People who still have both parents/1 parent just don't get it

[Anonymous]

I remember you posting about this before, OP. Many people misread and thought you were just losing your parent now, at 55 although you said that's your current age.

I'm sorry for your loss and the heartbreak you still feel.

[Anonymous]

I have both parents at almost 90, almost completely disabled, still insisting on living on their own 3000 miles away. Broke, won’t listen to reason, family member living off them which is why they are broke.

Want to adopt them?

[Anonymous]

OP, you worry me. You will always miss your parents, but your repeated posts and your inability to move on make it clear that regardless of whether you were raised to accept it, you really, really need professional help.

I'm concerned that you will take that as an insult, and I don't mean it as one. I just mean that you are clearly having a hard time and have been having a hard time for a long time. Some people can fix that themselves, and some people can't. You can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

I think the main reason why I'm still struggling with the loss of my parents is that there was never a proper 'goodbye'.

My mom died only 7 months after her cancer diagnosis. She never felt able to talk about her terminal illness with me and my dad. She could talk about mundane things like the weather but not about her cancer.

My mom did have a private conversation with a priest 2 weeks before her death. In a way I feel glad that she did talk to someone.

Dad died of sepsis after 3 years of illness and a weakened immune system. Sepsis takes hold of the body very quickly.
With both deaths there was no opportunity for me to say goodbye and talk to them, there was no real closure.

[Anonymous]

Other people don’t get what you’re going through because you feel an unusual degree of loss, not because they haven’t experienced the loss of a parent. I say this having lost both parents suddenly, one to suicide. I don’t think you can change the world around you because your friends and family are not behaving in notably callous or unusual ways. They are just living their lives. All you can try to change is how you experience your loss. I agree that therapy is at least worth a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have both parents at almost 90, almost completely disabled, still insisting on living on their own 3000 miles away. Broke, won’t listen to reason, family member living off them which is why they are broke.

Want to adopt them?

I wrote his and want to amend. OP, I truly am sorry for your losses, truly. I guess I’m trying to tell you that some of us haven’t experienced your loss but are dealing with painful situations. I don’t think there’s solace in what I wrote for you though. It’s just all so very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

I think the main reason why I'm still struggling with the loss of my parents is that there was never a proper 'goodbye'.

My mom died only 7 months after her cancer diagnosis. She never felt able to talk about her terminal illness with me and my dad. She could talk about mundane things like the weather but not about her cancer.

My mom did have a private conversation with a priest 2 weeks before her death. In a way I feel glad that she did talk to someone.

Dad died of sepsis after 3 years of illness and a weakened immune system. Sepsis takes hold of the body very quickly.
With both deaths there was no opportunity for me to say goodbye and talk to them, there was no real closure.

There rarely is a proper goodbye, unfortunately.

Please seek professional help to process your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

I think the main reason why I'm still struggling with the loss of my parents is that there was never a proper 'goodbye'.

My mom died only 7 months after her cancer diagnosis. She never felt able to talk about her terminal illness with me and my dad. She could talk about mundane things like the weather but not about her cancer.

My mom did have a private conversation with a priest 2 weeks before her death. In a way I feel glad that she did talk to someone.

Dad died of sepsis after 3 years of illness and a weakened immune system. Sepsis takes hold of the body very quickly.
With both deaths there was no opportunity for me to say goodbye and talk to them, there was no real closure.

Um, you had months in your mom's case and years in your dad's case. Closure is something you find within yourself. No one else can give you closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can be happy for your friends and their experiences with living parents while still being sad about your own losses. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I say this as someone who experienced similar loss as you.

I think this is so true. I lost my parents and I can still be happy for friends and family with parents even though I am sad. Same with my kids - I have a kid with special needs and I can be really happy for the achievements of my friends’ kids even while I’m sad for the struggles my kid has and the loss I feel that my kid won’t experience so many typical milestones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

I think the main reason why I'm still struggling with the loss of my parents is that there was never a proper 'goodbye'.

My mom died only 7 months after her cancer diagnosis. She never felt able to talk about her terminal illness with me and my dad. She could talk about mundane things like the weather but not about her cancer.

My mom did have a private conversation with a priest 2 weeks before her death. In a way I feel glad that she did talk to someone.

Dad died of sepsis after 3 years of illness and a weakened immune system. Sepsis takes hold of the body very quickly.
With both deaths there was no opportunity for me to say goodbye and talk to them, there was no real closure.

Tell them now. Say everything you need to say, maybe even write it down.

[Anonymous]

It hurts because you loved your parents and seeing/hearing about others makes you mourn for what could have been. I don’t think not seeing or hearing about it would remove that grief. When it gets touched, it’s just oh yes, there’s that wound. It was there before and will be there after. Try to reframe your thinking about it a little.

[Anonymous]

My mother died a year and a half ago. Before she died I saw her less than once a year, lived 3,000 miles away, and was not close with her. Her dying didn't change much for me. Not everyone is close with their parents, OP.

[Anonymous]

These books helped me:

The Orphaned Adult
How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults
Healing the Adult Child’s Grieving Heart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your losses. I say this kindly, but please consider therapy. It's normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss. What you describe is not normal, though, especially after so many years.

You’re wrong, pp. There is no normal; grief is an individual and unique experience for each person.

[Anonymous]

I think it's about knowing your audience. I lost my mom when I was a kid, and she was 44. I don't want to listen or even read social media posts from a friend, who's mom recently died at 90 -- and saying it was "too soon."

I acknowledge their pain and grief, but don't talk to me about it being "too soon." That's just rude, and I'm not the person you should be saying that too.