I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

You are not considering her feelings equivalent to those of her in-laws. You believe their desire to come and be waited on should take precedence over her stated desire not to do exactly that. Which, in a decision about what she and her family will do, is not reasonable.

Her husband gets an equal vote to her, maybe he also wants to play this year on easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

You are not considering her feelings equivalent to those of her in-laws. You believe their desire to come and be waited on should take precedence over her stated desire not to do exactly that. Which, in a decision about what she and her family will do, is not reasonable.

Her husband gets an equal vote to her, maybe he also wants to play this year on easy.

Maybe he does, maybe doesn’t. Maybe he likes his parents. We don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

You are not considering her feelings equivalent to those of her in-laws. You believe their desire to come and be waited on should take precedence over her stated desire not to do exactly that. Which, in a decision about what she and her family will do, is not reasonable.

Her husband gets an equal vote to her, maybe he also wants to play this year on easy.

Maybe he does, maybe doesn’t. Maybe he likes his parents. We don’t know.

And so we’re left with only the OP to advise. And taking only her post, both of her positions— not wanting to fly across the country with kids and not wanting to cook and clean for eight— are perfectly reasonable.

I would say the exact same thing to a MIL who was burnt out at the holiday and didn’t want to host or to travel— she’s the ultimate arbiter of what she needs at the holiday this year. Especially giving people five months notice I would give her my blessing to fly to Bali!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

You are not considering her feelings equivalent to those of her in-laws. You believe their desire to come and be waited on should take precedence over her stated desire not to do exactly that. Which, in a decision about what she and her family will do, is not reasonable.

Her husband gets an equal vote to her, maybe he also wants to play this year on easy.

Maybe he does, maybe doesn’t. Maybe he likes his parents. We don’t know.

And so we’re left with only the OP to advise. And taking only her post, both of her positions— not wanting to fly across the country with kids and not wanting to cook and clean for eight— are perfectly reasonable.

I would say the exact same thing to a MIL who was burnt out at the holiday and didn’t want to host or to travel— she’s the ultimate arbiter of what she needs at the holiday this year. Especially giving people five months notice I would give her my blessing to fly to Bali!

And since she never returned was quite possibly a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

You are not considering her feelings equivalent to those of her in-laws. You believe their desire to come and be waited on should take precedence over her stated desire not to do exactly that. Which, in a decision about what she and her family will do, is not reasonable.

Her husband gets an equal vote to her, maybe he also wants to play this year on easy.

Maybe he does, maybe doesn’t. Maybe he likes his parents. We don’t know.

And so we’re left with only the OP to advise. And taking only her post, both of her positions— not wanting to fly across the country with kids and not wanting to cook and clean for eight— are perfectly reasonable.

I would say the exact same thing to a MIL who was burnt out at the holiday and didn’t want to host or to travel— she’s the ultimate arbiter of what she needs at the holiday this year. Especially giving people five months notice I would give her my blessing to fly to Bali!

And since she never returned was quite possibly a troll.

Or she got such an avalanche of mean-spirited irrational replies instead of any real advice that it wasn't worth the time to sift through it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is a long journey. For a small portion of that journey it’s your turn to host or travel. Suck it up, you little baby.

NP. Life is an individual journey of personal choices. OP is free to make any choices that works for her, and she answers only to herself and her husband. Together, they decide how they will spend their holidays.

Hint: if you are the kind of person people have to “suck it up” to endure seeing, it’s you who is living your life wrong.

I love that it eats you up inside that you don’t get to control what others do, no matter how many names you call them. Stay mad!

Ha ha. I’m not mad. I just think you’re lives are all so self-centered and sad. It’s always about you.

And you wish you could bend people to force them to “suck it up,” because you want it to be about you! Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

NP. Not every single holiday has to be spent with extended family. What don’t you get about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

NP. Not every single holiday has to be spent with extended family. What don’t you get about that?

If OP felt the same about hosting her own parents too, that would be a rational point. But it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

NP. Not every single holiday has to be spent with extended family. What don’t you get about that?

If OP felt the same about hosting her own parents too, that would be a rational point. But it’s not.

Yeah because her parents help and do a lot and don’t expect to be hosted. Big difference.

Now having said that, I do think there’s not a way to essentially say, “you can come here at the holidays if you do all the work.” That’s not a thing. But there are ways OP can save a lot of time and effort if her IL’s do come and we’ve been through all of these ideas in the thread already. Or she could be honest and say we’re not up to really doing anything this year, let’s plan on next year or getting together over spring break or something else entirely when she feels like she has more time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

NP. Not every single holiday has to be spent with extended family. What don’t you get about that?

