Do I discourage and save her embarrassment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

What would hurt more? Your MOM telling you that you're not good enough, or a coach/teacher/peer? Don't be your kid's bully, OP.

+1. Saving your kid the embarrassment of being told they’re not good enough by … telling them they’re not good enough. No way, OP!

[Anonymous]

Be a soft place to fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rising middle school DD has never been into sports, and just isn’t coordinated in an athletic way in general. We did try pretty much all the typical sports on less competitive-type teams when she was younger, but nothing stuck. COVID happened and she sort of lost interest in sports all together.

Soon there will be volleyball tryouts at her small private school. All of the girls who will be trying out are “cliquey and popular” and already play on expensive travel teams. DD isnt, but is adamant she wants to try out. I don’t want her to be embarrassed if she doesn’t make the team. I can just picture how she will feel if she doesn’t, and I want to spare her that feeling. She thinks it’s all in fun, but our school is SUPER competitive at this level and I know she won’t make the team. She doesn’t know the first thing about the game, and the school is out to win.

What’s a mom to do?

Let her try out

My 5A sporty school district allowed everyone to do intramural sports in 7&8th grade. There was an A team, B team and C team for the team ball sports.

Kids all figured it out by high school time and knew where their interests and abilities were best applied.

[Anonymous]

I keep going back to the title here -
Do I discourage and save her embarrassment?

I guess I fail to see what is embarrassing about trying out for a team, even if you are not good at the sport, at this age. Your daughter is trying to figure out who she is and you should let her - not who you think she should be. Kudos to her for having the confidence to get out there and try, a lot of girls don't have that at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to let her have negative experiences. It's how she builds resilience.

This. And to me it’s the hardest part of parenting and so so important. Lots of studies that lack of resilience can lead to mental health issues later on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean this very, very kindly: you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I mean this very, very kindly: you need therapy.

NP. Stop. You're an idiot saying something like this.

It's perfectly normal for a parent to want to protect their child, esp. if the kid is anxious or not in the social "in crowd." This is nothing new. Since when does asking opinions about such a situation warrant "therapy"? It's how OP proceeds that is important.

And, ftr, you're a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to take a different line of inquiry here...

You say she's at a small private school, but you're really concerned she's going to be bullied by these other girls simply for trying out for a sports team.

I have a kid in public and a kid in private, so this truly isn't a private school bash, but...

why oh why is she still at that school? One of the huge benefits of a small private school is that kids can try new things that they may not be able to do at a big public school where the teams/leagues/clubs are more competitive. It should be *totally* fine for her to tryout, be terrible, not make the team, and move on with life without any social repercussions.

If her school is small enough that this clique of mean girls controls all the social dynamics, and that you're worried she needs to "fly under their radar" maybe you need to find her a better environment in general.

[Anonymous]

If try outs are at the end of the summer put her in some volleyball camps. Different travel clubs and even local universities will have them. If you are in the DMV area American U has a well regarded camp/clinic for high school players.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If try outs are at the end of the summer put her in some volleyball camps. Different travel clubs and even local universities will have them. If you are in the DMV area American U has a well regarded camp/clinic for high school players.

PP again. Also this summer get her into beach volleyball. There are rec and drop in leagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

Amen.

And maybe it sparks her interest and she can work on it over the next year or even have volleyball as a hobby sport. My HS daughter tried out for volleyball in a similar situation. She had never played before and we were really clueless about how competitive it would be. I paid for private lessons to get her skills up. She didn't make the team but she likes volleyball and is still playing in our local league. I don't consider that a failure in any way.

[Anonymous]

My kid goes to the same type of school your daughter does-small, cliquey, Christian-because the public schools in our area are really bad and we can't afford a different private. Our school doesn't do cuts so my kid was placed on the C team and was bullied to the point she was isolated from the rest of the grade and had to make friends with seventh graders (and now we are looking at other school options).

Is volleyball your kid's only interest or is does she have a hobby she is stronger at? I would not encourage having her tryout without any experience at all. At least have her try a volleyball camp from a volleyball club or university (not the YMCA). Does your school offer a volleyball training camp?

Be honest with her- if she doesn't do well there is a chance people might be mean to her but she has a better chance of making the team if she does some professional training. And if she still isn't decent after the camp tell her she probably won't make it but can try. If she doesn't make it encourage her to get involved in something she is already good at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

Very well put!

[Anonymous]

I understand where you’re coming from but I don’t think not making a team is embarrassing. Now, if your daughter was tone deaf and wanted to sing in front of the school for a talent show, that may be embarrassing and be a reason for ridicule. Not this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

Ditto--I'm dealing with the latter. If only my kid would just try out even if it meant rejection. Instead she refuses and lets all the opportunities pass her by. I love the fact that your kid has the confidence to try out. Who knows--she might make it! Maybe they're looking for a few newer players to coach.