The “DH won’t use inheritance” thread is the #1 reason I will not give my adult children too much $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

OP here. We have substantial savings. DH doesn't want to touch that either. He seems to want to accumulate millions of dollars in liquid assets, presumably because he is obsessed with funding 100% of his brother's financial needs once he mom goes. I look at the totality of our family's accounts and it seems crazy to me that he will not agree to spend more on a new house. Like, insane. I think any reasonable person would say that we can put more towards a house that better suits our needs at this point in our life without being profligate. It makes me feel like any financial gains we ever have, he will want to hold onto for his brother rather than for his own kids. Can people see how I'm resentful of the situation?

IF true, you wrote your OP really badly. DH’s inheritance is a total red herring.

The problem is: you have certain financial goals (private school, nice house) —> you can afford to pay for them out of earnings but since your parents are giving you money you save your own money —> DH wants to allocate the money you saved towards care for his brother —> in effect, your parents are funding his brother’s care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

No it's not. False equivalence. She didn't earn it. All she gets is $34K/year, a fraction of what DH brings in as salary. And DH IS spending all his income on the family.

+ the cost of private school, vacations, interest/PMI savings from downpayment help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people I know that get money from their parents are out of touch. Nice people but just divorced from reality. Like talking about a really expensive vacation that one couldn't afford from where we work or they say daycare costs are no big deal because their parents cover it. They just don't seem to have any perspective about how fortunate they are and they don't seem to grasp that not everyone gets financial assistance like that.

OK I am one of those people. How would you prefer we approach the situation to other people? At the time that I’ve been upfront about having money from family it feels like people take it the wrong way. When I don’t, it feels like people think how you would think. I’m very well aware of the other people do not have the same financial advantage. I honestly don’t really talk about it much except with other people that I know I have the same situation.

PP here and just be self aware that there are a lot of things you can do because of family money that others with the same job as you cannot. I mean the daycare thing should be so obvious to anyone who just thought about it for a second.

Of course I am aware. I am extremely aware.

[Anonymous]

Lol a thread about the thread rather than just talking in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

OP here. We have substantial savings. DH doesn't want to touch that either. He seems to want to accumulate millions of dollars in liquid assets, presumably because he is obsessed with funding 100% of his brother's financial needs once he mom goes. I look at the totality of our family's accounts and it seems crazy to me that he will not agree to spend more on a new house. Like, insane. I think any reasonable person would say that we can put more towards a house that better suits our needs at this point in our life without being profligate. It makes me feel like any financial gains we ever have, he will want to hold onto for his brother rather than for his own kids. Can people see how I'm resentful of the situation?

Yep, I see it, and I would feel the same way. I think you get him to counseling and/or financial advisor. Counseling because his fear about brother's situation is outsized, and could be handled better if he is informed and being realistic about it. Financial advising - same, but with more specific advice about this special situation, it can likely be handled more affordably with more information. I bet your DH is super competent, but has this one spot where he is blinded because of trauma. He can't deal with mom, brother, and wants badly to ignore it, at your family's cost.

+100. This is great advice. I was the husband for many years, and therapy was life changing. There are solutions out there for him (financial solutions.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. Enjoy your nursing home. You realize they will inherit it. I'd prefer to see my kids live more comfortably rather than them inherit it when they are much older and don't need/cannot enjoy it as much.

Same. My parents helped me the best they could (not as much as the OP of the other thread but that is only because they don’t have as much money). And I am definitely planning to share with my children while I am alive. I want to see them happy, I want to ease the stress of raising a family and paying for activities or tutoring or summer camps, I want my grandkids to graduate with as little student debts as possible etc…

Not sharing is not how to avoid having spoiled brats. What is key is how you raise them. How you talk about money, what is ok to spend on. And how much you donate to charities and others in need too. I want my kids to have a nice life, I don’t want my kids to buy 2k Louis Vuitton bags before thinking about making regular donations to the soup kicthen. Life priorities are taught early and throughout their lives (mostly by the exemple of how you live your own life by the way)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. Enjoy your nursing home. You realize they will inherit it. I'd prefer to see my kids live more comfortably rather than them inherit it when they are much older and don't need/cannot enjoy it as much.

Same. My parents helped me the best they could (not as much as the OP of the other thread but that is only because they don’t have as much money). And I am definitely planning to share with my children while I am alive. I want to see them happy, I want to ease the stress of raising a family and paying for activities or tutoring or summer camps, I want my grandkids to graduate with as little student debts as possible etc…

Not sharing is not how to avoid having spoiled brats. What is key is how you raise them. How you talk about money, what is ok to spend on. And how much you donate to charities and others in need too. I want my kids to have a nice life, I don’t want my kids to buy 2k Louis Vuitton bags before thinking about making regular donations to the soup kicthen. Life priorities are taught early and throughout their lives (mostly by the exemple of how you live your own life by the way)

You think you have SO MUCH CONTROL just by the way you raise them but you don’t. You really really don’t. I have seen families where one child turns out a productive member of society and the other one is a mooch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

OP, I think you are out of touch and entitled. DP here. I know people who grew up with professional parents in a wealthy area - and they were considered working poor - not just for that area, for most areas.

