Feeling hurt when other people fall apart over their elderly ailing parents while mine died young
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Anonymous
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I am 54 years old.
My mom died of cancer only 7 months after diagnosis in 1999. She was only 51 (she died in the spring and didn't live to celebrate her 52nd birthday in the fall). My dad died in 2008, aged only 64, after 3 years of illness with advanced diabetes, foot and leg ulcers, gangrene, osteomyelitis, a series of mini strokes (TIAs), and eventually a bacterial infection which turned into sepsis, which killed him. I have no siblings so I had no immediate, close blood relatives to share my grief and my memories with. Yes, aunts and uncles but it's not the same. Is it normal to feel annoyed and sad when other people are falling apart over their very elderly parents' or relatives' poor health, or when they've died? My DH and his siblings are like this with MIL, who is 93 and has dementia. She lives in her own house and she receives a lot of support from her adult children and from private caregivers. MIL is now 40+ years older than my mom was when she died. I didn't get to spend all these extra years with mom (and dad). We never got to celebrate all the milestones in our lives and theirs after they passed at 51 and 54. It feels so unfair. Is it normal to feel this way? I feel I am still struggling with the loss of my parents. It feels like a chapter in my life that was never finished, or like a book that is only half written ... I've tried to explain how I feel to my husband. He acknowledges my feelings and he says he understands, but does he? He still has a mom. |
Anonymous
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As someone who lost their mom very young but now has an elderly father that’s almost 90 I can relate to you and understand both sides.
I think it’s absolutely normal to feel that way but I think you also have to understand that people are going to be sad when their parents are sick and dying regardless of the age. Even if they’re 100 they’re still going to be sad. I think you need to come to terms with the loss of your parents and perhaps find a way to deal with the grief. I still feel this way when I see people complaining about their mothers when I lost mine very young . It’s normal and it’s ok. It’s just how life is. |
Anonymous
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What you are feeling is normal, but it doesn't have anything to do with you husband and how he should feel about his mom. That's his business. You lost your mom suddenly; he I'd losing his by inches. Is one really better than the other as far as effect on the child.
You may want to address your hurt with a therapist, but it is not the person who is currently losing their parents job to help you by muting their psin. |
Anonymous
| *pain |
Anonymous
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I get it OP. I lost both my parents before they were 60. I think it is normal what you are feeling or at least I feel the same way about my MIL who is still alive and kicking at 89. I am guessing your DH doesn't understand but also you don't understand what it is like for him -- so it really goes both ways.
I have a harder time seeing my SIL with my MIL. I just missed all those years with my Mom which is really hard. |
Anonymous
| It might be normal, but it's also irrational and unproductive. People are going to grieve their parents, and it's not a competition. Their grief doesn't have anything to do with yours. They love their parents and they will be sad and struggle when they die. Again, it's not a competition or a zero-sum game. They have the right to be as sad as they feel. |
Anonymous
+1 This is 100 percent something for you to work out. It is not on anyone else to minimize their grief for you. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I'm right there with you. Also: I struggle with my in-law's lackadaisical way of not being great grandparents (when mine would have been fantastic, I think). Why do they get to squander the opportunity my parents never had?! They're old and have lots of money in the bank, and live like paupers because they're "saving it for the future," but hey, the future is here and you're old and you wasted it staring at the wall and now they're scared to die and angry and it's hard (in my inner sanctum) to feel sympathy when they could have led a different life. |
Anonymous
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It's normal for you to feel this way. It's also normal for people to worry about their 90+ year old parents. They can both be right.
I think you really should see a therapist about this. I think you haven't worked through a lot of the grief. You also need to be able to think about how you'd want your own kids to feel. Wouldn't you want them to care for you when you're elderly? You can't change a relationship you never had with your parents but you can make sure yours is strong with the family you still have. |
Anonymous
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You can feel hurt for your personal loss, but it's probably better to stay silent when someone is managing their 90 year ol mother's surgery for an intestine snip and has to keep rescheduling because the current care team in her home is not trained to care for that kind of recovery and they need to be trained and willing to care for that wound. Also in the weekly shop her mom wants tomatoes but is not allowed to use knives.
You probably shouldn't say "I WISH I had a mom to do that for". It's just different circumstances and both are very very difficult and we all need to be kind. |
Anonymous
| Oh gosh. I understand your feelings 100%. It's tough, because you may feel like you can't say this out loud. You'd be an ogre in your in-laws' eyes. I agree with possibly getting some therapy or maybe reading a good book on grief. It's definitely not a competition ... but I promise, I understand where you're coming from. |
Anonymous
| OP, I lost a child this year. I do enjoy hearing about the struggles of my friends with their kids. It allows me to still feel like a parent. I don't see it as complaining on their part, or not appreciating their role. I think you need to reframe the conversations or comments you are hearing. At every stage of life people have issues in their life cycle roles. Have compassion. Take part. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is true of any painful situation that you have experienced and others haven’t. They’re not going to fully get it, nor is it reasonable to expect them to. Don’t insist that others put aside their own pain for yours - that’s not fair.
Instead, you have to find the people who DO get it and rely on them for support when you get upset. I have one girlfriend who truly understands the levels (depths?) of my one sibling’s hideous behavior, and so she’s the one I turn to when that hits the fan. I can do the same for her because I get it. I have other friends to whom I’m overall closer but from whom I don’t seek support on this issue because they have no clue. That’s okay. |
Anonymous
| ^^Also, I’m very sorry about your parents. How hard it must be to have lost them so young. |