Telling donor conceived kids about half siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: for those of you who used an anonymous donor, how did you connect with their half siblings? I have reached out to the clinic where I got the donor sperm but not sure what information if any I will get from them. Did you use the Donor Sibling Registry? I do think my kids need to know even if they decide they never want to connect with half siblings.

Donor Sibling Registry and the sperm bank had a connection page. Fwiw, we all use "donor siblings" rather than "half siblings." To me, half siblings sound like members of your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. These people are not our family.

Your child's needs should come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: for those of you who used an anonymous donor, how did you connect with their half siblings? I have reached out to the clinic where I got the donor sperm but not sure what information if any I will get from them. Did you use the Donor Sibling Registry? I do think my kids need to know even if they decide they never want to connect with half siblings.

Donor Sibling Registry and the sperm bank had a connection page. Fwiw, we all use "donor siblings" rather than "half siblings." To me, half siblings sound like members of your immediate family.

I use donor sibling for preference too but coordinate with the other parents for what to use to avoid confusion if they prefer different words. (My kids are still a lot younger than OPs so the dynamic is likely different, I just wanted to point out that there’s no universal “right” term for all families.) I used my sperm bank’s family connection group since our donor is OpendID — anonymous to me but the kids can try to contact him after they turn 18 if they’re interested. I have friends with fully anonymous donors who have used the Donor Sibling Registry and they have all had good experiences as far as I know.

[Anonymous]

We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

[Anonymous]

I’ve talked about the donor since birth and now that the concept is becoming more concrete to my 3 year old, I’ve also introduced the donor siblings idea which seems to be a bit more difficult for them to understand. But it’s in the ongoing conversation and that’s my goal. I’m connected to all of the families we can find via a Facebook group. I think it’s important to open that connection for my child, so it’s available if they want it. I also like having access to shared medical information.

I do have a few boundaries I’ve placed for now, though, that I expect will evolve as my child gets older. I believe these choices ultimately belong to them. The first is that we haven’t attended any in-person meetups yet. The second is that I don’t refer to them as brothers and sisters, just “have the same donor as you.” I am totally fine with both of these happening eventually. I just want it to be at an age where my child is able to choose them. I believe these choices are theirs, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 10 years ago someone phoned my father (in his 70s) and claimed to be some "3rd cousin twice removed" kind of thing and wanted to meet. My father told this person he would call the police if they ever called again. I can't believe you folks put your DNA out there for the public.

Your dad was an old crank. What does he think calling the police would do? Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will not be bringing strsngers into our family either. Some of you people are obsessed. So funny the way the obsessed ones want to tell other people how to raise their kids snd conduct their lives.

You can do as you please but in 20 years when your children no longer wish to speak to you you’ll only have yourself and your ego to blame.

Wow, you’re the one with the ego. I am not the PP, but I feel the same way about bringing complete strangers into my life for no legitimate reason. Sharing DNA does not make someone family. Full stop!

While people are obsessed with genealogy, I couldn’t give a rats ass about who my great-great grandpappy was or what he did. I have a sibling, close in age, with whom I grew up, but we barely speak. We’re both professionals with the same religious and political views and the same completely normal, upper middle class childhood but we have nothing in common. We prefer to disengage.

And don’t get me started on the many, many cousins I have out there…

Just because other people picked the same donor as I did doesn’t make us a happy commune. It’s not like our kids will instantly bond and be all kumbaya with each other.

All we have in common is that we sought out donor sperm for many different reasons and then ended up settling on the same donor, also for a variety of very different reasons. That’s no link at all. I might as well form a club with people who bought the same onsies as I did.

(You do realize that we’re all pretty closely related to a lot of people out there, right?)

As for my child, while there’s been a definite interest in knowing more about the donor, DC couldn’t care less about the other kids whose parents used the same donor. DC said, “Well, they wouldn’t know anything about him either would they? Maybe I’d like to meet his real kids to learn more about him. But what good would meeting other donor kids do?”

Even my ten year old realizes that these people are not our family. I guess my kid takes after me. Why do you suppose that my DC will suddenly adopt your views and perspectives? I’d say that’s pretty egotistical, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 10 years ago someone phoned my father (in his 70s) and claimed to be some "3rd cousin twice removed" kind of thing and wanted to meet. My father told this person he would call the police if they ever called again. I can't believe you folks put your DNA out there for the public.

Your Dad had some issues, huh? You as well.

[Anonymous]

You don't get to erase a child's genetic identity, his ancestry, his heritage, his parentage, his siblinfs, or anything. You didn't "buy" a baby, er, well you actually did, but you can't continue to act like none of that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. These people are not our family.

This.

[Anonymous]

Wow that's screwed up. Never thought about this, but that's a huge downside to donor eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to erase a child's genetic identity, his ancestry, his heritage, his parentage, his siblinfs, or anything. You didn't "buy" a baby, er, well you actually did, but you can't continue to act like none of that matter.

And you don’t get to dictate how other people feel about these things. Just because YOU would feel a connection to strangers who share your DNA, doesn’t mean that other people would, too.

I’m adopted. My parents are the people who raised me. You don’t get to tell me how you should feel about my heritage, my parentage, my siblings, or anything.

Your feelings on biology are not universal. Why do you get to think they are? Who are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. These people are not our family.

but it's possible that your children go off and have sex/marry/start a family with a half sibling if they are unaware. You ok with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I will do it this year. I do believe they deserve to know. I used an anonymous donor so who knows if they will ever connect with their half siblings or their biological father but they could always do 23 and me when they are 18 or go in the donor sibling registry.

With donor sperm, they may have more half siblings than they want to know about.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2023/08/01/woman-finds-65-half-siblings-sperm-donor/70498194007/

I'm sorry, but this is just ... I don't know... doesn't seem right that someone is able to father 65 children for money. If I were this person, I would be afraid to have sex with any white person because they could be related.