The “DH won’t use inheritance” thread is the #1 reason I will not give my adult children too much $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

No, it is a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to private schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

No, it is a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to private schools.

Depends on your definition of resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

No, it is a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to private schools.

Depends on your definition of resources.

No, it doesn’t. Resources means money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

This actually makes everything make more sense. Your DH was raised UMC/wealthy and was raised with the importance of saving, and had the need to preserve capital drilled into him from an early age. You, on the other hand, have a LMC mentality (despite your parent’s recent wealth) that thinks you should spend $$ as it comes in.

This OP still hasn’t detailed exactly how much these supposedly copious amounts of savings are. I think they’re not as much as this DCUM crowd is imagining, mostly because OP thought DH’s “high six figure” inheritance was an enormous amount of money. If they already had several million in the bank, I think that wouldn’t seem like so much. I think OP’s current spending is completely unsustainable without her parents’ contributions, and that scares her DH. Now she wants to start spending their savings? That would be a no go from me, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

smh

Yeah. My takeaway from this is that OP's husband wants to save resources for the eventuality that he needs to care for his mentally ill brother. OP, on the other hand, has relatives who use food banks and sell plasma, but has no inclination on her part to help them out - it might detract from her ability to purchase a big house!

SMH indeed.

100%

OP here. The relative who sells plasma has been absolutely awful at managing money for decades. My parents have given her a lot of financial and material support and every thing they can do to help, and she has squandered it. You could give her millions of dollars and she would blow it. There are people like. Now they give her gift cards to the grocery store. Anything else she will have nothing to show for. I would have happily helped the family member who was using a food bank, but out of shame, they didn't tell us until after that period in their life had passed.

So, you’ve spent the money your parents have given you, yes? In other words, you’ve “squandered it?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

No, it is a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to private schools.

Depends on your definition of resources.

No, it doesn’t. Resources means money.

I am the poster who posted this. Education and connections are resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I plan to be very frugal with them from end of high school to maybe age 30. They should learn how to budget and live within their own incomes. By 30, they should have those skills. And should also have figured out what kind of lifestyle they want, what job they need to make that happen etc. In that case, I would be happy them as they start their families etc. I would not tell them this in advance. I also would only give them extra things, so they would still be living on their own. Things like a vacation, new furniture, etc. Not help with bills, private school, etc.

I never understood this. Your life's course is usually set by 30. Better to give money early so kids can feel free to take risks and really allow their true talents to shine.

If parents really want to supercharge their kids' success, they should give them $50K each year between 18-27. That $500K pays for college, graduate school, a down payment, a car, furniture, and an emergency fund -- you get all the nonsense out of the way and can really focus on life. Giving your kids $500K in this manner is really like giving them an extra decade of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

This! From wife’s perspective, her money was used for the benefit of the whole family but his money is for “his” benefit, and that can create resentment. OP from that post has a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

No, it is a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to private schools.

Depends on your definition of resources.

No, it doesn’t. Resources means money.

I am the poster who posted this. Education and connections are resources.

Blah blah blah. Connections are made in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I plan to be very frugal with them from end of high school to maybe age 30. They should learn how to budget and live within their own incomes. By 30, they should have those skills. And should also have figured out what kind of lifestyle they want, what job they need to make that happen etc. In that case, I would be happy them as they start their families etc. I would not tell them this in advance. I also would only give them extra things, so they would still be living on their own. Things like a vacation, new furniture, etc. Not help with bills, private school, etc.

I never understood this. Your life's course is usually set by 30. Better to give money early so kids can feel free to take risks and really allow their true talents to shine.

If parents really want to supercharge their kids' success, they should give them $50K each year between 18-27. That $500K pays for college, graduate school, a down payment, a car, furniture, and an emergency fund -- you get all the nonsense out of the way and can really focus on life. Giving your kids $500K in this manner is really like giving them an extra decade of life.

Your approach is as dumb as the PP’s you are quoting.

No one is arguing against paying tuition, especially at current and future rates.

If the kid ends up wanting to be an entrepreneur, is passionate and hard-working about it, then give them money (as capital) to pay expenses and hire a team.

But if the kid goes straight into a well-paying job, setting up their emergency fund would be very infantilizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

This! From wife’s perspective, her money was used for the benefit of the whole family but his money is for “his” benefit, and that can create resentment. OP from that post has a point.

Except he’s using his regular income for the benefit of the whole family too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

This! From wife’s perspective, her money was used for the benefit of the whole family but his money is for “his” benefit, and that can create resentment. OP from that post has a point.

But hers was not an inheritance. It was money that her parents gave to the couple specifically to use for things on their house. I see the difference here. Also, OP doesn't have a disabled brother to worry about. They clearly need to see a marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

smh

Right? That OP gets everything from mommy and daddy and here she is saying her husband (who is smart and thinking about helping his brother who may have financial difficulties in the future) is the one who is out of touch. Maybe OP should give her $34K a year gift or the money her parents use to pay for her children's school and expensive vacations to her family members who are using food banks and selling plasma instead of complaining about how husband doesn't want to buy a new house. Talk about out of touch!!!

OP - my mommy and daddy have never paid for anything for me after I graduated from college (and even then, I paid for most of college myself and with loans). You are so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

This! From wife’s perspective, her money was used for the benefit of the whole family but his money is for “his” benefit, and that can create resentment. OP from that post has a point.

Except he’s using his regular income for the benefit of the whole family too.

And she is using her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you just forget for a second though that that other OP and her Dh got their money from family, and reframed the question regardless of where the money came from. Imagine, it was money each person earned from a job and the wife had used all her money towards things that benefit the whole family included Dh but the Dh refused to use any of his money to benefit his own immediate family. That’s what that OPs question is really about. The fact that they both got the money from inheritances and family is really irrelevant to the question.

This! From wife’s perspective, her money was used for the benefit of the whole family but his money is for “his” benefit, and that can create resentment. OP from that post has a point.

Except he’s using his regular income for the benefit of the whole family too.

And she is using her time.

Oh please. She HAD a job, she just used Covid as an excuse to keep staying at home.