The “DH won’t use inheritance” thread is the #1 reason I will not give my adult children too much $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

smh

Yeah. My takeaway from this is that OP's husband wants to save resources for the eventuality that he needs to care for his mentally ill brother. OP, on the other hand, has relatives who use food banks and sell plasma, but has no inclination on her part to help them out - it might detract from her ability to purchase a big house!

SMH indeed.

100%

[Anonymous]

My grandmother grew up with wealthy parents, and she felt very strongly that she didn't want anyone to expect gifts and so didn't give them regularly. When she gave a gift it was always a surprise because she didn't want anyone to be making their financial decisions based on the expectation of those gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

OP, I think you are out of touch and entitled. DP here. I know people who grew up with professional parents in a wealthy area - and they were considered working poor - not just for that area, for most areas.

You don't know someone's situation, so don't try to tell us how your husband should spend HIS money. It is not your money. Period.

Says someone who’s probably never been married and doesn’t understand that most major decisions should be joint decisions, regardless of whether one party is legally entitled to keep the other partner out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people I know that get money from their parents are out of touch. Nice people but just divorced from reality. Like talking about a really expensive vacation that one couldn't afford from where we work or they say daycare costs are no big deal because their parents cover it. They just don't seem to have any perspective about how fortunate they are and they don't seem to grasp that not everyone gets financial assistance like that.

OK I am one of those people. How would you prefer we approach the situation to other people? At the time that I’ve been upfront about having money from family it feels like people take it the wrong way. When I don’t, it feels like people think how you would think. I’m very well aware of the other people do not have the same financial advantage. I honestly don’t really talk about it much except with other people that I know I have the same situation.

Probably not you, but I have a friend in your situation who likes to brag about the adventurous risky things he did, how he doesn't play it safe in his career, etc. etc. Yeah, because if it doesn't work out, your life will still be comfortable. Of course, now that we aren't in our 20s, the stakes are different.

+1 I think the big point is self-awareness--I have wealthy friends who are self-aware of how their advantages spill over into so many spheres of their lives that some of their personal achievements are in part due to how they have less stress so they can focus more, workout more, attend events that build their skills and networks etc. They just seem attuned to how wealth is not just buying things but also is supporting their own 'self-improvement' in ways that others don't have as easy access to. Other less self-aware friends might know it is gauche to talk about an expensive vacation or purchases with those who can't afford it, but give advice/brag about personal development (e.g. working out, taking sabbaticals, retreats, career building etc) things as if they are about will power, risk-taking, discipline and other individual traits when they are just as much or more about having loads of support and a robust safety net.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

smh

Yeah. My takeaway from this is that OP's husband wants to save resources for the eventuality that he needs to care for his mentally ill brother. OP, on the other hand, has relatives who use food banks and sell plasma, but has no inclination on her part to help them out - it might detract from her ability to purchase a big house!

SMH indeed.

100%

OP here. The relative who sells plasma has been absolutely awful at managing money for decades. My parents have given her a lot of financial and material support and every thing they can do to help, and she has squandered it. You could give her millions of dollars and she would blow it. There are people like. Now they give her gift cards to the grocery store. Anything else she will have nothing to show for. I would have happily helped the family member who was using a food bank, but out of shame, they didn't tell us until after that period in their life had passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people I know that get money from their parents are out of touch. Nice people but just divorced from reality. Like talking about a really expensive vacation that one couldn't afford from where we work or they say daycare costs are no big deal because their parents cover it. They just don't seem to have any perspective about how fortunate they are and they don't seem to grasp that not everyone gets financial assistance like that.

I live in a wealthy suburb on a relatively low income, and all my neighbors think nothing of paying for what you mention - out of their own salaries, of course, since they're high earners.

I think you're find that the rich *in general* will seem out of touch when conversing with people who have less. Earning your own money doesn't protect you from cluelessness when it comes to the lower-income population.

NP. this is a really important point.

[Anonymous]

We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I plan to be very frugal with them from end of high school to maybe age 30. They should learn how to budget and live within their own incomes. By 30, they should have those skills. And should also have figured out what kind of lifestyle they want, what job they need to make that happen etc. In that case, I would be happy them as they start their families etc. I would not tell them this in advance. I also would only give them extra things, so they would still be living on their own. Things like a vacation, new furniture, etc. Not help with bills, private school, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

I completely agree. OP is looking at that thread from an odd lense. There is some bias informing how people reacted to that situation. I dislike adults being dependent on allowances and inheritances as well. But. That feeling has to be put aside because the issue is the DH is not using his family money as the wife has been using HER family wife. So it’s inequitable, and we have to wonder why. That’s all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

Yes that’s exactly what it is. I know very rich people who do the same for their adult children who can afford private school on their own, but they don’t have quite as deep pockets as their parents. Meanwhile the grandparents are looking to bring down their income for tax purposes so they gift money. It’s all very interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I plan to be very frugal with them from end of high school to maybe age 30. They should learn how to budget and live within their own incomes. By 30, they should have those skills. And should also have figured out what kind of lifestyle they want, what job they need to make that happen etc. In that case, I would be happy them as they start their families etc. I would not tell them this in advance. I also would only give them extra things, so they would still be living on their own. Things like a vacation, new furniture, etc. Not help with bills, private school, etc.

OP here - you and the grandmother poster above have basically encapsulated my strategy. I will absolutely give generous housewarming gifts and similar. I am not going to be stingy. But it will be a bonus and not something to cause an expectation.

I don’t know about funding vacations though. It can cause an expectation because it is annual (whereas a living room sofa is one-time) and downgrading from $$$ to $ can cause disappointment. Also, I don’t necessarily believe $$$ travel is more enjoyable than $.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

She answered this. Her husband doesn’t want to use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

Same. A great education is the only real legacy I want to leave my kids and grandkids. My kids will definitely have undergrad and at least some of a graduate program funded, and depending on how things go, I'd be happy to do the same for grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

Same. A great education is the only real legacy I want to leave my kids and grandkids. My kids will definitely have undergrad and at least some of a graduate program funded, and depending on how things go, I'd be happy to do the same for grandkids.

That’s different than private school.