Wife stopped at associates degree and now working at Wawa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her Math skills are terrible? Ask her to just take basic foundational Math 101 classes in community college. Ask her to take the most basic Math class first and systematically rebuild her Math foundation. Math is very learnable skill.

More than getting a college degree, she must tackle her fear of Math.

It is probably easy for her to take a class a week in community college and still continue to work at wawa and look after the kids. I agree with others that she is overworked.

It is up to you to help her to make time and go to her class and time to do homework.

You think she's overworked but you want her to study math for the hell of it at community college? She already took math if she he an AA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

No I still have the same job. It was where we could find a house. We had to move further out. That job had zero benefits for her. It wasn't long-term.

[Anonymous]

WaWa is a great place to work. great benefits, upward mobility and growing. Family owned business yet the employees have a great ownership program.

Maybe she will out perform you someday. I hope so and then she can look down on you like you are looking down on her now.

[Anonymous]

Based on your last post, she just started the job and you moved, give her some time to get adjusted and find her way. If you stop pressuring her, she might decide on her own to go back to school or take some additional training. For all we know, Wawa might have a program to assist with college like Starbucks has. Plus she’s still a full time mom so is probably tired, physically and mentally. Ease up a bit on your expectations, show her some grace and understanding, let her know you are proud and appreciative of her sacrifices for the family and let her be. She’s contributing to the family just like you are. Time will work things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

No I still have the same job. It was where we could find a house. We had to move further out. That job had zero benefits for her. It wasn't long-term.

Except that it gave her time to study when she wasn’t responsible for childcare.

I am curious how you had to move so far away that she had to give up her job, but not so far away that you had to give up yours.

I realize these questions probably sound like I’m being nagging and difficult, but I am asking them because I suspect you wildly underestimate how much of your current home life is arranged to accommodate you at her expense, and how your expectation that she go back to school to make you feel better will only compound that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she likes the idea of being away from kids and you in the evening?

Wawa would not be my first choice but if I was a SAHM I could see it as an easy outlet to get out of the house and make a few dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

No I still have the same job. It was where we could find a house. We had to move further out. That job had zero benefits for her. It wasn't long-term.

Except that it gave her time to study when she wasn’t responsible for childcare.

I am curious how you had to move so far away that she had to give up her job, but not so far away that you had to give up yours.

I realize these questions probably sound like I’m being nagging and difficult, but I am asking them because I suspect you wildly underestimate how much of your current home life is arranged to accommodate you at her expense, and how your expectation that she go back to school to make you feel better will only compound that.

I now have a 45 minute commute. She didn't have to give up her commute, but the pay was so low and she felt unsafe driving on the highway at night. There's a lot of wildlife at night. The roads and steep and curved here. We bid on 15 homes. This is the area where it's easier to find a house and the schools are good. We decided together to move here. I make 160k a year and she's making less than 12k. Driving two times a week to work and working from home the other days makes the 160k worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

No I still have the same job. It was where we could find a house. We had to move further out. That job had zero benefits for her. It wasn't long-term.

Except that it gave her time to study when she wasn’t responsible for childcare.

I am curious how you had to move so far away that she had to give up her job, but not so far away that you had to give up yours.

I realize these questions probably sound like I’m being nagging and difficult, but I am asking them because I suspect you wildly underestimate how much of your current home life is arranged to accommodate you at her expense, and how your expectation that she go back to school to make you feel better will only compound that.

I now have a 45 minute commute. She didn't have to give up her commute, but the pay was so low and she felt unsafe driving on the highway at night. There's a lot of wildlife at night. The roads and steep and curved here. We bid on 15 homes. This is the area where it's easier to find a house and the schools are good. We decided together to move here. I make 160k a year and she's making less than 12k. Driving two times a week to work and working from home the other days makes the 160k worth it.

I can appreciate why it made sense for her to give up her job under those circumstances, but I hope you appreciate that it was something she gave up for the benefit of the entire family. You don’t seem to give her much credit for what she does and has done for you and the family, other than her AA degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

No I still have the same job. It was where we could find a house. We had to move further out. That job had zero benefits for her. It wasn't long-term.

