The “DH won’t use inheritance” thread is the #1 reason I will not give my adult children too much $$

[Anonymous]

Look, these are just class differences. If your parents have a ton of money, and $1M might go to a mentally disabled brother to spend, rather than to a trust for his care, that's a big waste and a problem that should be handled.

If you are middle to lower class, with your retirement and old-age care uncertain, then certainly, no one is entitled to your life's earnings and if you did your best by your kids, they are lucky to have had you as examples.

However, for people with real money? It is assumed you earned the money ensure the success of your progeny. That's why we live, right? To see our kids do as well as possible. If you want to give your millions to the dog park instead of your kid, I assume your kid is cut off from the family line, for whatever good/bad reason. Your actual kid! Now say you have a schitzophrenic adult child. This is difficult, you need advisors to help put up care and cushion for this adult child when you die, otherwise they could become a street person. I would assume any caring decent parent would set up the necessary arrangements if they had sufficient funds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people I know that get money from their parents are out of touch. Nice people but just divorced from reality. Like talking about a really expensive vacation that one couldn't afford from where we work or they say daycare costs are no big deal because their parents cover it. They just don't seem to have any perspective about how fortunate they are and they don't seem to grasp that not everyone gets financial assistance like that.

OK I am one of those people. How would you prefer we approach the situation to other people? At the time that I’ve been upfront about having money from family it feels like people take it the wrong way. When I don’t, it feels like people think how you would think. I’m very well aware of the other people do not have the same financial advantage. I honestly don’t really talk about it much except with other people that I know I have the same situation.

Probably not you, but I have a friend in your situation who likes to brag about the adventurous risky things he did, how he doesn't play it safe in his career, etc. etc. Yeah, because if it doesn't work out, your life will still be comfortable. Of course, now that we aren't in our 20s, the stakes are different.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

This is what I think. We co-mingle everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you would change your tune if you had a large estate. The vast majority of parents prefer to hand their assets onto their children and grandchildren rather than to Uncle Sam or charities or anyone else. What the hell would you do if you had tens of millions of dollars? Just give it all to charity? I don't think so. Get real.

Exactly. Most people want to build generational wealth. The path to generational wealth is avoiding tax (legally). Families that plan well also raise their children to be responsible, contributing members of society.

I am surrounded by such people. We live frugally now, but we have significant assets we plan on leaving to our children one day, and have always taught our children delayed gratification and how to budget and plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you would change your tune if you had a large estate. The vast majority of parents prefer to hand their assets onto their children and grandchildren rather than to Uncle Sam or charities or anyone else. What the hell would you do if you had tens of millions of dollars? Just give it all to charity? I don't think so. Get real.

Exactly. Most people want to build generational wealth. The path to generational wealth is avoiding tax (legally). Families that plan well also raise their children to be responsible, contributing members of society.

I am surrounded by such people. We live frugally now, but we have significant assets we plan on leaving to our children one day, and have always taught our children delayed gratification and how to budget and plan.

Chances are at least one of your children will be exactly like that OP. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

OP here. We have substantial savings. DH doesn't want to touch that either. He seems to want to accumulate millions of dollars in liquid assets, presumably because he is obsessed with funding 100% of his brother's financial needs once he mom goes. I look at the totality of our family's accounts and it seems crazy to me that he will not agree to spend more on a new house. Like, insane. I think any reasonable person would say that we can put more towards a house that better suits our needs at this point in our life without being profligate. It makes me feel like any financial gains we ever have, he will want to hold onto for his brother rather than for his own kids. Can people see how I'm resentful of the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

OP here. We have substantial savings. DH doesn't want to touch that either. He seems to want to accumulate millions of dollars in liquid assets, presumably because he is obsessed with funding 100% of his brother's financial needs once he mom goes. I look at the totality of our family's accounts and it seems crazy to me that he will not agree to spend more on a new house. Like, insane. I think any reasonable person would say that we can put more towards a house that better suits our needs at this point in our life without being profligate. It makes me feel like any financial gains we ever have, he will want to hold onto for his brother rather than for his own kids. Can people see how I'm resentful of the situation?

Yep, I see it, and I would feel the same way. I think you get him to counseling and/or financial advisor. Counseling because his fear about brother's situation is outsized, and could be handled better if he is informed and being realistic about it. Financial advising - same, but with more specific advice about this special situation, it can likely be handled more affordably with more information. I bet your DH is super competent, but has this one spot where he is blinded because of trauma. He can't deal with mom, brother, and wants badly to ignore it, at your family's cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people I know that get money from their parents are out of touch. Nice people but just divorced from reality. Like talking about a really expensive vacation that one couldn't afford from where we work or they say daycare costs are no big deal because their parents cover it. They just don't seem to have any perspective about how fortunate they are and they don't seem to grasp that not everyone gets financial assistance like that.

OK I am one of those people. How would you prefer we approach the situation to other people? At the time that I’ve been upfront about having money from family it feels like people take it the wrong way. When I don’t, it feels like people think how you would think. I’m very well aware of the other people do not have the same financial advantage. I honestly don’t really talk about it much except with other people that I know I have the same situation.

PP here and just be self aware that there are a lot of things you can do because of family money that others with the same job as you cannot. I mean the daycare thing should be so obvious to anyone who just thought about it for a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that there are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Yeah, no, sorry, we don't believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Answer this question since you ignored it on the other thread - since your parents handled your first downpayment, private school, vacations - where did all of your savings go? Why isn’t that enough to fund the house you want? Or have you been living above your means?

OP here. We have substantial savings. DH doesn't want to touch that either. He seems to want to accumulate millions of dollars in liquid assets, presumably because he is obsessed with funding 100% of his brother's financial needs once he mom goes. I look at the totality of our family's accounts and it seems crazy to me that he will not agree to spend more on a new house. Like, insane. I think any reasonable person would say that we can put more towards a house that better suits our needs at this point in our life without being profligate. It makes me feel like any financial gains we ever have, he will want to hold onto for his brother rather than for his own kids. Can people see how I'm resentful of the situation?

You are a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

No it's not. False equivalence. She didn't earn it. All she gets is $34K/year, a fraction of what DH brings in as salary. And DH IS spending all his income on the family.