You don't know someone's situation, so don't try to tell us how your husband should spend HIS money. It is not your money. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

The husband in question is frugal for himself so he can save for the care of his disabled brother. He is being responsible and the opposite of selfish.

What's wrong with you?

+1, the OP of that thread is acting entitled to someone else’s inheritance.

Raise your kids right, I don’t personally care who you leave your money to but you gotta leave it to someone so it makes sense that a lot if people leave it to their kids.

the reason high net worth people pay for all of those things is because they'd rather the money benefit their family than the government when they die.

[Anonymous]

If your children are lazy and entitled then they will be lazy and entitled. If your children are hard working, responsible people whom you love and who love you.... I don't see the problem. I am glad I will leave my kids an inheritance. I'm not talking about movie star money here, but something that will help them in the long term.

Your kids have to be pretty crappy people IMHO for a parent to choose to disinherit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. Enjoy your nursing home. You realize they will inherit it. I'd prefer to see my kids live more comfortably rather than them inherit it when they are much older and don't need/cannot enjoy it as much.

Same. My parents helped me the best they could (not as much as the OP of the other thread but that is only because they don’t have as much money). And I am definitely planning to share with my children while I am alive. I want to see them happy, I want to ease the stress of raising a family and paying for activities or tutoring or summer camps, I want my grandkids to graduate with as little student debts as possible etc…

Not sharing is not how to avoid having spoiled brats. What is key is how you raise them. How you talk about money, what is ok to spend on. And how much you donate to charities and others in need too. I want my kids to have a nice life, I don’t want my kids to buy 2k Louis Vuitton bags before thinking about making regular donations to the soup kicthen. Life priorities are taught early and throughout their lives (mostly by the exemple of how you live your own life by the way)

You think you have SO MUCH CONTROL just by the way you raise them but you don’t. You really really don’t. I have seen families where one child turns out a productive member of society and the other one is a mooch.

Yeah, but the people I know whose parents have paid for everything, tend to be the ones with their hands out. I know people who married someone just because they thought their parents (ILs) were rich - yet they don't talk to them (the ILs). These people are well old enough to be paying for their own DCs private schools, etc. - but it doesn't once dawn on them that there are other choices, and that they don't have to be spending all that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

smh

Yeah. My takeaway from this is that OP's husband wants to save resources for the eventuality that he needs to care for his mentally ill brother. OP, on the other hand, has relatives who use food banks and sell plasma, but has no inclination on her part to help them out - it might detract from her ability to purchase a big house!

SMH indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. Enjoy your nursing home. You realize they will inherit it. I'd prefer to see my kids live more comfortably rather than them inherit it when they are much older and don't need/cannot enjoy it as much.

Same. My parents helped me the best they could (not as much as the OP of the other thread but that is only because they don’t have as much money). And I am definitely planning to share with my children while I am alive. I want to see them happy, I want to ease the stress of raising a family and paying for activities or tutoring or summer camps, I want my grandkids to graduate with as little student debts as possible etc…

Not sharing is not how to avoid having spoiled brats. What is key is how you raise them. How you talk about money, what is ok to spend on. And how much you donate to charities and others in need too. I want my kids to have a nice life, I don’t want my kids to buy 2k Louis Vuitton bags before thinking about making regular donations to the soup kicthen. Life priorities are taught early and throughout their lives (mostly by the exemple of how you live your own life by the way)

You think you have SO MUCH CONTROL just by the way you raise them but you don’t. You really really don’t. I have seen families where one child turns out a productive member of society and the other one is a mooch.

This argument never makes any sense to me. Just because one child ends up different from another child doesn't mean the parents didn't have control.

It means those two kids were parented differently. Parenting is 100% predictive of outcomes but for most people, your childhood experience within your family is the single most important influence on the type of person you become. Like outside of a huge external event like a war or a great depression or a traumatic incident, and even then, the way your parents respond to those external event is hugely impactful. But parents almost never parent each of their kids the same way. So of course there are varying results within a family. Kids get different levels of attention, affection, encouragement, structure, etc. And since this thread is about money, kids in the same family often have hugely different experiences with money as children. In my own family, there are siblings who spent their formative years living in a trailer sharing a bedroom and learning to clip coupons, and a sibling who never knew life without a house with their own room and hearing "yes" to almost all material requests. Those siblings have very different relationships to money and work. Same parents, same family.

[Anonymous]

^ Meant to write that parenting is NOT 100% predictive of outcomes, but that it's still the single most important influence.