People who still have both parents/1 parent just don't get it

[Anonymous]

I lost one parent as a child. You never get over it.

The flip side of losing parents too soon is not being burdened with their care. I have at least six friends struggling with this now. Things like mom with Alzheimer’s, has become mean and requires full-time care, there’s a waiting list for all the memory care homes so friend is dealing with mom 24/7 until a space becomes available. Another friend’s mom was in a facility but broke her leg, requiring surgery, had to move to rehab facility, moved back to regular facility only to fall again. Friend has missed significant time and work and spends crazy amount of time dealing with her mother’s care. They’re spending something like $12k a month on her home. She’s so stressed all the time.

Losing a parent too early is awful but having to care for them for years is horrible too. I just hope I go before being a burden on my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost one parent as a child. You never get over it.

The flip side of losing parents too soon is not being burdened with their care. I have at least six friends struggling with this now. Things like mom with Alzheimer’s, has become mean and requires full-time care, there’s a waiting list for all the memory care homes so friend is dealing with mom 24/7 until a space becomes available. Another friend’s mom was in a facility but broke her leg, requiring surgery, had to move to rehab facility, moved back to regular facility only to fall again. Friend has missed significant time and work and spends crazy amount of time dealing with her mother’s care. They’re spending something like $12k a month on her home. She’s so stressed all the time.

Losing a parent too early is awful but having to care for them for years is horrible too. I just hope I go before being a burden on my kids.

This is so true. Dealing with the sandwich stuff now one parent passes, next one's rapid decline with some scoops of mean, combative and paranoid to top it off. OP my mom hasd become downright abusive with her decline. Sometimes I admit it is hard for me to listen to people's stories of moms who are aging with grace and who are loving, but I let that feeling pass and then I truly am glad to hear there are people aging like that. I can be happy for my friends. I don't let my bitterness win. One of my kids has special needs. People brag to me all the time about their kids superstar accomplishments. Before I came to terms with things it upset me and I tried to hide it. Now I accept I am on a different path and I can be happy for these people and I hope their kids will make positive changes in the world.

My biggest issue seems to be with BS and I think it's because I too was guilty of it. It took me a while to admit to myself my mom had become abusive and really had these tendencies to be like this my whole life, but with good qualities and some awareness mixed in. So I too would say my mom is my best friend and while I was not a social media person I talked about her glowingly. I think some of it was trying to convince myself. A friend of mine had a downright abusive mom and she was the one posting all over social media dedications to mom on her birthday and Mother's day. So now I see people doing that and I always wonder if they are stuck in the same insanity we were. I am happily married-truly and I brag to nobody. I put it here to say at least for me, when something truly is good, I don't need to send out a announcement on IG or press release. I don't want to make anyone feel bad because I know sadness and darkness.

Not sure where I am going at this point except to say if people are genuinely missing a parent or loving a parent then I am there for them feeling sympathy or enjoying their happiness. It doesn't take away from my own happiness, sadness or loss unless I let it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's about knowing your audience. I lost my mom when I was a kid, and she was 44. I don't want to listen or even read social media posts from a friend, who's mom recently died at 90 -- and saying it was "too soon."

I acknowledge their pain and grief, but don't talk to me about it being "too soon." That's just rude, and I'm not the person you should be saying that too.

They're not being rude. It is very selfish of you to not understand that our parents deaths hurt us. You don't get a cookie for losing a parent earlier. My father died way too young and I just lost a relative who was in her 90s. I'm reeling from the last death. People like you and op who WANT to be mad at someone because you feel pain stop a lot of us from ever speaking and getting support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I think it just would not be on your friends’ radar that these things would be so offensive to you, especially after such a long time. Are they texting these things directly to you, or just posting on social media?

OP here. It's my SIL (husband's sister) who posts and texts pictures of MIL, or herself with MIL. She mainly posts on her social media and occasionally sends pictures directly to me. She and MIL are very close.

Friends and acquaintances do not text pictures, they just mention the happy occasions with their parents. I know they're not doing this to gloat. I am happy for them but I always feel sad afterwards.

Friends are allowed to live their lives, which include posting on social media about normal family interactions or mentioning that they saw a parent over the weekend. It would not occur to anyone that you are still feeling this triggered 30 years later. I may refrain from mentioning my parents to a friend who lost a parent recently - but not years later.

