People who still have both parents/1 parent just don't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's about knowing your audience. I lost my mom when I was a kid, and she was 44. I don't want to listen or even read social media posts from a friend, who's mom recently died at 90 -- and saying it was "too soon."

I acknowledge their pain and grief, but don't talk to me about it being "too soon." That's just rude, and I'm not the person you should be saying that too.

She wasn’t telling you how you should respond given your earlier loss, pp. She was expressing her feelings that it was too soon for HER to lose HER mom. It’s not rude to show your grief.

[Anonymous]

My father had a neuromuscular disease that sent him to a nursing home when I was 11. He died when I was 24. I’m 55 now. I missed out on a lot of stuff, and my children were born long after their grandpa died, so they’ll never know him except through the stories I tell. I still get sad about the loss, especially around milestones (like graduations) and on Father’s Day. But it doe not bother me when other people celebrate their relationship with their father. There is enough sadness in life. Let the joy emerge when and where it can.

I am sorry that you are still struggling to the degree you describe, OP. I do wonder if it signals some deeper mental health challenges that might be worth exploring with the help of a professional. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Last fall, my coworker and I were both struggling with our Dads very serious illnesses. My Dad passed. Hers recovered. I am actually really happy to hear about how well he is doing and the time they are able to enjoy. My Dads story was so frustrating dealing with hosptials and skilled nursing and bed sores. Her Dads recovery offers hope to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I think it just would not be on your friends’ radar that these things would be so offensive to you, especially after such a long time. Are they texting these things directly to you, or just posting on social media?

OP here. It's my SIL (husband's sister) who posts and texts pictures of MIL, or herself with MIL. She mainly posts on her social media and occasionally sends pictures directly to me. She and MIL are very close.

Friends and acquaintances do not text pictures, they just mention the happy occasions with their parents. I know they're not doing this to gloat. I am happy for them but I always feel sad afterwards.

Have you been to therapy? I found it helpful to process things after my dad died. I would also stop following your SIL on social media. is she directly sending you texts of her with her mom or are these group chats? It seems strange to me that she would directly send you texts like this, but everyone is different.

if it makes you feel better, my only living parent has Alzheimer's, which in many ways is worse than having a dead parent. When I see people with healthy parents the same age as my mom, it stings but only for a second. Honestly you just have to accept that it is impossible for people to understand what it is like to lose a parent until they have been there - just like with many of life's traumas.

[Anonymous]

I think there's unresolved resentment at your parents' early deaths. You're angry at your friends and family for having normal happy moments bc you can't take your anger out on your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t you posted this about this before?

Yes she has - so specific.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1107220.page

OP - we don’t have any new advice. It’s been 30 years. Please go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I think it just would not be on your friends’ radar that these things would be so offensive to you, especially after such a long time. Are they texting these things directly to you, or just posting on social media?

OP here. It's my SIL (husband's sister) who posts and texts pictures of MIL, or herself with MIL. She mainly posts on her social media and occasionally sends pictures directly to me. She and MIL are very close.

Friends and acquaintances do not text pictures, they just mention the happy occasions with their parents. I know they're not doing this to gloat. I am happy for them but I always feel sad afterwards.

Friends are allowed to live their lives, which include posting on social media about normal family interactions or mentioning that they saw a parent over the weekend. It would not occur to anyone that you are still feeling this triggered 30 years later. I may refrain from mentioning my parents to a friend who lost a parent recently - but not years later.

People are mentioning what seem like normal day to day events to them. Your grief and jealousy are abnormal. Please seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 55 years old. My mom died in 1999, aged 51. My dad died in 2008, aged 64.

I have gotten used to the fact that my parents are no longer around, but I still struggle nonetheless.

Some people - mainly female friends and acquaintances - who still have both parents, or 1 parent, will happily tell me about all the nice things they do with their parent, especially their mother.
Celebrating milestones, Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter, outings, lunches, vacations, etc.
While I am happy for them, it still stings, even after all these years.

SIL will happily send me pictures of her and MIL on a day out while they're having coffee and cake, with gushing commentary.
That's great, but SIL also knows that I am still struggling with my parents' premature deaths. I usually delete the pictures she sends and I don't reply, I know that's petty.

I think people who stilll have parents/1 parent don't really get it.

How do I detach? How do I make it sting less?
I don't have siblings, sometimes the world feels like a very lonely place.
(I do have a husband who is very supportive, but no kids).

My beloved sister died prematurely when I was 50 and she was 60. I have never had anyone ever act “sensitive” to me vis-à-vis their siblings. That’s just not how it works OP. If you lost your husband or a child – that’s one thing, but…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

I think the main reason why I'm still struggling with the loss of my parents is that there was never a proper 'goodbye'.

