Do I discourage and save her embarrassment?

[Anonymous]

Rising middle school DD has never been into sports, and just isn’t coordinated in an athletic way in general. We did try pretty much all the typical sports on less competitive-type teams when she was younger, but nothing stuck. COVID happened and she sort of lost interest in sports all together.

Soon there will be volleyball tryouts at her small private school. All of the girls who will be trying out are “cliquey and popular” and already play on expensive travel teams. DD isnt, but is adamant she wants to try out. I don’t want her to be embarrassed if she doesn’t make the team. I can just picture how she will feel if she doesn’t, and I want to spare her that feeling. She thinks it’s all in fun, but our school is SUPER competitive at this level and I know she won’t make the team. She doesn’t know the first thing about the game, and the school is out to win.

What’s a mom to do?

[Anonymous]

You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

[Anonymous]

Let her try. Practice with her in the yard until tryouts

[Anonymous]

You have to let her have negative experiences. It's how she builds resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

[Anonymous]

I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her try. Practice with her in the yard until tryouts

We have been, but she just isn’t getting any better. Our neighbor who played in college has even tried to coach her to no avail.

[Anonymous]

Of course you let her do it. Not making the team should not be embarrassing and you don't even know that will be the result.

If she doesn't make it an is embarrassed, that's ok, too, you tell her that's a normal feeling, you praise her for being brave enough to try and for taking the rejection gracefully. You ask her if she's interested in trying again next year and what can she do between now and then to get better and how can you help her do that.

Just generally, do not give her the attitude that not likely to make it --> don't even bother to try.

What kind of lesson is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

I definitely agree. It’s just hard!

(I need to hear this. Thank you!)

[Anonymous]

I let my really short son try out for MS basketball. He played a bit pre pandemic, but nothing since and really wasn't prepared. I thought he might try out, so this summer I suggested a basketball clinic, but he wasn't interested then. So he really went in cold, and I think it was tough, but good for him to try out even though he didn't make it (obviously.)

It was a low stakes way for him to realize that he wasn't in elementary anymore and that he needs to up his effort if he wants to make teams/groups of any sort and also that there are some things outside his control that will affect his outcomes but that we will support him trying if he wants.

For your DD, will these girls hassle her in other school settings if she doesn't make the team? That would be the only reason to discourage this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her try. Practice with her in the yard until tryouts

We have been, but she just isn’t getting any better. Our neighbor who played in college has even tried to coach her to no avail.

My husband thought our kid would not make the team and he made it and was a starter. Many other kids made it and didn't play much (but seemed to enjoy experience). You don't know the result until the result is in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

I got cut from the 8th grade volleyball team. No one made fun of me. I was disappointed, but it’s had zero lasting repercussions and I feel completely neutral about it as an adult. Stop projecting your feelings onto your dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rising middle school DD has never been into sports, and just isn’t coordinated in an athletic way in general. We did try pretty much all the typical sports on less competitive-type teams when she was younger, but nothing stuck. COVID happened and she sort of lost interest in sports all together.

Soon there will be volleyball tryouts at her small private school. All of the girls who will be trying out are “cliquey and popular” and already play on expensive travel teams. DD isnt, but is adamant she wants to try out. I don’t want her to be embarrassed if she doesn’t make the team. I can just picture how she will feel if she doesn’t, and I want to spare her that feeling. She thinks it’s all in fun, but our school is SUPER competitive at this level and I know she won’t make the team. She doesn’t know the first thing about the game, and the school is out to win.

What’s a mom to do?

Meet her where she is and keep it light. Commiserate with her as she goes though this. Celebrate finishing even is she doesn't make it. That's life. It's a chance for you two to bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let my really short son try out for MS basketball. He played a bit pre pandemic, but nothing since and really wasn't prepared. I thought he might try out, so this summer I suggested a basketball clinic, but he wasn't interested then. So he really went in cold, and I think it was tough, but good for him to try out even though he didn't make it (obviously.)

It was a low stakes way for him to realize that he wasn't in elementary anymore and that he needs to up his effort if he wants to make teams/groups of any sort and also that there are some things outside his control that will affect his outcomes but that we will support him trying if he wants.

For your DD, will these girls hassle her in other school settings if she doesn't make the team? That would be the only reason to discourage this.

This is basically my situation! Thanks for sharing!

Yes, the sporty girls are MEAN at her school. Of course, the stories I hear are from her perspective. So far she’s been able to remain sort of invisible to them, cloistered away within her modest little friend group. I worry this will put her on their radar.

[Anonymous]

Not making the team will sting but feeling like mom doesn't believe she can handle tough challenges us way worse.