People are mentioning what seem like normal day to day events to them. Your grief and jealousy are abnormal. Please seek help.

It doesn't even matter that op is complaining about this when her parent died 30 years ago. Honestly op is a type. She would seek therapy if she really wanted help but instead she wants us to hate on her sil who dares to live her life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like grief therapy would be helpful.

I'm sorry you lost your parents young. That must've been very hard.

But it's unreasonable for you to expect other people shouldn't talk or post about their parents. It seems like your grief is being displaced and finding a good therapist would be the first step in helping you work through this in a more positive way.

[Anonymous]

I think many, if not most, people are orphans by their mid-50s. And the others have the burden of dealing with elderly and infirm parents who can be very challenging.

All of which is to say that you got dealt a bad hand, OP, but others have it worse. There is no point in dwelling on how you have been wronged, you have to make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sure hope you don’t think anyone was suggesting that you have a child as a way to distract you from your grief over your parents. I do think that getting out of your own head a bit and focusing a little less inward would be good for you. If you’re not open to therapy (which is a shame because it can be extremely beneficial), then at least find something that stimulates your interest and keeps you busy. A new hobby, charitable work, a side hustle.

Pain, sadness and anger stand out in our minds in a way that neutral and even pleasant experiences do not. It’s hard to do sometimes, but force yourself to focus on the blessings in your life, the things that turned out better than you expected, the ways you are lucky. When I lost my dad, he was still leading a vigorous life and had lots of plans for the future. It felt too soon. Ultimately though, I’d rather have him as my dad for a shorter amount of time than a lesser dad for 95 years.

You’ll always grieve to some extent, but I hope you find some peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's unresolved resentment at your parents' early deaths. You're angry at your friends and family for having normal happy moments bc you can't take your anger out on your parents.

This is OP here. Your description is accurate. It's unresolved anger and an intense feeling of unfairness to lose not one, but both parents prematurely.

When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out. Having no siblings didn't help either. The only person I could really talk to was - and still is - my husband.

All these years I've been trying to avoid triggers. I know what my triggers are. I don't get triggered by everything and everyone, it's just certain people and situations.
I don't think about my parents 24/7.

I function well in other aspects of my life, I think. I have an interesting and fulfilling job I enjoy, a loving husband, a nice house and some hobbies. I try to keep busy to stop my mind wandering.

I may even try therapy, as many of you here have suggested, I just don't know what to expect of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's unresolved resentment at your parents' early deaths. You're angry at your friends and family for having normal happy moments bc you can't take your anger out on your parents.

This is OP here. Your description is accurate. It's unresolved anger and an intense feeling of unfairness to lose not one, but both parents prematurely.

When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out. Having no siblings didn't help either. The only person I could really talk to was - and still is - my husband.

All these years I've been trying to avoid triggers. I know what my triggers are. I don't get triggered by everything and everyone, it's just certain people and situations.
I don't think about my parents 24/7.

I function well in other aspects of my life, I think. I have an interesting and fulfilling job I enjoy, a loving husband, a nice house and some hobbies. I try to keep busy to stop my mind wandering.

I may even try therapy, as many of you here have suggested, I just don't know what to expect of it.

Gently, I suspect you have more to unpack than you realize, and therapy is exactly what you need. Also, if you don't click with your first therapist, please don't give up and try it again with another. This is not a one size fits all situation. You need to find someone who is right for your mindset and needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's unresolved resentment at your parents' early deaths. You're angry at your friends and family for having normal happy moments bc you can't take your anger out on your parents.

This is OP here. Your description is accurate. It's unresolved anger and an intense feeling of unfairness to lose not one, but both parents prematurely.

When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out. Having no siblings didn't help either. The only person I could really talk to was - and still is - my husband.

All these years I've been trying to avoid triggers. I know what my triggers are. I don't get triggered by everything and everyone, it's just certain people and situations.
I don't think about my parents 24/7.

I function well in other aspects of my life, I think. I have an interesting and fulfilling job I enjoy, a loving husband, a nice house and some hobbies. I try to keep busy to stop my mind wandering.

