Do I discourage and save her embarrassment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my really short son try out for MS basketball. He played a bit pre pandemic, but nothing since and really wasn't prepared. I thought he might try out, so this summer I suggested a basketball clinic, but he wasn't interested then. So he really went in cold, and I think it was tough, but good for him to try out even though he didn't make it (obviously.)

It was a low stakes way for him to realize that he wasn't in elementary anymore and that he needs to up his effort if he wants to make teams/groups of any sort and also that there are some things outside his control that will affect his outcomes but that we will support him trying if he wants.

For your DD, will these girls hassle her in other school settings if she doesn't make the team? That would be the only reason to discourage this.

This is basically my situation! Thanks for sharing!

Yes, the sporty girls are MEAN at her school. Of course, the stories I hear are from her perspective. So far she’s been able to remain sort of invisible to them, cloistered away within her modest little friend group. I worry this will put her on their radar.

All of your posts really sound to me like you are projecting your fears and insecurities from MS and HS onto your daughter. Please don't. Let her live her life her way. She might get hurt, but she might be far more resilient or stronger in that way than you were. We are not our kids. (I mean this nicely, I hope it didn't come cross mean)

[Anonymous]

I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

The problem is that well-meaning mom may not be the one to do this fairly. She has her own baggage and may unnecessarily burden her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

Why is it embarrassing to try out for a team and not be good enough to make it? Why would you tell a child this is how this situation should feel? Why not frame it as I know a lot of the girls are good at volleyball so go in and do your best and see what happens. You'll get an idea where you stand and we're very supportive of helping you practice and improve if that's what you want.

[Anonymous]

Our children are adults and we have a great relationship with all of them. They do “joke,” though, about how we often discouraged them from trying out for certain things (sports, plays, even colleges) out of our fear of them getting rejected and feeling bad about themselves. They did NOT appreciate it when we did this, and almost always ignored the advice.

[Anonymous]

Don't project onto her, please. Ask her if she wants help preparing, or if you have the means, offer to get her a session with a private coach or something like that. Support her in what she wants to try. The desire to try should be commended! Be there for her if she doesn't make it and is disappointed. This is life! You have got to be willing to try a lot of things, even when you are not good at them. This is so so important.

I tried out for our (4x state championship winning) HS sports team with zero experience and got cut. I was foolish to think I could make it and it was embarrassing for sure, but it was FINE. I was mediocre at every sport I tried, made some teams, did not make some teams. Tried out for one team a bunch of years in a row, got cut, made JV sophomore year, and then made varsity junior and senior year. Senior year I won sportsmanship and team awards for every sport I participated in, pretty much just for being a good team player, trying hard, being coachable, and persevering. Because it sure wasn't for my ability or performance - I wasn't very good at anything. My parents required me to participate in a sport each season, but otherwise were not involved in selecting the sport or doing anything other than attend competitions. This encouragement and support was such a gift.

[Anonymous]

You cannot shield her from pain, OP. I'm sorry, I'm also the mom of a teenager and I know how hard it is. You need to be there to encourage and support; as others have said, this is how she builds resilience and inner strength. This is how you prepare her for adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her. Tell her you support her giving it her best shot, but it is a competitive team, so nothing is guaranteed. Be encouraging, but also realistic that there is a possibility she might not make the team this time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

The problem is that well-meaning mom may not be the one to do this fairly. She has her own baggage and may unnecessarily burden her kid.

I don’t have this same baggage but I think what she described is very likely. Her DD won’t make the team. She may or may not become mean girls victim but she won’t make the team that’s for sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

Why is it embarrassing to try out for a team and not be good enough to make it? Why would you tell a child this is how this situation should feel? Why not frame it as I know a lot of the girls are good at volleyball so go in and do your best and see what happens. You'll get an idea where you stand and we're very supportive of helping you practice and improve if that's what you want.

Because it is not a huge public where no one really cares. It’s a small and pretty insular private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rising middle school DD has never been into sports, and just isn’t coordinated in an athletic way in general. We did try pretty much all the typical sports on less competitive-type teams when she was younger, but nothing stuck. COVID happened and she sort of lost interest in sports all together.

Soon there will be volleyball tryouts at her small private school. All of the girls who will be trying out are “cliquey and popular” and already play on expensive travel teams. DD isnt, but is adamant she wants to try out. I don’t want her to be embarrassed if she doesn’t make the team. I can just picture how she will feel if she doesn’t, and I want to spare her that feeling. She thinks it’s all in fun, but our school is SUPER competitive at this level and I know she won’t make the team. She doesn’t know the first thing about the game, and the school is out to win.

What’s a mom to do?

Get her some private lessons and/or in a league before tryouts. That way she'll at least make a decent showing, even if she doesn't make it. And set her expectations. She cannot reasonably expect to make a team when the girls are already playing at a high level. But support her in trying, as I noted. Don't just send her in cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

The problem is that well-meaning mom may not be the one to do this fairly. She has her own baggage and may unnecessarily burden her kid.

I don’t have this same baggage but I think what she described is very likely. Her DD won’t make the team. She may or may not become mean girls victim but she won’t make the team that’s for sure

Let her "not make the team." There is often more learning in failure than success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely talk to her! She is free to do it but she needs to go into it with her eyes open . Ask her if she is ready to face the possible embarrassment. Tell her it is entirely up to her and you will support her no matter what but she needs to know what lies ahead.

The problem is that well-meaning mom may not be the one to do this fairly. She has her own baggage and may unnecessarily burden her kid.

I don’t have this same baggage but I think what she described is very likely. Her DD won’t make the team. She may or may not become mean girls victim but she won’t make the team that’s for sure

Let her "not make the team." There is often more learning in failure than success.

What meant was let her find out herself. Sounds like OP has tried to get her help

[Anonymous]

I would have a discussion and frame it as it is awesome that she wants to tryout for the team and she just needs to know that there are limited spots on a small roster like volleyball and she is going up against girls who have played for a long time and year round on Clubs. Then come up with a Plan B if she gets cut. Does she want to ask to be the manager? Does she want to run cross country? Etc

[Anonymous]

Let her try out.
Let her be her in all her awesomeness.