I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

[Anonymous]

You dont have to invite them, but don’t invite them and then not feed them. Just tell them as soon as possible that you are planning a nuclear thanksgiving so they can make alternative plans if they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m fine with in laws visiting for the holidays, but I do not want them to stay with us or cook big dinners for holidays or do any traditional hosting duties. Is there any way of telling them we don’t want to fly to them and that they are free to come but we will not be hosting? If they want to come and stay close by in an Airbnb and have holidays/meals at their place, that is fine. I just don’t want to 1)fly across the country with kids 2) cook and clean for 8 people during the holidays.

When my parents come to visit for the holidays, they take on all the hosting duties- they stay with us but do everything around the house- cooking, anything holiday related, tonnes of childcare. They love it and it’s easy on us so we are happy to have them around.

That doesn't sound typical. It's a gift to be certain, but I would not be comfortable with hosting anyone and allowing them to do "everything" around the house. Fwiw, I wouldn't do that at their house either. That's sort of lazy. Many hands make light work.

[Anonymous]

What I will say is be careful of favoring one set of parents over the other, particularly when the issues are minor and not about abuse. Your kids are watching you and you're teaching them how to value extended family - which you will someday be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

True. But it IS rude to invite someone under the terms of “you’re welcome to pay for an Airbnb, stay in it, cook in it, and we will come see you there.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

+1. So OP is really lazy. She can’t be bothered to travel and be waited on. She can only stand it when people travel TO her AND wait on her. What happens when your kids are grown OP? I guess they are SOL.

Eh. I don’t assume laziness. Two careers + young kids is really, really hard and often barely held together.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re a selfish twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

+1. So OP is really lazy. She can’t be bothered to travel and be waited on. She can only stand it when people travel TO her AND wait on her. What happens when your kids are grown OP? I guess they are SOL.

Wait, so OP is lazy because she doesn’t want to travel, or host. But her husband is somehow…not lazy? Not a horrible person? How did he get a pass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.

NP. Um, she is up for hosting her parents since they literally roll up and cook and clean and make the holiday meal. Versus ILs who don’t help. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.