I may even try therapy, as many of you here have suggested, I just don't know what to expect of it.

It's not really about fixing you. Therapy can really, truly help you deal with pain.

[Anonymous]

When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out.

Hie thee to therapy today, not tomorrow!

These comments give the impression that your resentment is also rooted in not having siblings and feeling lonely compared to other, in your view, more fortunate coevals. The jealousy that suffuses this and your previous thread makes me feel sad for you. It is piercing.

[Anonymous]

Why not get off of social media?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out.

Hie thee to therapy today, not tomorrow!

These comments give the impression that your resentment is also rooted in not having siblings and feeling lonely compared to other, in your view, more fortunate coevals. The jealousy that suffuses this and your previous thread makes me feel sad for you. It is piercing.

OP here. I'm not sure if it's 'resentment' at not having siblings. I had a great childhood and great parents, and I managed fine without siblings. I never 'missed' siblings. As a child and a teenager I always had friends so I wasn't feeling lonely then.

It's just that being an only child and trying to take care of a parent whose health is in decline from afar for 3 years is hard (we lived 6 hours away). And when my remaining parent died (my father), yes I felt lonely.

I don't think my cousins can imagine their life without parents, all of my cousins - except 1 - still have both parents.

Any resentment I felt was not so much because my cousins still had two living parents but the fact that I got zero emotional support from cousins after my remaining parent died. No one got in touch afterwards, no one ever asked how I was doing. Aunts and uncles didn't ask either. They came to the funeral and that was that.

I try and maintain a good relationship with my aunts, uncles and cousins from afar but it's not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out.

Hie thee to therapy today, not tomorrow!

These comments give the impression that your resentment is also rooted in not having siblings and feeling lonely compared to other, in your view, more fortunate coevals. The jealousy that suffuses this and your previous thread makes me feel sad for you. It is piercing.

OP here. I'm not sure if it's 'resentment' at not having siblings. I had a great childhood and great parents, and I managed fine without siblings. I never 'missed' siblings. As a child and a teenager I always had friends so I wasn't feeling lonely then.

It's just that being an only child and trying to take care of a parent whose health is in decline from afar for 3 years is hard (we lived 6 hours away). And when my remaining parent died (my father), yes I felt lonely.

I don't think my cousins can imagine their life without parents, all of my cousins - except 1 - still have both parents.

Any resentment I felt was not so much because my cousins still had two living parents but the fact that I got zero emotional support from cousins after my remaining parent died. No one got in touch afterwards, no one ever asked how I was doing. Aunts and uncles didn't ask either. They came to the funeral and that was that.

I try and maintain a good relationship with my aunts, uncles and cousins from afar but it's not the same.

I’m so sorry. I think your extended family has let you down. I can’t imagine not inviting my niece for holidays under similar circumstances. PP are right; you have a lot to unpack and a therapist could help you untangle these thorny issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother died, I was the only one of all the cousins in my mother's family who no longer had a mom. After my father died I was the only cousin on both sides of the family who had lost both parents. All my cousins in all the family still had both parents. I felt like the odd one out.

Hie thee to therapy today, not tomorrow!

These comments give the impression that your resentment is also rooted in not having siblings and feeling lonely compared to other, in your view, more fortunate coevals. The jealousy that suffuses this and your previous thread makes me feel sad for you. It is piercing.

OP here. I'm not sure if it's 'resentment' at not having siblings. I had a great childhood and great parents, and I managed fine without siblings. I never 'missed' siblings. As a child and a teenager I always had friends so I wasn't feeling lonely then.

It's just that being an only child and trying to take care of a parent whose health is in decline from afar for 3 years is hard (we lived 6 hours away). And when my remaining parent died (my father), yes I felt lonely.

I don't think my cousins can imagine their life without parents, all of my cousins - except 1 - still have both parents.

Any resentment I felt was not so much because my cousins still had two living parents but the fact that I got zero emotional support from cousins after my remaining parent died. No one got in touch afterwards, no one ever asked how I was doing. Aunts and uncles didn't ask either. They came to the funeral and that was that.

I try and maintain a good relationship with my aunts, uncles and cousins from afar but it's not the same.

At least they attended the funeral. Many people don't even make the time to do that because they are busy with work and family responsibilities.