most of what you’ve got. Sitting around and lamenting your birth is unhealthy to say the least. It’s a bad attitude that will not change anything.

I cannot dictate how other people feel. I’m not trying to. My point is that seeking out donors will most likely be a painful dead end. You have to find fulfillment and wholeness from within. It’s never going to be found from a dna test. I cannot imagine living my life dwelling on such things. I feel sorry for those who do.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you have difficulty understanding beyond your own perspective and are making condescending and judgmental assumptions about people in whose shoes you've never walked. For many people, it is natural to be interested in their origins and, if they have biological half-siblings, to want to know about them. I think you just can't empathize with it, but it's okay because you are not a parent of such a child so it's more of an intellectual exercise for you.

Hey, it’s me, the egg donor reject. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. I think you’re being naive and Pollyannaesque about the many probable negative consequences of seeking out strangers who share your DNA. Donor conceived children have every right to be interested in their backgrounds, that doesn’t mean locating half-siblings or donors is going to go well.

Tell the truth: imagine that out of the blue you were contacted by some complete stranger who, based on his or her research, believed that you had the same biological father. Meanwhile, your parents have been happily married for many years and you had no idea about dad’s indiscretions/donations. Would you jump to get to know this person? Or would it open up a can of worms? Or put up your spidey senses? I suspect that most people would be shocked and wary and very unlikely to start a warm familial relationship under such circumstances.

But let’s assume you both know you’re donor offspring. How do you know that your biological half sibling isn’t a sociopath/addict/thief trying to take advantage of you? It could start off with “brother, boy do we have so much in common” and turn into “hey, I’m in trouble could you lend me $500?”

Or it could be less dramatic and you meet, hit it off and then suddenly new found sibling ghosts you for whatever reason.

My position isn’t that donor kids are wrong to be curious and or interested about biologically related strangers out there in the world, but rather that they should be prepared for some serious letdowns. It’s highly unlikely to be rainbows and unicorns.

Do some research and look into the eventual outcomes of situations where people have found their biological relatives. After the initial high of “isn’t this exciting!” and “we both like Broadway and camping! omg, you also ran track in college! i finally feel complete!” it almost always ends very badly with deeply hurt feelings.

Of course, people are free to go down that rabbit hole. My only point is to proceed with caution. I, personally, would let sleeping dogs lie.

NP. I have actually had the experience. In my 40s, a child my mother had given up for adoption when she was 18 contacted us. I had never known my mother had a child before me. I’m so glad I got to meet my older sister and she’s great! Of course she has her own parents and brother who are her real family but it’s nice to be part of her bonus family so to speak. It’s hilarious how exactly like my mother and aunt she is. We call each other at Christmas and drop in to visit while we’re in the area, much like any other extended family. I also have a friend who found out about a half sibling that was the result of an affair her father had. Obviously that’s was more hurtful but overall they’re all happy to know each other and had meeting up. So I think your assumption that all new family connections must be fraught with drama and heartbreak is unrealistic and informed by your personal experience too although given that you are not someone who has direct experience with any of it I’m not sure why you’re so convinced you know how other people feel and should think.

My own kids are donor-conceived and I think of their donor siblings as roughly second cousins — the kinds of people who are technically family but you only build a relationship with if the individuals in question really click as friends. Their donor is openid so he signed up to be contacted when they’re adults. So far they aren’t interested and don’t care but I’m glad they’ll have the option if that ever changes.

Of course, my opinions are based on real experiences. I do know people who were adopted and eventually found their biological families. It started off friendly and superficial with Christmas calls, etc. but ultimately it did not go well. There were many hurt feelings and issues with money down the road.

Besides, I am not saying that such relationships are always dramatic. I’m saying there’s a good chance they will not turn out the way the person seeking info would hope.

[Anonymous]

We zoom chat about once a year and share email updates and pictures once or twice a year with my kids "diblings" and their families. I would say no one in our group considers the others "family" but a connection to part of the story of who our kids are.

Currently of the diblings I know (~6) the kids are all 2-7 years old. We've been connected for about 5 years at this point.

We have pictures of them in our photo albums and when others ask who they are, my kids easily can tell them about how we got the sperm to make them from a sperm bank and those are other kids who have the same sperm donor. It's why they look a little similar.

It's fun to see the physical similarities and differences.

[Anonymous]

I have kids through donor sperm. Typically parents who want to connect with the “cousins” will sign up on donor sibling registry (free without an account) or their sperm bank’s sibling registry. There are also Facebook groups for “x sperm bank recipients.” If you don’t want to connect, your kid as a teenager may or may not want to. It will all depend on the parent and kid but there are options you can take or not take depending on your preferences.

[Anonymous]

It should be up to a child to decide if they ever want contact, but they should have the choice.

It should be illegal to withhold the fact to your child that they were donor conceived. It is unethical but it should also be illegal. Shame on any of you who won't tell your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course they need to know. God forbid they get into a relationship with one of them unknowingly (which has happened).

I was just wondering about this. Some men donated a LOT of spermicide and probably have a hundred kids out there who then have kids…The chance of unknowingly marrying a cousin seems possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. These people are not our family.

Your kid might feel otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course they need to know. God forbid they get into a relationship with one of them unknowingly (which has happened).

I was just wondering about this. Some men donated a LOT of spermicide and probably have a hundred kids out there who then have kids…The chance of unknowingly marrying a cousin seems possible.

Sperm

Omg autocorrect.