If OP felt the same about hosting her own parents too, that would be a rational point. But it’s not.

It’s perfectly rational to prefer guests who help over guests who don’t. Would a MIL be expected to keep hosting a DIL who sat on the couch day in and day out expecting to be waited on?

It’s also not clear they’re planning to host her family this year either.

[Anonymous]

I understand this, OP. My in laws expect to be waited on at our home, yet don’t reciprocate when we visit. We have to cook at their home on a rotating schedule. I also don’t want them for the holidays again this year. While I’m ok with it some years, I also feel like a break is needed and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a “boomer thing.” We are older millennials who love traveling to and also hosting extended family. Our kids love it too and we place a huge value on it. Family is everything, especially that close cousin relationship. IYKYK. You can’t put a price on it.

It’s amazing that you have those relationships. Would you want to be hosted by extended family who didn’t want to host you? Or host someone in your home who didn’t want to be there?

Or would your rather they made a choice to have the holiday they wanted? Because what seems to characterize the Boomer posters is the idea that DIL must host MIL or travel to her, even if it makes her miserable, which is not typically a Gen X/Milleneal
Perspective

In order to foster those relationships you have to be committed to time spent together. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires some flexibility and a DESIRE for the relationships to exist. That is the part OP seems to be really lacking. But it is so so worth it to have these lifelong relationships. But as long as OP's kids have her side of the family, she doesn't even seem interested in the other side of the family, which is sad. Many other posters here seem to have that same attitude unfortunately for them.

I get that, but I don’t feel like it answers the question.

I would be mortified if I flew to visit someone who found it exhausting to host me. I be equally mortified to be hosting someone who didn’t want to be there.

If there’s someone who doesn’t want you in their home— would you still insist they should host you? Would you want to be hosted someplace knowing you were exhausting the hostess?

I would be mortified to be unwilling to host or visit my inlaws. I love my husband far too much to ever be that way towards his parents who raised him. I would also be mortified to deny my children a close relationship with their grandparents who love them and are interested in them, which is what OP is doing whether that is her intent or not. OP's stance on this is not okay. It just isn't. She didn't claim they were abusive in some way. She doesn't even say she doesn't like them. She just says she can't be bothered to host or visit. They can't even visit in her home if they do ALL the work (like her mom and dad do.) They must stay in a rental and STILL do ALL THE WORK for OP to even consider it. This is not normal or ok. Its some form of weird anxiety, or just plain lack of caring.

So…yes? You would go somewhere knowing the host didn’t want you to be there and you were keeping them from having the holiday they wanted?

I realize you don’t think the OPs position is valid and you don’t believe she has a right to the holiday she wants. But I’m not sure I think your position— that someone should host you so you get what you want while ruining their holiday— is more defensible.

Knowing that it was my only option to see my own child and grandchildren and knowing that my child's spouse was not likely to suddenly decide she wanted to host me in the future, then YES absolutely! I'm not giving up on my child and grandchild because my DIL is...whatever she is.

Ok. From my perspective that’s the self centered behavior, because you’re knowingly ruining someone’s holiday just to have your own way. Even if you do see a DIL as less than a person.

Well of course that's your perspective. Because you are elevating the feelings of ONE person above the feelings of everyone else involved. Other people's feelings matter too.

And you, in turn, are denigrating the feelings of ONE person because they don’t comport with how you think she should feel. The only other person whose feelings matter in this are OPs husband, and all we know about him so far is that he also enjoys letting her parents do the heavy lifting.

I'm not denigrating her feelings. But she hasn't even offered any alternatives. Can the inlaws come for New Years instead? MLK? Or is it just "I don't feel like it this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not."?? We need a lot more information, which OP has not given.

NP. Not every single holiday has to be spent with extended family. What don’t you get about that?

If OP felt the same about hosting her own parents too, that would be a rational point. But it’s not.

It’s perfectly rational to prefer guests who help over guests who don’t. Would a MIL be expected to keep hosting a DIL who sat on the couch day in and day out expecting to be waited on?

It’s also not clear they’re planning to host her family this year either.

What OP’s parents do is not typical or normal by any standard and yet that is what she is comparing her in laws to. She never said they sat on the couch and expected to be waited on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand this, OP. My in laws expect to be waited on at our home, yet don’t reciprocate when we visit. We have to cook at their home on a rotating schedule. I also don’t want them for the holidays again this year. While I’m ok with it some years, I also feel like a break is needed and that’s ok.

What would happen if you sent out a sign up before their next visit and told them to pick two nights where they are responsible for the shopping and cooking? If they do that to you, this is totally fair game.