The “DH won’t use inheritance” thread is the #1 reason I will not give my adult children too much $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

if anything, knowing they have some $$ to fall back on would allow them to fully pursue their dreams. Easy to be a social worker, teacher, writer, work at a non-profit (insert any other job that is lower paying) if you have something to fall back on.

Do you really think taking away life’s struggles based on your own decisions/choices is the best way to have creative, forward thinking people? Because I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

Because you said offering these gifts makes them a little less hungry. Hungry used in this sense generally refers to desire to make money.

Hungry to prove themselves. Using whatever metric they want. For a kid in my extended family, they want to win a fields medal (high math honor). Most on this board would consider him a failure since he won’t have a ton of money. He makes a middle class salary as a prof. He is not motivated by money (beyond paying for basics) or he could have made different life choices. He was recruited to be a quant coming out of his PhD. I do think that hunger to make something of himself is connected to being responsible for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

if anything, knowing they have some $$ to fall back on would allow them to fully pursue their dreams. Easy to be a social worker, teacher, writer, work at a non-profit (insert any other job that is lower paying) if you have something to fall back on.

Do you really think taking away life’s struggles based on your own decisions/choices is the best way to have creative, forward thinking people? Because I don’t.

Why do you think people need to struggle to be creative? So if you were worth $20 M, you would let your kid who decides to be an actor or writer or professional musician or a social worker or teacher live in a crappy place (possibly dangerous area) because that's all they can afford just so they "can figure it out"? I'll have to disagree. I think my kid can better figure out their life if they don't have those struggles. what parent who can so obviously afford to help their kid out would sit by and let them live in run down apartment, struggle to eat, and a car that constantly breaks down.
Yeah, I'm not buying them a $2M condo and furnishing it and I'm not buying them a $80K sports car, but I will gift them their 10 yo car and help them setup their first apartment. Shocking to some people, kids can still be self motivated, dedicated and excel in life even with some financial help. Can they sit at home and play video games all day? Hell no---I'm not helping with that. But if they want to be a writer/teacher/socialworker/etc I will make sure they live a decent life while pursuing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

I think it is actually a very good transfer of resources from grandparents to grandkids.

I don't believe in private schools. Bastion of very wealthy + scholarship kids. Get to know the large middle class in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

Because you said offering these gifts makes them a little less hungry. Hungry used in this sense generally refers to desire to make money.

Hungry to prove themselves. Using whatever metric they want. For a kid in my extended family, they want to win a fields medal (high math honor). Most on this board would consider him a failure since he won’t have a ton of money. He makes a middle class salary as a prof. He is not motivated by money (beyond paying for basics) or he could have made different life choices. He was recruited to be a quant coming out of his PhD. I do think that hunger to make something of himself is connected to being responsible for himself.

It’s very common for kids of wealthy parents to not get the real life-changing lump sums until age 35 or 40, so they have a chance to establish careers and spending habits that are in line with their innate levels of hunger.

[Anonymous]

My parents gave me 500k to buy a condo. I bought a condo for exactly 500k so I wouldn’t have any debt. I work as a nanny and earn 75k a year. I live simple and I’m so grateful my parents gave me this gift, so I can work a job I love and not have stress.