People who still have both parents/1 parent just don't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out.

Hie thee to therapy today, not tomorrow!

These comments give the impression that your resentment is also rooted in not having siblings and feeling lonely compared to other, in your view, more fortunate coevals. The jealousy that suffuses this and your previous thread makes me feel sad for you. It is piercing.

OP here. I'm not sure if it's 'resentment' at not having siblings. I had a great childhood and great parents, and I managed fine without siblings. I never 'missed' siblings. As a child and a teenager I always had friends so I wasn't feeling lonely then.

It's just that being an only child and trying to take care of a parent whose health is in decline from afar for 3 years is hard (we lived 6 hours away). And when my remaining parent died (my father), yes I felt lonely.

I don't think my cousins can imagine their life without parents, all of my cousins - except 1 - still have both parents.

Any resentment I felt was not so much because my cousins still had two living parents but the fact that I got zero emotional support from cousins after my remaining parent died. No one got in touch afterwards, no one ever asked how I was doing. Aunts and uncles didn't ask either. They came to the funeral and that was that.

I try and maintain a good relationship with my aunts, uncles and cousins from afar but it's not the same.

I’m so sorry. I think your extended family has let you down. I can’t imagine not inviting my niece for holidays under similar circumstances. PP are right; you have a lot to unpack and a therapist could help you untangle these thorny issues.

OP again. You mention the holidays. Not a single aunt or uncle (or cousin) on both sides of my family have ever invited DH and I for the holidays since my remaining parent died in 2008 ...
I have hinted a couple of times in texts that I would love to see them over the holidays, but alas....
They invite their nearest and dearest, but not us ...
So we spend the holidays with DH's family or at home, just the two of us.

I don't know if it has anything to do with geography as all my aunts and uncles and most of my cousins (not all) still live in or close to my hometown and I moved away. We live 6 hours away so could easily drive there in a day.

[Anonymous]

Let go of the holiday hope. Drive to see them. Make the effort, push if you have to, to see them some other time. My guess though ~ this is not all that you would hope it would be. Probably having nothing to do with your special circumstance ... if the relationship isn't there, organically, it's just isn't there. And plenty of people have that extended family situation WITH parents living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's unresolved resentment at your parents' early deaths. You're angry at your friends and family for having normal happy moments bc you can't take your anger out on your parents.

This is OP here. Your description is accurate. It's unresolved anger and an intense feeling of unfairness to lose not one, but both parents prematurely.

When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out. Having no siblings didn't help either. The only person I could really talk to was - and still is - my husband.

All these years I've been trying to avoid triggers. I know what my triggers are. I don't get triggered by everything and everyone, it's just certain people and situations.
I don't think about my parents 24/7.

I function well in other aspects of my life, I think. I have an interesting and fulfilling job I enjoy, a loving husband, a nice house and some hobbies. I try to keep busy to stop my mind wandering.

I may even try therapy, as many of you here have suggested, I just don't know what to expect of it.

To OP: this is not good enough. you seem to be wallowing in your misery. I understand that what happened to you was unfair and deeply painful but it doesn't seem you've made any real effort to heal. Some previous posters have pointed out you've discussed this issue on different threads in the past. Many have suggested therapy as a way to seek healing and a better sense of well-being but you're saying you may try it? Have you tried it before and it didn't help you? Why do you prefer to continue to bring this up on this board? Even in this thread you continue to respond to posters by adding various points to your story that highlight your pain. What is your end goal? A good therapist can help you but you have to want to get the help. What you're doing isn't healthy. Raising your issue over and over on this board isn't going to help you unless what you're looking for is sympathy.

[Anonymous]

OP I have parents who abused and neglected me and while they are still minimally in my life, I also feel sad and envious when people tell me all about their close, affectionate relationships with their parents. If I knew you, we could hang out and I’d never brag about the quality time I spend with my parents and you wouldn’t either and it would be a relief to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the holiday hope. Drive to see them. Make the effort, push if you have to, to see them some other time. My guess though ~ this is not all that you would hope it would be. Probably having nothing to do with your special circumstance ... if the relationship isn't there, organically, it's just isn't there. And plenty of people have that extended family situation WITH parents living.

This. My DH and I both have living parents and they don’t invite us fir holidays or come to see us. And we have kids. They just aren’t interested. It is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the holiday hope. Drive to see them. Make the effort, push if you have to, to see them some other time. My guess though ~ this is not all that you would hope it would be. Probably having nothing to do with your special circumstance ... if the relationship isn't there, organically, it's just isn't there. And plenty of people have that extended family situation WITH parents living.

This. My DH and I both have living parents and they don’t invite us fir holidays or come to see us. And we have kids. They just aren’t interested. It is sad.

NP - same. DH and I have to do all the work if we want our parents to attend for the holidays, with the exception of mom. But she’s often preoccupied by caring for my niece, because my sister is very dysfunctional. The extended cousins I grew up with and who are still local ditched us for the holidays due to my sister’s drinking, so that’s out. My MIL has no interest in our kids now that they’re no longer toddlers fawning over her. Sucks, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Since it was so long ago, yet you are still wounded by normal social sharing, I suggest you try therapy.

You have unresolved issues. (Of course it is normal to miss your parents, but I don’t think the stories you recount should be so painful at this stage. And I say that as someone who has also list both parents)

I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Therapy would be a wonderful way to get through some of this, OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. I just trudge on. Some days the loneliness is stifling. My only brother died on top of it, so I feel like I have no one on earth with my blood. I feel like I do not belong anywhere. Holidays suck. I had given up on them completely and then spent Easter with cousins and had a great time. I finally felt like someone knew me and I belonged to someone. It sucks but you just have to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been in your shoes, OP...It is better to have loved and lost parents you respect than...to have parents you can't stand.

Yup. Read about people who hate their parents. They are everywhere. Check out this and "adult children" forum. These people can't believe that their fuxing parents are still fuxing alive.

[Anonymous]

This is a selfish culture. You are bound to feel alone and sad.

Everyone's grandparents, parents and family members die. But if you are socialized into being kind, collaborative, hospitable to all, you will have friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a selfish culture. You are bound to feel alone and sad.

Everyone's grandparents, parents and family members die. But if you are socialized into being kind, collaborative, hospitable to all, you will have friends.

Please explain 'selfish culture'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. I just trudge on. Some days the loneliness is stifling. My only brother died on top of it, so I feel like I have no one on earth with my blood. I feel like I do not belong anywhere. Holidays suck. I had given up on them completely and then spent Easter with cousins and had a great time. I finally felt like someone knew me and I belonged to someone. It sucks but you just have to move on.

Same - almost exact. I think people are selfish animals, in general, OP. I have been at a table full of friends who went on about their parents for what seemed like forever. They kind of stopped and looked at me, since I had nothing to contribute, and they noticed. Cousins and family you grew up with definitely help, but we will always miss our parents who died too early. Always. Holidays, celebrations, traditions and other things you grew up doing with your parents - will never be the same. That is a big concept, do not expect people who have not been through it to understand. Most of my friends' parents live close, and they see them often. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, your parents would want you to find happiness with those who remain. Your DH and SIL and MIL sound like caring, open people. Let them be your family in this life. Your parents would want that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, your parents would want you to find happiness with those who remain. Your DH and SIL and MIL sound like caring, open people.Let them be your family in this life. Your parents would want that for you.

If they were caring people, they would include OP in these happy get togethers. OP is her daughter in law, too!