Except that it gave her time to study when she wasn’t responsible for childcare.

I am curious how you had to move so far away that she had to give up her job, but not so far away that you had to give up yours.

I realize these questions probably sound like I’m being nagging and difficult, but I am asking them because I suspect you wildly underestimate how much of your current home life is arranged to accommodate you at her expense, and how your expectation that she go back to school to make you feel better will only compound that.

I now have a 45 minute commute. She didn't have to give up her commute, but the pay was so low and she felt unsafe driving on the highway at night. There's a lot of wildlife at night. The roads and steep and curved here. We bid on 15 homes. This is the area where it's easier to find a house and the schools are good. We decided together to move here. I make 160k a year and she's making less than 12k. Driving two times a week to work and working from home the other days makes the 160k worth it.

I can appreciate why it made sense for her to give up her job under those circumstances, but I hope you appreciate that it was something she gave up for the benefit of the entire family. You don’t seem to give her much credit for what she does and has done for you and the family, other than her AA degree.

I do appreciate her. I am trying to help her. Since math is a big reason why she doesn't want to finish a 4-year degree, I don't want her to give up now. She worked so hard applying to different colleges and looking for colleges that would accept her math credits and she achieved the math requirements for a 4 year degree already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her Math skills are terrible? Ask her to just take basic foundational Math 101 classes in community college. Ask her to take the most basic Math class first and systematically rebuild her Math foundation. Math is very learnable skill.

More than getting a college degree, she must tackle her fear of Math.

It is probably easy for her to take a class a week in community college and still continue to work at wawa and look after the kids. I agree with others that she is overworked.

It is up to you to help her to make time and go to her class and time to do homework.

You think she's overworked but you want her to study math for the hell of it at community college? She already took math if she he an AA.

But she is bad at Math and Math is an essential skill for further education. So she needs to start again and start from the bottom. She takes only one course per semester so the load is not too much. Even if she becomes a SAHM, she does not want to be useless in teaching her kids Math.

Her DH needs to help her with the kids, she has to cut down her shift in WaWa, and she has to work on the basics of her education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her Math skills are terrible? Ask her to just take basic foundational Math 101 classes in community college. Ask her to take the most basic Math class first and systematically rebuild her Math foundation. Math is very learnable skill.

More than getting a college degree, she must tackle her fear of Math.

It is probably easy for her to take a class a week in community college and still continue to work at wawa and look after the kids. I agree with others that she is overworked.

It is up to you to help her to make time and go to her class and time to do homework.

You think she's overworked but you want her to study math for the hell of it at community college? She already took math if she he an AA.

But she is bad at Math and Math is an essential skill for further education. So she needs to start again and start from the bottom. She takes only one course per semester so the load is not too much. Even if she becomes a SAHM, she does not want to be useless in teaching her kids Math.

Her DH needs to help her with the kids, she has to cut down her shift in WaWa, and she has to work on the basics of her education.

She has already done that, according to the OP. She has enough math to get a bachelor's degree, according to him. He also has a Ph.D. in math. He can teach the kids math. Plenty of people suck at math and they are doing okay. One parent who is good with numbers is good enough. They are better off than the average American family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are embarassed your wife works at WaWa.

I agree. I also don’t know that OP has considered the effect on his work if she did have a different occupation. You wanted her to work, and she does work, at a reputable company. If she got a part-time job at a non-profit would it be preferred? I think it would be, to you. So, it’s really something you need to become comfortable with as this is something you have inside of you for the expectations she is unable to meet. They were expectations, not reality. If you love her and you respect her, you need to accept who she is and not push her to be something you think she needs to be for your own esteem or stress level. There are ways to ensure financial viability for your family. Maybe see a Financial Advisor….often EAP offers them through the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Get life insurance.

+1 there a few issues at play here:

1. Yes, get life insurance. A lot of couples, including two working couples, have life insurance. We both earn a decent salary, so we got enough life insurance to pay the mortgage. Our mortgage is now much less than our life insurance, so some of that can even pay for college. If you have kids, and you can afford it, it's irresponsible to not have life insurance.

