I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion but people with this level of introvert/social anxiety should just stay single. Why bother marrying - which in and of itself is a silent contract of combining families.

I hope OP doesn't have kids.

What an unnecessarily hateful thing to say.

I’m not the OP but I’m an introvert, with social anxiety, who is married AND has a child. In your mind should I divorce and place my child for adoption?

It’s entirely possible to socialize and blend families without huge hosting responsibilities and massive groups of people. It’s entirely possible to build beautiful holidays that also include quiet, restorative time for the people who need it. The fact that you don’t understand that means, statistically, there is at least on miserable introvert in your life.
I hope it’s not your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion but people with this level of introvert/social anxiety should just stay single. Why bother marrying - which in and of itself is a silent contract of combining families.

I hope OP doesn't have kids.

Right on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

True. But it IS rude to invite someone under the terms of “you’re welcome to pay for an Airbnb, stay in it, cook in it, and we will come see you there.”

Unless you present it to them that way and they would rather do that than skip a year. But yes I think that’s not a set of circumstances that are likely to be agreed on.

NP. No one needs to “agree” with one family’s decision about how they will or will not spend their time.

My MIL still does not “agree” that we don’t spend each and every holiday with her, but we carry on doing what we want with our time, money and vacation leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Nobody suggested that YOU do anything…you do get that, yes? This is advice for *OP.* *She* can decide whether this advice would work for her.

I know this kind of shrewy advice is often dispensed on DCUM, that each time an in-law ask for anything, you play dumb and pretend your husband will actually handle things, but in practice it’s asinine. OP is wise not to put herself in that situation in the first place.

Says you. It’s OK for other people to make suggestions you don’t like, what with you not being OP and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Why don’t you hide in the office and tell your DH to quit hiding from his own parents???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

This really isn’t hard. When my in-laws came for the holidays, MIL helped DH put sheets on the bed, and DH made us all instant ramen for Christmas dinner and served wine. It was fun! Instant ramen is always delicious! I did nothing! In-laws praised DH’s cooking skills, and fun was had by all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

This. Suck it up for your kids. You are going to deprive them of holiday traditions. Get the food catered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Nobody suggested that YOU do anything…you do get that, yes? This is advice for *OP.* *She* can decide whether this advice would work for her.

I haven’t had to resort to this but I almost wish I had for the drama (wrings hands in anticipatory glee). Would love to see how it plays out. I kinda suspect my husband would outshine me in hosting. He would throw money and glitz at it rather than me thinking about cleanliness and logic. His parents would have smoked salmon breakfasts and escorted tours from our very house. There would be fireworks at night. He would show me up for sure.

So why don’t you have him host????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

This really isn’t hard. When my in-laws came for the holidays, MIL helped DH put sheets on the bed, and DH made us all instant ramen for Christmas dinner and served wine. It was fun! Instant ramen is always delicious! I did nothing! In-laws praised DH’s cooking skills, and fun was had by all.

+1. People make holidays so complicated and miserable. I handed all the duties to DH. He got some frozen Trader Joe’s meals and some wine and we all had a low stress good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

OK? And then…I still wouldn’t do it. If they were asking what’s for dinner, “Bob will be taking care of it; please ask him.” If they arrive and there are no sheets on the bed, “Bob said he would be taking care of that, just go remind him and I’m sure he’ll handle it.” If they ask what’s for Christmas dinner, “Bob promised he’s got it covered—check with him.”

This may wind up with Chinese takeout for Christmas dinner. So be it. Maybe ILs will notice that Bob isn’t doing jack, so they’ll take the initiative to get some takeout menus together and make a plan. Don’t pick up the rope, and someone else probably will.

Having my in-laws hanging around my house while I spend every minute deflecting to my husband who is hiding in his office sounds like a truly miserable Christmas. Pass.

Nobody suggested that YOU do anything…you do get that, yes? This is advice for *OP.* *She* can decide whether this advice would work for her.

I haven’t had to resort to this but I almost wish I had for the drama (wrings hands in anticipatory glee). Would love to see how it plays out. I kinda suspect my husband would outshine me in hosting. He would throw money and glitz at it rather than me thinking about cleanliness and logic. His parents would have smoked salmon breakfasts and escorted tours from our very house. There would be fireworks at night. He would show me up for sure.

So why don’t you have him host????

+1. He does sound like he’d host better than you. Why not just have him do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either invite them or don’t invite them. But there is no way you can “invite” them to stay in a hotel and make a holiday meal for you.

In your shoes, I would sit down WITH MY HUSBAND and I’d tell him:

“I’m not up for travel. If you would like to invite your parents to stay here, that is fine, but know this: I will not be hosting. Any cooking and cleaning, decorating and entertaining is on you. I’m going to be living home life as normal. I will not be changing sheets, cooking a holiday meal, etc. If you want to cook, go for it. If you want to order take-out, go for it. I am being very clear with you that I’m not up for being hostess with the mostess, so if you want to invite them, you are going to be the host on duty.”

Hopefully this is something OP can do and her husband follow through with but I know my husband would overpromise and then not deliver in this scenario.

This really isn’t hard. When my in-laws came for the holidays, MIL helped DH put sheets on the bed, and DH made us all instant ramen for Christmas dinner and served wine. It was fun! Instant ramen is always delicious! I did nothing! In-laws praised DH’s cooking skills, and fun was had by all.

+1. People make holidays so complicated and miserable. I handed all the duties to DH. He got some frozen Trader Joe’s meals and some wine and we all had a low stress good time.

+2. We do this same thing for Thanksgiving. My kids hate all the traditional Thanksgiving foods so we just buy a bunch of snacks at TJ and call it a day. All the memories created are happy ones.

[Anonymous]

If “feminism” is Trader Joe’s frozen meals and instant ramen for dinner, then I guess I’m glad I’m not one. Your sons will thank me that I raised daughters who can and enjoy cooking and view it as valuable to family. I wish you all would raise your sons the same. I would be mortified if my daughters treated their in-laws the way many of you are proposing. How can you promote utter selfishness so boldly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If “feminism” is Trader Joe’s frozen meals and instant ramen for dinner, then I guess I’m glad I’m not one. Your sons will thank me that I raised daughters who can and enjoy cooking and view it as valuable to family. I wish you all would raise your sons the same. I would be mortified if my daughters treated their in-laws the way many of you are proposing. How can you promote utter selfishness so boldly?

My sons and daughters were raised by both DH and me to cook, clean, and stay connected with family and friends. Thus, they are all poised to be equal partners and will never have spouses who are burned out. Win-win-win.

If a lot of women today are burned out, it’s because their spouses were raised by sexist nitwits who now expect their DILs to do every little thing. Nope! My husband is an equal host with me, and he manages his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

This. Suck it up for your kids. You are going to deprive them of holiday traditions. Get the food catered.

Or she’s going to give them different traditions and memories, that don’t include a stressed-out mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

+1. So OP is really lazy. She can’t be bothered to travel and be waited on. She can only stand it when people travel TO her AND wait on her. What happens when your kids are grown OP? I guess they are SOL.

It’s her choice if she wants to be that way. We all don’t have to conform to your way of being. But judge away grandma.