The “DH won’t use inheritance” thread is the #1 reason I will not give my adult children too much $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

She was a poverty tourist! SHE GETS THE STRUGGLE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. Enjoy your nursing home. You realize they will inherit it. I'd prefer to see my kids live more comfortably rather than them inherit it when they are much older and don't need/cannot enjoy it as much.

+1000

People who say they wouldn't give it to their kids are typically just jealous they are not in the situation to be beneficiaries of such wealth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you would change your tune if you had a large estate. The vast majority of parents prefer to hand their assets onto their children and grandchildren rather than to Uncle Sam or charities or anyone else. What the hell would you do if you had tens of millions of dollars? Just give it all to charity? I don't think so. Get real.

Exactly. Most people want to build generational wealth. The path to generational wealth is avoiding tax (legally). Families that plan well also raise their children to be responsible, contributing members of society.

I am surrounded by such people. We live frugally now, but we have significant assets we plan on leaving to our children one day, and have always taught our children delayed gratification and how to budget and plan.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. Enjoy your nursing home. You realize they will inherit it. I'd prefer to see my kids live more comfortably rather than them inherit it when they are much older and don't need/cannot enjoy it as much.

Same. My parents helped me the best they could (not as much as the OP of the other thread but that is only because they don’t have as much money). And I am definitely planning to share with my children while I am alive. I want to see them happy, I want to ease the stress of raising a family and paying for activities or tutoring or summer camps, I want my grandkids to graduate with as little student debts as possible etc…

Not sharing is not how to avoid having spoiled brats. What is key is how you raise them. How you talk about money, what is ok to spend on. And how much you donate to charities and others in need too. I want my kids to have a nice life, I don’t want my kids to buy 2k Louis Vuitton bags before thinking about making regular donations to the soup kicthen. Life priorities are taught early and throughout their lives (mostly by the exemple of how you live your own life by the way)

You think you have SO MUCH CONTROL just by the way you raise them but you don’t. You really really don’t. I have seen families where one child turns out a productive member of society and the other one is a mooch.

Then you can choose to give the "mooch" much less or nothing at all if they are that bad.
It's simple, if they become spoiled brats, they don't receive $$$ as grown ass adults. And yes, their siblings might still get $$$. It's not about control, it's about setting expectations. The adult kid can choose to be a" productive member of society" or not. Their choice. But their choice determines how much we gift them yearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

The husband in question is frugal for himself so he can save for the care of his disabled brother. He is being responsible and the opposite of selfish.

What's wrong with you?

+1, the OP of that thread is acting entitled to someone else’s inheritance.

Raise your kids right, I don’t personally care who you leave your money to but you gotta leave it to someone so it makes sense that a lot if people leave it to their kids.

the reason high net worth people pay for all of those things is because they'd rather the money benefit their family than the government when they die.

Yes, because that money has already been taxed at least 20%, many times at 38/39% (whatever the current highest tax rate is) as well as state taxes as well. So yes, most families don't feel the need to pay the government double taxes just because someone died. The money has already been taxed once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re rich and do a lot for our adult kids but we’d never pay for their kids’ private schools. That’s ridiculous.

Why? If you are going to leave $5-10M for each kid, why wouldn't you want them to have the money before you die? Why wait until they are 60 and the grandkids are 30?

Obviously it's your choice, but there is a lot to be said for wanting to gift the money now so you get to see your kids/grandkids enjoying it/reaping the benefits. If a family wants to live in a large city for both their jobs, often times the public schools are not the best (lets be realistic). So ideally they need private, and if they live in the city it means a shorter commute (often times saving an hour each way) so that means they get more family time daily. If I had millions, why wouldn't I want to help my kid/kid in law and my grandkids to make that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like my parents did for me, I will pay for college, contribute a good amount to wedding, and maybe help with the first downpayment if they marry in their 20s like I did. Other than that, no private school, no cash gifts, nothing! Maybe 529s for grandchildren. Maybe. But I would not want an adult to be as lazy and entitled to their parents’ money as that OP is! I don’t care about the tax savings from gifting $34k each year, it’s not worth fostering that kind of dependence. Earn your own with the privilege you were given and live within that income dammit!

I agree with the OP of that thread. You seem judgmental and controlling, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from the thread referenced here. I am well aware of the financial difficulties that many people face. I get that people often don't have money for gas or groceries. I have relatives who use food banks and give plasma. My parents earned their money through a very unglamorous business and did not grow up wealthy. I grew up in flyover country. In my work I have also lived in some extremely disadvantaged communities (and I mean literally sharing the same housing as people who have nothing ) in the US and abroad If anything it is my DH who is completely out of touch with the financial difficulties people face. He grew up with professional parents in a wealthy suburb and he just doesn't get that their are people who have nothing for retirement let alone to pay the rent or a car repair. You are making some serious generalizations here.

Tell us about how much money you have saved. How much the equity on your current home is? What is the price of home your husband wants? What is price of home you want to get? Then we will determine who is more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what works do you people live in???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

Because you said offering these gifts makes them a little less hungry. Hungry used in this sense generally refers to desire to make money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify are you saying you won’t gift funds over time yet still will leave money at your death? Or are you saying you will set them up to launch well and will leave any remaining money to charity at your death?

If it’s the latter, I 100% agree with you.

I will set them up to launch including the things I mentioned in my OP, give them minimal gifts during their adulthood with the exception of education funds for grandchildren, and let them inherit (in addition to setting up scholarships) if they’ve lived a responsible life. If there are special circumstances like health issues or purposefully going into a very noble but low-paying profession then of course I will reconsider. But the point is to not enable a lifestyle where they are living above their means (big house, private school, $$ vacations) and perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts.

You do you, it's your money.

I'd prefer to see my kids and grandkids enjoy the generational wealth we are beginning as a family while I'm alive, not when my kids are 60+ (I plan to live a good long life)
But if you have raised your kids right, helping them buy a better home in a better area or gifting the grandkids private school is not going to make them "perpetually dissatisfied that they are not receiving more and more handouts".

If they become like that, I'd scale back what I'm giving.

This is the question. Can you “raise your kids right” when you offer these types of gifts? In my experience, it makes the kids just a little less hungry and a little less able to meet their full potential. For most people, there must be some sort of risk to get to reward. I don’t think you can take teach this.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I plan to offer my kids a debt free college. Money for a wedding. Probably will help with a down payment. And all that is a huge leg up. But I won’t contribute to their day to day bills. They need to figure that out on their own.

You think one can only reach their full potential by working to achieve a certain income?

Where did you get income from what I wrote? They have to be responsible for whatever they need as an adult for themselves. If they are happy in a rura town somewhere with a slower pace of life and a LCOL, they need to find a path and career that lets them do that to pay for their needs and a few wants. If their definition of successful is hovering up large sums if money (shudder), then they should do what it takes to get into investment banking or tech or sales or something. If they want to write for a living, they should figure out how to support themselves while they are working on their passion. The key here is the expects of autonomy to achieve your goals which actually helps people work toward what they want for themselves.

if anything, knowing they have some $$ to fall back on would allow them to fully pursue their dreams. Easy to be a social worker, teacher, writer, work at a non-profit (insert any other job that is lower paying) if you have something to fall back on.