2. IMO, she may or may not regret getting a college degree. But she can always go back after your kids are in school FT.

3. My sister was somewhat in a similar situation as your wife. Having no family support is really difficult when trying to raise your kids and work or go to school or whatever. Sure, lots of people do it, but it's not easy.
Sounds like she is depressed about not being around her family.

4. She may be depressed and feel hopeless about getting a degree and have just given up. Again, my sister was in the same boat. Very bad at math. I don't know much about being a kindergarten teacher, so I don't know if it requires higher level math, but my sister even struggled with Geometry and beyond. She suspects she may have a learning disability, but she's now like 58, so she's given up on a degree.

I think deep down yes, my sister regrets not getting a degree. Both her kids have degrees, one has a masters, though it was a long road for them to get there (that's another story). But, even when the kids were older and in school FT, my sister ended up being almost like a single mom because her DH traveled a lot for work, and her one kid had some issues going on. I think she was just too tired to go back to school.

Is this really about worrying about her regretting giving up or you wanting her to have that degree and achieve something?

If you really want her to be able to get a degree later, then make sure you are supportive of her, including with child care issues (still required when the kids are older), housechores, etc.

Op here. She worked so hard to get the AA. She does have learning disabilities, but she found a way to work around that. She has all the math needed to pursue a bachelor's in criminal justice or communication. If she puts it off, the requirements will most likely change, and she will need to take more math classes. She has been taking online classes and we have a babysitter once a week. In her last position, she studied during work. She could study for 6 out of the eight hours. We moved a few weeks ago, and she got the job at Wawa, which allows for no studying.

So you’ve moved a second time to a place that required her to give up a beneficial job? Let me guess, this move was to benefit your career.

No I still have the same job. It was where we could find a house. We had to move further out. That job had zero benefits for her. It wasn't long-term.

Except that it gave her time to study when she wasn’t responsible for childcare.

I am curious how you had to move so far away that she had to give up her job, but not so far away that you had to give up yours.

I realize these questions probably sound like I’m being nagging and difficult, but I am asking them because I suspect you wildly underestimate how much of your current home life is arranged to accommodate you at her expense, and how your expectation that she go back to school to make you feel better will only compound that.

I now have a 45 minute commute. She didn't have to give up her commute, but the pay was so low and she felt unsafe driving on the highway at night. There's a lot of wildlife at night. The roads and steep and curved here. We bid on 15 homes. This is the area where it's easier to find a house and the schools are good. We decided together to move here. I make 160k a year and she's making less than 12k. Driving two times a week to work and working from home the other days makes the 160k worth it.

I can appreciate why it made sense for her to give up her job under those circumstances, but I hope you appreciate that it was something she gave up for the benefit of the entire family. You don’t seem to give her much credit for what she does and has done for you and the family, other than her AA degree.

I do appreciate her. I am trying to help her. Since math is a big reason why she doesn't want to finish a 4-year degree, I don't want her to give up now. She worked so hard applying to different colleges and looking for colleges that would accept her math credits and she achieved the math requirements for a 4 year degree already.

Maybe you should try listening to her instead of assuming you know better than she does what she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start by moving back to where you lived before, where she has family nearby and better job prospects. The theme I see running through your post uses how you keep expecting her to make sacrifices for your goals and preferences.

Also, there is a pretty big disconnect between you saying you’re fine with her not working but also wanting her to put herself in a position for a better job by finishing her bachelor's. How much of this is about wanting to save for college, and how much is your embarrassment that your PhD-in-math self is married to someone who works at Wawa?

That won't work. My job allows us to pay the mortgage and save more. I need to be around big pharmaceutical companies. I'm not embarrassed by her education. Since she has an opportunity to pursue a bachelor's, it makes since to do it now. If something happens to me, she won't be able to pay the mortgage.

yes, this is why you BOTH get a term life insurance policy that ensures the survivor has enough money to pay off the house and pay for the kids educations.