Do I discourage and save her embarrassment?

[Anonymous]

Atleast she will know that she’s not good at volleyball and will find another interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

THIS. Of course talk to her about how some of the girls trying out will be skilled, and probably intense. But absolutely encourage her to TRY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rising middle school DD has never been into sports, and just isn’t coordinated in an athletic way in general. We did try pretty much all the typical sports on less competitive-type teams when she was younger, but nothing stuck. COVID happened and she sort of lost interest in sports all together.

Soon there will be volleyball tryouts at her small private school. All of the girls who will be trying out are “cliquey and popular” and already play on expensive travel teams. DD isnt, but is adamant she wants to try out. I don’t want her to be embarrassed if she doesn’t make the team. I can just picture how she will feel if she doesn’t, and I want to spare her that feeling. She thinks it’s all in fun, but our school is SUPER competitive at this level and I know she won’t make the team. She doesn’t know the first thing about the game, and the school is out to win.

What’s a mom to do?

This is a ridiculous post, mom. You let her try. Is she a freshman? The freshman team is kids that are learning. I’ve coached for years and without divulging too much, we’re in similar shoes. Your kid might not make it, if she doesn’t, she won’t be the only one. However, she stands a very good chance of playing and will learn a lot. Pop her in some clinics thus summer…there are tons for all skill levels in this area.

I suspect she hadn’t done much with sports because she’s picking up your anxiety. All the girls are not “popular and cliquey.” Most of them know each other because they’ve been playing together for years…but most are very welcoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

THIS. Of course talk to her about how some of the girls trying out will be skilled, and probably intense. But absolutely encourage her to TRY.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

What would hurt more? Your MOM telling you that you're not good enough, or a coach/teacher/peer? Don't be your kid's bully, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

You’re a nut, OP. This is also the rationale I’ve heard from some parents who homeschool…and their kids are always the really weird ones. Let her try, and maybe even fail. It’s okay!

[Anonymous]

Get her a few private sessions with a coach ahead of tryouts. Have her practice to get a feel for whether she wants to do it. Be proud you raised someone that doesn’t give up before they even try. Let her do her best and see what happens.

If she doesn’t make it, figure out what she found attractive about the sport and see if there are other ways to fill the same desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her do it. She'll be rejected endlessly in life. Best to learn how to deal with it and build resilience while you're young.

I know you are right, but it hurts so much!

I faced rejection in school around her age and I’m 40 and it still stings like it was yesterday! Kids are so cruel. It just feels like I’m sending her into a battle she doesn’t need to fight.

She’s not even in Jr High! She needs to experience disappointment and negative outcomes now and learn resilience. Try listening to the podcast The Happiness Lab. The Yale professor who studies happiness says that lifelong happiness is not about never experiencing negative emotions, it’s about experiencing negative things and knowing how to recover. You are doing your child a disservice by protecting her that severely.
What would hurt more? Your MOM telling you that you're not good enough, or a coach/teacher/peer? Don't be your kid's bully, OP.

[Anonymous]

Let her tryout. My 5'4" Freshmen son attends a private HS where Freshmen can be 6'10" and already have college scouts sniffing around them. He plays a different primary sport (which he is very good at), but always had a true passion for basketball. He and his friends all still went out to the basketball tryouts and there were kids that had been scouted since elementary school. He actually made the first call back which he was so excited about, but was ultimately cut at the next one.

Let the kids do what they want and just be there with a shoulder to cry on if it comes to that, it may not. It rolled off my kids' back and he still likes cheering for the team. Ironically, he's grown many inches since last November.

I have sometimes underestimated my kids and held them back from something that they later proved me wrong at. I learned to let go. All of this is a great learning experience.

Let them fail.

[Anonymous]

Not an appropriate parent response.

1. Learn about activities. Do not carry 20 year old experiences and ideas forward. Take the time to figure things out. What is going on. What are options. What are likely requirements and expectations.
2. Kids change over time. My daughter had a soccer coach along the way who told us parents that the best kids at 9 are not the best at 13, and the ones who are good at 13 are not the best at 18. Why? Obvious really -- puberty and interest.
3. My kid is not athletic? Meaning what? Can they get into decent condition? Can they run 2 miles? No? Get them running - chart a course that is 2 miles start to finish and get her running/walking. Join her sometimes. Can she do 100 sit ups? No? 100 sit ups every day. Not 500, not 2 hours of weight training. 100 sit ups and 100 push ups. 2 miles of run/walk every day. No special equipment. No significant hours a day. In a month it will be easy. By the end of august it will be quick.

4. middle school volleyball sucks. No one is any good. So and so plays volleyball for xyz. So what? Volleyball is just getting started at 13. It makes it a good sport to start with as you are not way behind.

5. Pay the neighbor to help train. Set up 2 one hour sessions a week. Mostly she will need hitting form and service form. By August she will be reasonably competent - as good as kids with a season of 13 year old volleyball behind them.

Will she make the team? Maybe. Maybe you are at the one secret middle school where all future volleyball players go to debut. Doubtful

What you and your kid will learn this summer is that everything she does in terms of school participation from now on requires actual practice and some actual work. Those are good things to learn. Want to be in a school play? Can you sing, dance, act? Don't you think the kids who do that are likely going to show up for auditions? Get on it.

Talk to parents of kids in the high school. Who are they getting instruction from? What teams are they playing on? Stuff does not magically happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rising middle school DD has never been into sports, and just isn’t coordinated in an athletic way in general. We did try pretty much all the typical sports on less competitive-type teams when she was younger, but nothing stuck. COVID happened and she sort of lost interest in sports all together.

Soon there will be volleyball tryouts at her small private school. All of the girls who will be trying out are “cliquey and popular” and already play on expensive travel teams. DD isnt, but is adamant she wants to try out. I don’t want her to be embarrassed if she doesn’t make the team. I can just picture how she will feel if she doesn’t, and I want to spare her that feeling. She thinks it’s all in fun, but our school is SUPER competitive at this level and I know she won’t make the team. She doesn’t know the first thing about the game, and the school is out to win.

What’s a mom to do?

You tell her the other girls on the team have been training hard for years. But don't every let that stop you from trying.
And if she really wants to try again after she gets rejected, send her to volleyball camp and teach her about grit and hard work.

[Anonymous]

I thought a selling point of private school is that they make enough sports teams so every kid is captain of one of them.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely let her do it and try out. It's ok for your kid to fail and get rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather raise a girl who is confident enough to try things than one who squanders her life, trying nothing, for fear of potential embarrassment.

This. I avoided rejection but that means I avoided trying out for anything I wasn't certain I wouldn't get. I won't raise my girl like that. I will encourage (not force!) to try out things out of comfort level.

In the OP's case, the girl already wants to try out. I wouldn't discourage, I would support (as PP said practice if possible), and I would make comments about realistic expectations "how we should always try, sometime we might get it, but sometime we won't and that's ok" point to "growth mindset" poster (yes, i already have a couple of those)

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids that if they aren't getting ANY rejections it means they aren't taking enough risks.

In this case, I'd say--I think it's so awesome that you're trying out. I know lots of kids have spent time on travel teams and are super competitive, but there's really no time in life where it should be "too late" to take up an interest. I'd be happy to help you practice, watch some YouTube videos together, or explore other options for teams/play/coaching if this doesn't pan out for whatever reason.