I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

I’m fine with in laws visiting for the holidays, but I do not want them to stay with us or cook big dinners for holidays or do any traditional hosting duties. Is there any way of telling them we don’t want to fly to them and that they are free to come but we will not be hosting? If they want to come and stay close by in an Airbnb and have holidays/meals at their place, that is fine. I just don’t want to 1)fly across the country with kids 2) cook and clean for 8 people during the holidays.

When my parents come to visit for the holidays, they take on all the hosting duties- they stay with us but do everything around the house- cooking, anything holiday related, tonnes of childcare. They love it and it’s easy on us so we are happy to have them around.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

This poster is correct, OP. I completely sympathize and understand. I'm an introvert with social anxiety, and if I had to host guests every Christmas, cook and clean for them, I would not be able to enjoy that very special time of the year.

But sadly, it sounds rude to just come out and say so. You have to say: "work is always hectic that time of year, sorry we can't host or travel", or whatever you can imagine that might percolate for them.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of places to order from so that you can host without the burden of cooking a big meal.

[Anonymous]

No. You don't want people to stay with you and you don't want to host. Perhaps you and your immediate family would like to go out for a fancy restaurant meal for the holidays instead this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of places to order from so that you can host without the burden of cooking a big meal.

But they're not tasty at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

This poster is correct, OP. I completely sympathize and understand. I'm an introvert with social anxiety, and if I had to host guests every Christmas, cook and clean for them, I would not be able to enjoy that very special time of the year.

But sadly, it sounds rude to just come out and say so. You have to say: "work is always hectic that time of year, sorry we can't host or travel", or whatever you can imagine that might percolate for them.

You’re quoting me and I definitely sympathize too. If I had come up with a polite way to say this to my in-laws I’d be shouting it from the rooftops. But I agree the only way is to leave them with the inference, like you say.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, OP, just say that due to busy schedules you’ll be ordering takeout for evening meals. Otherwise of course you hooked let them stay. Suck it up, it’s what you do for family. And have your DH speak to them about chipping in to help with cleanup etc. but your expectations are skewed since you seem to expect your elders to wait on you hand and foot while visiting!

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband to host it and own the process. His family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to host it and own the process. His family

+1

Agree. I'm with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I also empathize because my IL doesn’t help out at all when she visits, even when I was managing a newborn and a toddler and was exhausted. When I visit, I help her out a lot.

Parents seem to be comfortable helping their daughters but not their daughters in law. Maybe the comfort level isn’t there.

If they visit, they could do Airbnb, take out and restaurants. I’m not sure what’s open on Christmas—maybe a casino restaurant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also empathize because my IL doesn’t help out at all when she visits, even when I was managing a newborn and a toddler and was exhausted. When I visit, I help her out a lot.

Parents seem to be comfortable helping their daughters but not their daughters in law. Maybe the comfort level isn’t there.

If they visit, they could do Airbnb, take out and restaurants. I’m not sure what’s open on Christmas—maybe a casino restaurant?

Opposite here, so I have to stick up for mother-in-laws! My MIL is amazing and always offers to help with meals and childcare and is a cheerful sidekick for the random outings I save up that my own family doesn’t enjoy. My own mother is a burden and couldn’t even hold or watch my newborn while I showered, and is always asking about the next meal. I cook regular meals and always let her know the plan in advance, so this is just her being anxious. I’m glad I married into a family that isn’t American- when we “quit” Thanksgiving I only had to break it to half the family. I’ve also made it clear that we won’t fly for Christmas anymore after way too many weather and airport-related dramas, including one that left us at home with no decorations or clothing or presents while our luggage spent the week at my mom’s.

[Anonymous]

Get one of those big restaurant holiday takeout orders. The restaurants have really stepped these up since Covid and they seem to be here to stay. That way you’re just reheating stuff. Makes it super easy. Or even go out to a big restaurant meal with the whole family! Some places are closed on Christmas Day but they’ll be open the 23rd and 24th and after Christmas as well, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

+1. So OP is really lazy. She can’t be bothered to travel and be waited on. She can only stand it when people travel TO her AND wait on her. What happens when your kids are grown OP? I guess they are SOL.

[Anonymous]

“Larla, we’re going to be staying local this year and keeping our holiday celebration small. We’d love to FaceTime you so you can see the kids open their gifts.”