I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

[Anonymous]

You have two options:

1) Tell them you’re too exhausted (or however you feel) to host or travel this year; or

2) Invite them but say holiday dinner will be out at a restaurant or catered (Whole Foods, restaurant take out, etc), and other meals will also be pre-prepared.

I agree with others that you can’t invite them, tell them to stay in an Airbnb, and expect them to cook for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Nobody suggested that YOU do anything…you do get that, yes? This is advice for *OP.* *She* can decide whether this advice would work for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

True. But it IS rude to invite someone under the terms of “you’re welcome to pay for an Airbnb, stay in it, cook in it, and we will come see you there.”

Unless you present it to them that way and they would rather do that than skip a year. But yes I think that’s not a set of circumstances that are likely to be agreed on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Nobody suggested that YOU do anything…you do get that, yes? This is advice for *OP.* *She* can decide whether this advice would work for her.

I know this kind of shrewy advice is often dispensed on DCUM, that each time an in-law ask for anything, you play dumb and pretend your husband will actually handle things, but in practice it’s asinine. OP is wise not to put herself in that situation in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Look I get it. I hate hosting and cooking. But you have to compromise when you’re in a marriage. So either order a meal from a restaurant or go out! Plenty of restaurants do a fancy holiday meal, especially at nice hotels. Go and enjoy yourself at one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion but people with this level of introvert/social anxiety should just stay single. Why bother marrying - which in and of itself is a silent contract of combining families.

I hope OP doesn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…

Guarantee OP’s husband doesn’t agree they should only spend holidays with her parents from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…

This X1000. It’s rude for in the in laws to assume an invitation that they will be hosted, pampered and waited on. Declining to travel to them does not mean that OP and her husband are obligated to host them. Things do not need to be equal.

OP - if your in laws expect to be pampered then staying in a hotel or air bnb isn’t going to make things better. They will simply come over, park their butts on your couch and expect the pampering during the day and evening. If they are reasonable and like doing things independently then it can work but not if they are as they sound from your description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…

Guarantee OP’s husband doesn’t agree they should only spend holidays with her parents from now on.

Then he should step up and take this all off OP’s plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Nobody suggested that YOU do anything…you do get that, yes? This is advice for *OP.* *She* can decide whether this advice would work for her.

I haven’t had to resort to this but I almost wish I had for the drama (wrings hands in anticipatory glee). Would love to see how it plays out. I kinda suspect my husband would outshine me in hosting. He would throw money and glitz at it rather than me thinking about cleanliness and logic. His parents would have smoked salmon breakfasts and escorted tours from our very house. There would be fireworks at night. He would show me up for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion but people with this level of introvert/social anxiety should just stay single. Why bother marrying - which in and of itself is a silent contract of combining families.

I hope OP doesn't have kids.

I hear where you’re coming from. What I’m hearing is a lot of moms who are exhausted probably from doing it all without much help from anybody aside from their husbands. It’s different now then 20+ years ago because of the helicoptery parenting that’s common on dcum. I think we’re all just trying to survive and stay sane. Hosting unhelpful people over the holidays just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…

Guarantee OP’s husband doesn’t agree they should only spend holidays with her parents from now on.

That isn’t what the OP is suggesting (or what I’m saying). If someone is six months from Christmas looking out and dreading the work of a particular set of guests this year, it’s wholly reasonable to say, you know what, this year I want to hit the easy button on the holidays.

That means *next year* OP might not be dreading the holiday season and has the energy to travel or to host.

I have a friend whose parents were so insanely hell-bent on “fair” and exactly even and every holiday had to have perfectly matched time for each family, and now that friend goes in a cruise every year for Christmas, with her in laws. She told her mom the in laws pay and she doesn’t feel comfortable arguing about the dates, but it’s not true, she just gave up on a demanding person at the holidays.