My mom died only 7 months after her cancer diagnosis. She never felt able to talk about her terminal illness with me and my dad. She could talk about mundane things like the weather but not about her cancer.

My mom did have a private conversation with a priest 2 weeks before her death. In a way I feel glad that she did talk to someone.

Dad died of sepsis after 3 years of illness and a weakened immune system. Sepsis takes hold of the body very quickly.
With both deaths there was no opportunity for me to say goodbye and talk to them, there was no real closure.

You need professional help at this point as you are not able to move on and it impacts your day to day life.

It’s been a long time and the no proper good bye is not the issue this far out past their deaths. It would be one thing if the grief was every now and then but for you to is consuming and even seeing pictures of other people have a good time with their parents upsets you. At this point in time, your reaction is not normal. Please get help so that you could move on.

Both of my parents have now been dead for +12 yrs and they both died suddenly . Both died from heart attacks out of the blue - my father first and my mother about 6 years after him. They were both relatively young. There was no chance to say good bye and yes that hurt and causes more grief but over the year or two after their death that feeling subsided. I don’t feel upset or mad when people tell me about plans with their parents or show me pictures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think struggling with having no parents after about age 30 and outside of the normal grieving times is a sign of immaturity.
So it may not be your friends who don’t get it; it may be that they are at a different stage of their emotional maturity…
If you didn’t have kids by choice it may be part of it too.
I think people usually kind of move on from being a child to being a parent but some don’t I guess

+1 I agree. A big part of this OP is that you don’t have kids. People with children naturally look forward more than people who don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

I think the main reason why I'm still struggling with the loss of my parents is that there was never a proper 'goodbye'.

My mom died only 7 months after her cancer diagnosis. She never felt able to talk about her terminal illness with me and my dad. She could talk about mundane things like the weather but not about her cancer.

My mom did have a private conversation with a priest 2 weeks before her death. In a way I feel glad that she did talk to someone.

Dad died of sepsis after 3 years of illness and a weakened immune system. Sepsis takes hold of the body very quickly.
With both deaths there was no opportunity for me to say goodbye and talk to them, there was no real closure.

There rarely is a proper goodbye, unfortunately.

Please seek professional help to process your feelings.

You’re looking for a unicorn. You need to grow up or read some philosophy or get religion. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I really hope you get professional help - you seem stuck. It really would help, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think struggling with having no parents after about age 30 and outside of the normal grieving times is a sign of immaturity.
So it may not be your friends who don’t get it; it may be that they are at a different stage of their emotional maturity…
If you didn’t have kids by choice it may be part of it too.
I think people usually kind of move on from being a child to being a parent but some don’t I guess

+1 I agree. A big part of this OP is that you don’t have kids. People with children naturally look forward more than people who don’t.

I think experiencing both ends of the spectrum (being your parents’ child and your child’s parent) helps you appreciate the cycle of life and gives you perspective on your position within that cycle. Even if having a child doesn’t give you any particular insights, if nothing else, it preoccupies you with concerns over someone else’s wellbeing, which diverts a fair amount of your mental and emotional energy away from your own wounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think struggling with having no parents after about age 30 and outside of the normal grieving times is a sign of immaturity.
So it may not be your friends who don’t get it; it may be that they are at a different stage of their emotional maturity…
If you didn’t have kids by choice it may be part of it too.
I think people usually kind of move on from being a child to being a parent but some don’t I guess

+1 I agree. A big part of this OP is that you don’t have kids. People with children naturally look forward more than people who don’t.

I think experiencing both ends of the spectrum (being your parents’ child and your child’s parent) helps you appreciate the cycle of life and gives you perspective on your position within that cycle. Even if having a child doesn’t give you any particular insights, if nothing else, it preoccupies you with concerns over someone else’s wellbeing, which diverts a fair amount of your mental and emotional energy away from your own wounds.

This is an incredibly kind and gentle way of saying get over it ,OP. It was 20 years ago.

I would add:,So many people have suffered through things so much worse.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry OP and this sounds incredibly difficult. I have one living parent and one deceased parent, but please don't assume all people with living parents are doing all these fun things with them on which you are missing out.

My living parent only contacts me when she wants money or a favor. She spends absolutely no time with me or my children, and we barely have any relationship. She is however obsessed with my sister and her kids so it's not like she's this way with all people. Just us. It really hurts for which I am in therapy.

The grass isn't always greener. I too get envious of people with functioning, pleasant relationships with their parents. It sucks.