People who still have both parents/1 parent just don't get it

[Anonymous]

I am 55 years old. My mom died in 1999, aged 51. My dad died in 2008, aged 64.

I have gotten used to the fact that my parents are no longer around, but I still struggle nonetheless.

Some people - mainly female friends and acquaintances - who still have both parents, or 1 parent, will happily tell me about all the nice things they do with their parent, especially their mother.
Celebrating milestones, Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter, outings, lunches, vacations, etc.
While I am happy for them, it still stings, even after all these years.

SIL will happily send me pictures of her and MIL on a day out while they're having coffee and cake, with gushing commentary.
That's great, but SIL also knows that I am still struggling with my parents' premature deaths. I usually delete the pictures she sends and I don't reply, I know that's petty.

I think people who stilll have parents/1 parent don't really get it.

How do I detach? How do I make it sting less?
I don't have siblings, sometimes the world feels like a very lonely place.
(I do have a husband who is very supportive, but no kids).

[Anonymous]

Maybe connect with introverted people who don't share as much? My parents are alive and beloved, but they live abroad and I certainly don't share much about them! Same for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Having been in your shoes, OP...It is better to have loved and lost parents you respect than...to have parents you can't stand.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I think it just would not be on your friends’ radar that these things would be so offensive to you, especially after such a long time. Are they texting these things directly to you, or just posting on social media?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry for your loss. My mom is still living, but my dad died last year and this is my first spring/summer without him. The loss is acute and I empathize with your pain.

Is it possible that your friends do not know that it stings to receive these kinds of photos? How often does this happen? For example, people tend to post more family stuff around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and there may be more of this kind of pain then for you in that area as well as not having your own parent at that time. It seems unlikely that your friends are sending you pictures to gloat, but if they are upsetting, it is fine to ask not to receive them anymore. If it’s more posts on social media, it might be good to decrease your own engagement there, particularly around parent-centric holidays.

[Anonymous]

I think you can be happy for your friends and their experiences with living parents while still being sad about your own losses. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I say this as someone who experienced similar loss as you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.

But I think you're being a bit too hard on people. Your parents did die prematurely, and that is so sad and difficult for you. Obviously, you'll carry those losses forever. But expecting people to not mention fun things they do with their parents, 15 years later, seems unreasonable.

I went through this with my husband after he lost his mother. I really avoided saying much about my mother for awhile (positive or negative, although honestly the negative stuff made me feel worst, like how dare I complain about my mother being annoying when his mother died) and then it started to feel like I was hiding emotional things from him, which didn't seem like the path to intimacy. So I asked him about it, and he assured me it was fine to talk about my mom, and he wanted to hear what was going on with me, even if it was that my mom was being annoying.

You say you're lonely - putting up barriers with the people you do have (like you SIL and your friends) doesn't seem like the path towards intimacy.

I think if this is still bothering you so much after all these years, where you still feel like you're struggling, and people being happy with their mother's still stings, I think you might want to consider getting some help. A grief support group? Some counseling? Obviously, grief isn't a light switch, and you'll still feel this pain, but it sounds like it's still impacting your life and your relationships on a regular basis. It might be time to take your question about how to detach and bring it to a professional.

Again, I'm sorry you had such a short time with your parents. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I think it just would not be on your friends’ radar that these things would be so offensive to you, especially after such a long time. Are they texting these things directly to you, or just posting on social media?

OP here. It's my SIL (husband's sister) who posts and texts pictures of MIL, or herself with MIL. She mainly posts on her social media and occasionally sends pictures directly to me. She and MIL are very close.

Friends and acquaintances do not text pictures, they just mention the happy occasions with their parents. I know they're not doing this to gloat. I am happy for them but I always feel sad afterwards.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op. I lost my mom in 1986 and my dad in 2013. I had a really hard time for years after I lost my mom. I was only 18 at the time and I was very stuck in my grief for ages. I felt very similarly to you for decades.

I will say that I saw a therapist and she really helped me work through it. One of the things she taught me about grief is that the only way past it is through it. You have to feel it in order to move past it to the phase of acceptance. I say this with love and compassion as someone who’s been there, but I think you may still be stuck in the actively grieving phase.

Therapy can help, rituals can help, making art can help. Those are the things that helped me. I still miss my parents and am sad about what I’ve missed and what they missed in my life, but I’ve accepted that it is what it is. I also have a faith practice where I truly believe I will see them again, and that comforts me.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you find healing ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

You still struggling is not their problem. They don't need to tip -toe around your triggers. Adjust your exposure to things that make you sad and look for ways to be special to other people who could use your love/support.

[Anonymous]

Have you told them you feel uncomfortable about it? I have two friend who lost their mothers as teens and I am very close with my mother so naturally she comes up in conversations about holidays and life experiences. I am always worried I'm making them uncomfortable about it but one time when I was talking about something and stumbled a bit when my mom came up one of my friends proactively told me she liked hearing about my experiences though of course it's a bit bittersweet. I would definitely edit more carefully if they told me it just straight up made them sad. But it's hard to know what people want and feel if they don't tell you.

[Anonymous]

I think struggling with having no parents after about age 30 and outside of the normal grieving times is a sign of immaturity.
So it may not be your friends who don’t get it; it may be that they are at a different stage of their emotional maturity…
If you didn’t have kids by choice it may be part of it too.
I think people usually kind of move on from being a child to being a parent but some don’t I guess

[Anonymous]

Haven’t you posted this about this before?