Do I discourage and save her embarrassment?

[Anonymous]

This is a lot of projecting OP.

My son also tried out for MS basketball team and had zero chance. He didn't make it. Oh well. Reality check and on to the next. Your daughter can handle this. You sound like the one who can't handle it, which I empathize with completely but recognize the difference. No you don't discourage her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

Similar situation with my kid, op, and this is the advice my therapist gave. It’s so hard, but it’s the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

She is not you. You are not her. You don't know what things she will remember when she is 40. It won't be what you remember from when you were a kid. You can't protect her from having negative feelings and in fact attempting to do so will harm her.

[Anonymous]

Please, please let her try! And even fail. This is a life lesson.

She will face a lot of failure and rejection in life and she needs to learn to brush it off and move on. Just remember that Michael Jordan was put on JV after he tried out for varsity in high school.

Failure is NECESSARY for success -- not something to be avoided. You cannot protect her from it, nor should you want to since it will stunt her potential in life. If you are still traumatized by mean girls from your youth, you need to work on that -- but don't project your issues onto your daughter.

“Failure is success in progress.” – Albert Einstein

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my really short son try out for MS basketball. He played a bit pre pandemic, but nothing since and really wasn't prepared. I thought he might try out, so this summer I suggested a basketball clinic, but he wasn't interested then. So he really went in cold, and I think it was tough, but good for him to try out even though he didn't make it (obviously.)

It was a low stakes way for him to realize that he wasn't in elementary anymore and that he needs to up his effort if he wants to make teams/groups of any sort and also that there are some things outside his control that will affect his outcomes but that we will support him trying if he wants.

For your DD, will these girls hassle her in other school settings if she doesn't make the team? That would be the only reason to discourage this.

This is basically my situation! Thanks for sharing!

Yes, the sporty girls are MEAN at her school. Of course, the stories I hear are from her perspective. So far she’s been able to remain sort of invisible to them, cloistered away within her modest little friend group. I worry this will put her on their radar.

Low-key battling with bullies is part of growing up. (I don't mean full on bullying.) I'm the PP and my son did get hassled about his height at try outs but though I know he felt it he learned that these kids weren't nice and he didn't have to stay and be verbally harassed by them. He came out a little tougher. True that things could have taken a turn for the worse, but I don't want to encourage him to live his life bounded by a fear that may not materialize. I'm trying to learn too. I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my really short son try out for MS basketball. He played a bit pre pandemic, but nothing since and really wasn't prepared. I thought he might try out, so this summer I suggested a basketball clinic, but he wasn't interested then. So he really went in cold, and I think it was tough, but good for him to try out even though he didn't make it (obviously.)

It was a low stakes way for him to realize that he wasn't in elementary anymore and that he needs to up his effort if he wants to make teams/groups of any sort and also that there are some things outside his control that will affect his outcomes but that we will support him trying if he wants.

For your DD, will these girls hassle her in other school settings if she doesn't make the team? That would be the only reason to discourage this.

This is basically my situation! Thanks for sharing!

Yes, the sporty girls are MEAN at her school. Of course, the stories I hear are from her perspective. So far she’s been able to remain sort of invisible to them, cloistered away within her modest little friend group. I worry this will put her on their radar.

Low-key battling with bullies is part of growing up. (I don't mean full on bullying.) I'm the PP and my son did get hassled about his height at try outs but though I know he felt it he learned that these kids weren't nice and he didn't have to stay and be verbally harassed by them. He came out a little tougher. True that things could have taken a turn for the worse, but I don't want to encourage him to live his life bounded by a fear that may not materialize. I'm trying to learn too. I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you DD.

+1 But if there is a tolerated culture of meanness at this school I would wonder why you are paying for it?

[Anonymous]

My kid is at a small Christian private too a rising 6th and they have volleyball tryouts coming up. I don’t think at our school the kids are cliquey though. She seems to get on with most of the kids. Are they really cliquey or do you have a biased opinion of sporty kids? My DD wants to do basketball so that’s not til the Winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my really short son try out for MS basketball. He played a bit pre pandemic, but nothing since and really wasn't prepared. I thought he might try out, so this summer I suggested a basketball clinic, but he wasn't interested then. So he really went in cold, and I think it was tough, but good for him to try out even though he didn't make it (obviously.)

It was a low stakes way for him to realize that he wasn't in elementary anymore and that he needs to up his effort if he wants to make teams/groups of any sort and also that there are some things outside his control that will affect his outcomes but that we will support him trying if he wants.

For your DD, will these girls hassle her in other school settings if she doesn't make the team? That would be the only reason to discourage this.

This is basically my situation! Thanks for sharing!

Yes, the sporty girls are MEAN at her school. Of course, the stories I hear are from her perspective. So far she’s been able to remain sort of invisible to them, cloistered away within her modest little friend group. I worry this will put her on their radar.

Low-key battling with bullies is part of growing up. (I don't mean full on bullying.) I'm the PP and my son did get hassled about his height at try outs but though I know he felt it he learned that these kids weren't nice and he didn't have to stay and be verbally harassed by them. He came out a little tougher. True that things could have taken a turn for the worse, but I don't want to encourage him to live his life bounded by a fear that may not materialize. I'm trying to learn too. I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you DD.

+1 But if there is a tolerated culture of meanness at this school I would wonder why you are paying for it?

1000%. If it’s a bad environment why are you paying for the privilege and putting your kids into that situation?

[Anonymous]

No one wants to see their kid not make the team, but it's a good experience for her. I'd much rather support her and be there for her if she gets cut than see her give up and not even try.

My daughter decided to try out for volleyball in 8th grade. It was very competitive and she didn't make the team. She asked to play club volleyball during the winter so she could improve. She worked so hard to improve so she could try out for the high school team. Honestly, I didn't think she'd make the team (obviously I never said that to her), but she proved me wrong and made the freshman team.

Don't discourage her. She may surprise you.

[Anonymous]

If your DD doesn't make the team but still likes volleyball she can ask the coach if she can be team manager.

[Anonymous]

Ok to let her try, she is old enough to understand that not everyone will make the team and some girls have been playing for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not making the team will sting but feeling like mom doesn't believe she can handle tough challenges us way worse.

This. I've had disappointing tryouts and been cut from teams, but my parents always told me that if I tried then there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Trying out knowing your parents don't think you can make the team, and then not making it sounds so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Re-read your posts. You are putting your situation and feelings from years ago on to your dd. Don’t do this. You admit she wants to and she’s having fun. Any and all exercise/practice is good. Maybe she’ll make it, maybe she won’t. Let her learn by failing if she needs to. At our school a nice group of girls was cut from volleyball but they had all bonded over that and went as a group to field hockey (which had no cuts) and had a great season w/ a new group of friends

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t think middle school volleyball at small private school is that selective. Maybe some girls have experience but probably not as many as needed to fill a team. IMO middle school volleyball is made up of some girls that are really good and some that have never played.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

Plus 1