How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

[Anonymous]

Most people don't sign on to be friends during something like a nasty divorce. Most people sign on to be friends with people who are okay. You said you were seeing a therapist, and that's where you should be discussing honestly the frightening reality that you will be facing. Don't blame your friends for not being able to do that for you.

Don't cut them off or hold it against them. You will be glad to have them as friends when you're over this and on the other side.

Good luck with your future, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my late 40s and have two young kids and on the verge of divorcing an abusive, alcoholic husband. It’s probably five years overdue but I’m doing it. It’s obviously hard and sad and I realize that my life as a divorced mom with primary responsibility for two young children and a full time job will be really hard. I don’t have any family help - my dad is elderly, my mom deceased, and my sister is overseas and contending with her own issues. My in laws, unsurprisingly, froze me out the second they learned I was seeking to divorce.

Not saying it will be a rose garden, but won't it be more joyful and safer than life with an abusive, alcoholic husband? I think your friends might only be trying to acknowledge that accompanying the difficulty there will be good things, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

Oh, so if your friend or neighbor got a terminal cancer diagnosis, you wouldn't honor that reality, you'd just be like, "I'm sure your team of doctors is WRONG and you'll be doing cartwheels by next Sunday!"?

Or would you wish them well in a realistic and authentic way? "I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, and I hope your treatments help and that you are comfortable. I am available to do X or Y or anything that might be helpful."

Do you see the difference between toxic positivity and simply being there for someone?

A better analogy would be going through a brutal treatment with an excellent prognosis. And in that case I’d absolutely say “think how great the life will be afterwards”

[Anonymous]

Just tell them: "I know what you're saying, but it feels impossible right now to even think about that. I just need to vent about how I'm feeling right now."

But also consider whether you might be wallowing in your feelings when you're around them. If all you're doing is going on and on about how hard life will be, it can be a bit much even for wonderful friends who genuinely want to help.

[Anonymous]

OP - I really hear you. Not that this is totally the same, but my mother and I were recently talking about my sister's baby, who has a degenerative disease that is going to kill her.

My sister told me how much it bothers her when people tell her they believe there'll be a miracle for this baby. I feel like she does - I don't find it comforting at all to think in terms of miracles. Like you, when faced with a really hard situation I prefer to keep my mind on what is likely and realistic. It's not that I can't abide hope, it's that I don't find hope to be helpful.

My mother looked shocked. She said she needs to believe there may be a miracle. She needs to hold onto hope. Your friend may just be a person like my mother, whose brain has to cling onto hope like that - and I think people whose brains are like that really don't understand people whose brains are more like ours. I think they think they can talk is into it.

I would approach my friend with empathy and straightforwardness. Maybe just say, "I love you for thinking these hopeful things. But to me, they are causing me more stress. I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive to you, but I really need you to not tell me that everything is going to be great. You can think it, but please don't say it."

I would probably soften it up a lot when having the conversation - I am a people pleaser - but I think if you're going to stay friends with this person and not eventually blow up at them, you need to have this conversation.

Good luck with what's ahead!

[Anonymous]

I don't think that the first two examples are toxic positivity - they seem reasonably plausible. But you can let your friends know politely that, although you do appreciate that they think things will get better, you need their support and understanding of the difficult time that you are going through right now.

[Anonymous]

Your friends are responding to you. Quit talking about the soon to be ex. (That’s what therapy is for). They will take your lead.

[Anonymous]

This is an excellent topic of discussion for your therapist. I am being treated for metastatic cancer and I had to work through my husband’s tendency to shut down my worries and constantly exhort me to “think positively and don’t give up!” Of course he was/is terrified that I am going to die and needs
me to fight, but it felt like I couldn’t express myself. We worked through this with my therapist, who gave us the right language to communicate better.

In the case of your friends, I imagine they are looking at the long game in which you WILL be okay and that your childrens’ lives will be so much better when their home situations is less chaotic and safer. But it will be hard and good friends will be there to help. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe they're not able to listen to you complain anymore.

[Anonymous]

Your friends have been inwardly screaming at you for years to LEAVE THE ALCOHOLIC ABUSER, ALREADY. The fact that you have any friends left should leave you feeling grateful.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for the thoughtful replies. It’s good to hear your perspectives and talked me off a ledge a bit. I do appreciate the encouragement from friends. I also hear you - save concerns for therapy. I mostly do, though occasionally a friend will ask how I’m doing or how things are going and I answer honestly (not too much detail but what’s on my mind).

Anyway, thank you. I needed these posts today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an excellent topic of discussion for your therapist. I am being treated for metastatic cancer and I had to work through my husband’s tendency to shut down my worries and constantly exhort me to “think positively and don’t give up!” Of course he was/is terrified that I am going to die and needs
me to fight, but it felt like I couldn’t express myself. We worked through this with my therapist, who gave us the right language to communicate better.

In the case of your friends, I imagine they are looking at the long game in which you WILL be okay and that your childrens’ lives will be so much better when their home situations is less chaotic and safer. But it will be hard and good friends will be there to help. Good luck to you.

Thank you, PP. Wishing you health and recovery. And yes, grateful for good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for the thoughtful replies. It’s good to hear your perspectives and talked me off a ledge a bit. I do appreciate the encouragement from friends. I also hear you - save concerns for therapy. I mostly do, though occasionally a friend will ask how I’m doing or how things are going and I answer honestly (not too much detail but what’s on my mind).

Anyway, thank you. I needed these posts today.

Atta girl, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I really hear you. Not that this is totally the same, but my mother and I were recently talking about my sister's baby, who has a degenerative disease that is going to kill her.

My sister told me how much it bothers her when people tell her they believe there'll be a miracle for this baby. I feel like she does - I don't find it comforting at all to think in terms of miracles. Like you, when faced with a really hard situation I prefer to keep my mind on what is likely and realistic. It's not that I can't abide hope, it's that I don't find hope to be helpful.

My mother looked shocked. She said she needs to believe there may be a miracle. She needs to hold onto hope. Your friend may just be a person like my mother, whose brain has to cling onto hope like that - and I think people whose brains are like that really don't understand people whose brains are more like ours. I think they think they can talk is into it.

I would approach my friend with empathy and straightforwardness. Maybe just say, "I love you for thinking these hopeful things. But to me, they are causing me more stress. I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive to you, but I really need you to not tell me that everything is going to be great. You can think it, but please don't say it."

I would probably soften it up a lot when having the conversation - I am a people pleaser - but I think if you're going to stay friends with this person and not eventually blow up at them, you need to have this conversation.

Good luck with what's ahead!

Thank you, PP. This is excellent perspective and hadn’t really considered that my friends may also need to cling to hope so they can navigate what’s a tough situation (my divorce has certainly affected some friend dynamics). I’m also so sorry about your niece’s illness.

[Anonymous]

I heard on a podcast recently that when we get anxious about negative stuff that *might* happen in the future, we never do the opposite get excited about stuff that *might* happen in the future. It really helped give me perspective because none of know the ripple effect of any one action. Sometimes friends try to get our chin up, rather than keeping us stuck in commiseration. At least long term.

You've got this OP!