How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

[Anonymous]

This kind of thing - knowing exactly what to say to you and how to not be too positive while still being supportive - is above the pay grade for the average person who hasn’t been trained in counseling.

I’d save your fears and desire for realism when talking to a therapist who has trained for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friends have been inwardly screaming at you for years to LEAVE THE ALCOHOLIC ABUSER, ALREADY. The fact that you have any friends left should leave you feeling grateful.

+1

Op i would not have stayed around to listen to you lament the alcoholic abuser for five plus years. It is remarkable they have lasted this long and yes, i do believe they ARE truly happy for you right now!

[Anonymous]

They have been kind to deal with you as you have undoubtedly complained for years. Just be grateful they are still around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them flat out, "I just want you to say, "Damn, this really sucks and is SO hard. I am SO sorry you're going through this."

Ask for what you need.

This is what I suggest too. I have an acquaintance who is so positive that she contradicts pretty much anything I say that isn't all sunshine and roses. I've learned not to share anything past the weather with her. However, with close friends, I've learned to say something like the above.

[Anonymous]

"I'm entitled to feel how I feel."

"It's okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated/apathetic sometimes. If it's all the time, it's an issue. But I get to have my bad days."

"You know, talking about my negative feelings helps me process them. If I can just feel my anger or sadness for a bit, and either validate it myself for get some validation from someone else, it makes it easier for me to move forward. But I have to actually FEEL those feelings. Looking on the bright side all the time can feel like just shoving them to the side or ignoring them. I need some time to feel them. And it might take more than an hour or a day, and that's okay."

If you focus on your feelings and what you need, instead of on criticizing how they are approaching it, it will have more resonance (or should). If they persist in the toxic positivity, you might need to come to terms with the idea that they don't have capacity to sit with your negative feelings right now (for any number of reasons) and note that these are not the right people to talk to about this stuff. This is why support groups were invented -- so many people just don't have much capacity for this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

OP I am/was in your exact situation but with one kid and a bit further along in the process. You have articulated so well why it is hard to hear other people's positivity on this. I am happy to listen to you and give you a view from further along.

Spoiler, I have not found someone, dating is all but impossible, money is tight, and it all feels like so much to handle alone. Throw in some health scares & I was just about ready to resign earlier this year. It is in many ways still better than the walking on eggshells, the constant paranoia and living in fear/silence/double life of living with an abuser while maintaining a facade to the world; the unpredictable but frequent attacks & rage benders, the violence, ignoring the drinking and its effects, the hours and days lost to hammer calls, leaving the house with kid to be away from him, nights in hotels to be safe, constant barrage of insults and verbal abuse, constant taking away of anything resembling hope or dreams.

That said, my hopes and dreams will not come true now anyway. Life is just a struggle to get by, and my kid has a much less of what they deserve in life, and is growing up with just a fraction of one parent who is constantly too busy with work and adulting to be really present. Dad swoops in from time to time but I have otherwise full custody. One parent is not enough, at least when that parent is me.

Friends have been wonderful and stuck around but because I value their friendship so much I have been very limited in dumping my situation & feelings on them. Even with that they feel more distant in some ways than before. I think they want me to be "healthy" and "in a better pace" and if they plan to be friends with me cannot really accept that my life is not that good and probably will not get better. Basically they have to either deny my reality or spend more time with better-off friends. It's sad but in midlife most people do not have time for anyone who is not a net positive or improvement or has something to offer their own life. My best friend dumped me during my divorce too and she was the one person I thought I could be honest with. It's lonely and although I am still young enough to anesthetize myself with the thought that maybe something will change, time will tell, and I am just dealing with the reality that the best part of my life probably already happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm entitled to feel how I feel."

"It's okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated/apathetic sometimes. If it's all the time, it's an issue. But I get to have my bad days."

"You know, talking about my negative feelings helps me process them. If I can just feel my anger or sadness for a bit, and either validate it myself for get some validation from someone else, it makes it easier for me to move forward. But I have to actually FEEL those feelings. Looking on the bright side all the time can feel like just shoving them to the side or ignoring them. I need some time to feel them. And it might take more than an hour or a day, and that's okay."

If you focus on your feelings and what you need, instead of on criticizing how they are approaching it, it will have more resonance (or should). If they persist in the toxic positivity, you might need to come to terms with the idea that they don't have capacity to sit with your negative feelings right now (for any number of reasons) and note that these are not the right people to talk to about this stuff. This is why support groups were invented -- so many people just don't have much capacity for this sort of thing.

omg do not ever say this unless you are talking to a therapist you pay $200/hr.

[Anonymous]

OP I think what matters is their INTENT and their INTENT is good. If you could figure out a way to gently guide them ...

[Anonymous]

My mother would say things Luke this and actually believe it. She told her younger sister the same in a similar situation when the rest of us were mourning what could have been. My mother qas right and we were wrong. Some people are extremely optimistic. And it's not always a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

I am in a totally different situation— health related— and I am also frustrated by “toxic positivity” from friends. They only want to hear positive feelings from me but I am struggling.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask...

Why are you paying him alimony? Uneven income? Still, sounds particularly wrong here based on his history.

Yeah, I know I didn't answer your question. I think your friends really are trying to find a bright spot for you. Especially in light of YOU paying HIM. What they want to say is " How did that happen?" But they know they cannot, so this is the next best thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're trying to cheer you up but don't know how.

I would say something like, "I know you're trying to get me to think positively, but I really don't want to think further ahead and just focus on getting through it. Why don't you tell me about your kids?"

This is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

If only there were intelligent adult responses that were neither negativity nor toxic positivity.

Oh, wait! Good news. There are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I divorced I had no friends. Nada. Would've preferred even shallow "thoughts and prayers" than feeling absolutely alone.

Yep. My best friend froze me out after when l was divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother would say things Luke this and actually believe it. She told her younger sister the same in a similar situation when the rest of us were mourning what could have been. My mother qas right and we were wrong. Some people are extremely optimistic. And it's not always a bad thing.

Ugh. Just stop.