People who still have both parents/1 parent just don't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been in your shoes, OP...It is better to have loved and lost parents you respect than...to have parents you can't stand.

This. I was estranged from my mother for 30 years before she passed away (from my college graduation onward) and severing the relationship with her was the right thing to do (alcoholic and toxic personality while drinking). I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you had a great relationship for the time you had and that the love you had for one another is something that others wish for.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP! I wonder if your SIL thinks you think of your MIL as a mom as well and doesn't realize it stings. I doubt people are purposefully trying to upset you.

Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't ever mention my parents to my friends who have lost parents... I'm not a braggart but I do see my parents often and am close with them. I would never want to hurt my best friend especially. In that vein, I want to reach out to her on mothers and fathers days, but never know what to say. Clearly I'm an awkward person and wish there was a handbook on this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's about knowing your audience. I lost my mom when I was a kid, and she was 44. I don't want to listen or even read social media posts from a friend, who's mom recently died at 90 -- and saying it was "too soon."

I acknowledge their pain and grief, but don't talk to me about it being "too soon." That's just rude, and I'm not the person you should be saying that too.

They're not being rude. It is very selfish of you to not understand that our parents deaths hurt us. You don't get a cookie for losing a parent earlier. My father died way too young and I just lost a relative who was in her 90s. I'm reeling from the last death. People like you and op who WANT to be mad at someone because you feel pain stop a lot of us from ever speaking and getting support.

I mean - the OP of this comment is not saying that the people losing a 90+ year old parent should not feel grief and sadness, but rather that claiming it is "too soon" is a bit much (which I agree with). At least on a literal level, anyone who gets to live on this planet for 90 years or more, assuming the vast majority of it was spent in relative good health, is extremely lucky. I have seen similar posts on social media and while I feel sad for those people's losses, I also think it's a little tone-deaf. Ninety years is a good, long life by any strech of the imagination. Even for Queen Elizabeth's funeral, you didn't really hear commentary about it being too soon or similar. Just that there was a void and deep sadness, which is normal anytime anyone loses someone they love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the holiday hope. Drive to see them. Make the effort, push if you have to, to see them some other time. My guess though ~ this is not all that you would hope it would be. Probably having nothing to do with your special circumstance ... if the relationship isn't there, organically, it's just isn't there. And plenty of people have that extended family situation WITH parents living.

This. My DH and I both have living parents and they don’t invite us fir holidays or come to see us. And we have kids. They just aren’t interested. It is sad.

NP. I know how you feel - same situation. But as they age and decline, you will be expected to drop your life to do everything they want when they want it - not what they need, what they *want*, even if its unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you are 51. I am in my late 50s and my parents have both gone. For my friends who still have parents, most of their stories about are about the struggles of dealing with the parents' illnesses and decline.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's also worth realizing that people who haven't been through the death of a parent or sibling yet often just don't understand.

I became a widow at 50, with no friends who had been through anything remotely like it. There's no grasping it until you've experienced it. I lost my mother three years before that, the first of my friends to lose a parent. My friends were all wonderful and supportive, but without their own experience, they didn't always get where I was coming from.

That said, the world does not revolve around my pain. I avoid FB on Mother's Day, and try to be happy for people celebrating wedding anniversaries and their spouse's birthdays. And hope that they don't have to go through what I've been through anytime soon.

I have bad days when I am angry at the world, but that's my own issue. If you continue to be stuck on this, you are going to expend so much psychological energy unnecessarily. It's not going to change--you have to change your thought process.

[Anonymous]

Suggestions since you don't feel supported right now. Make it easy for people to support you:

- Yearly drive to support a cause the deceased cared about or a disease they passed away from (coincide with Giving Tuesday)
- Post about them yearly or biannually
- Send old letters/photos of the person who passed to loved ones. "I found an old photo of you with x, you were so cute at that age!"
- Acknowledging that you might be a bit off during certain seasons/times of the year

That being said, anger is a phase in the grieving process and there is a phase where you might target that anger against other people. I have had loved ones who did this and it pushed everyone away. They ended up alone because they could not get out of this "me vs. them" attitude. Ultimately, if you make everything about you/your grief/your bad hand in life how are YOU supporting/celebrating/enjoying life with the people around you? It's just like with everything, if you feel wronged it is going to come out in your relationships with people.

There are people in this world who have truly been dealt a tough hand. I'm talking about losing both parents in childhood and being alone with no resources in parts of the world where resources are scarce. It's a blessing in many places of the world to have two parents to raise you to adulthood. Celebrate ways you are fortunate. It can be therapeutic to go and volunteer with less fortunate people.

[Anonymous]

People don’t understand loss, unless it has affected them before. My partner died by suicide last year. A very good friend I’ve had for 30 years made jokes about suicide, told me she was planning to kill herself when she found out her mother had cancer. She did this in the 2-4 months after he died. I think her behavior permanently affected our relationship. I didn’t speak to her for several months. I said all that to say protect yourself, but keep in mind that people just don’t get it.

I know it stings, but try to be grateful for the relationship you had with your parents. Gratitude heals a lot of comparison issues.

[Anonymous]

I lost both of my parents. I don't understand why you cannot be happy for others who still have theirs. You're making this all about you when they are trying to share photos about their lives.