I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

I was raised by a mother who did all the things to host at the holidays. She was an absolute martyr. I knew I didn’t want to pick up that mantel for myself but instead is seeing the guests at the problem, I decided to not copy the model of hosting my mother made for me. I will grocery shop, but I don’t prepare breakfast or lunch. Everyone knows where the kitchen is and are welcome to help themselves. I will figure out dinner with DH, but never make it alone. I sleep in, work out, and do all the stuff with the kids because I’m a host-ish.

Pages back someone asked where posters are from- I’m a WASP raised by Southerners who married a Northerner and we’re GenX.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

NP. Not every single holiday has to be spent with extended family. What don’t you get about that?

If OP felt the same about hosting her own parents too, that would be a rational point. But it’s not.

It’s perfectly rational to prefer guests who help over guests who don’t. Would a MIL be expected to keep hosting a DIL who sat on the couch day in and day out expecting to be waited on?

It’s also not clear they’re planning to host her family this year either.

What OP’s parents do is not typical or normal by any standard and yet that is what she is comparing her in laws to. She never said they sat on the couch and expected to be waited on.

If they don’t cook or clean, as she says they don’t, they clearly expect to be waited on. Unless they think there are elves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand this, OP. My in laws expect to be waited on at our home, yet don’t reciprocate when we visit. We have to cook at their home on a rotating schedule. I also don’t want them for the holidays again this year. While I’m ok with it some years, I also feel like a break is needed and that’s ok.

This is healthy and reasonable. The years we don’t host expansively make it possible to have the years in which we do.

[Anonymous]

At this point OP and her in-laws are fictional characters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point OP and her in-laws are fictional characters.

Of course it's a troll. This is a spin off the previous post where someone's in-laws are renting the large airBnb to do the hosting and cooking there but OP couldn't figure out how to go out for dinner and have her parents not pay one time. These trolls lack imagination.