How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

[Anonymous]

I have some good friends who know and understand my situation. They’ve been supportive through some dark times. Now, however, I find myself really bothered by what I’d describe as “toxic positivity”. A continually drumbeat of wishful thinking that not only feels really out of touch with what I’m facing but also diminishes the realities of what life will be like for me (will owe alimony to drunk and unstable husband, diminished income, single mother, etc). When I express concerns or worries I get “It’s going to be fine - you never know, you might meet the right person”, or “In no time it will get easier - you’ll feel so good having this behind you,” or “Don’t worry, you can make up the lost $$$” …. These are just not likely true and I get people trying to be upbeat but I’d really like them to cut the BS. Because they know better.

How do I politely let them know that I appreciate the positivity, but the reality is that my life will be hard and I’m not going to find a rainbow and a pot of gold anywhere? There is no white knight. I need them to be supportive without blowing silly sunshine. How do I express this? By the way, I don’t often express my worries - I save that for therapy. But on the rare occasion I do, I get this saccharine Pollyanna stuff.

They may well be overly optimistic in the way they are characterizing the future, but honestly, perhaps understandably, your outlook is overly negative. It sounds like you have been through a lot, but part of the reason their responses sound "false" to you is that you are assuming the most negative possible outcome for yourself. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

People say the things that would comfort them, and many don't have the same perspective as you do.

I would say something like "You may be right, but that's not what I need to hear right now. I just need an someone to listen to me vent and help me focus on putting one step in front of the other to get through this."

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to pile on, OP, because you are going through a terrible time and I’m sure you are feeling vulnerable. But it sounds like you are strong, have a good job, and the support of a good therapist and caring friends. You will get through this and you will be okay. I was raised by a single mom and we were pretty poor, but we were safe and loved and both my brother and I think we had a good childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what many people do. I got a lot of it when I was diagnosed with cancer. They mean well, but it is a knee jerk, superficial response.

Really great friends/family listen to where YOU are at, and validate your feelings (unless they are destructive). But that is a high bar, and most people are average.

Maybe that’s all you are looking for, but I look for friends that lift me up, cheer me up, help me to see the possible, offer up solutions. Maybe OP just doesn’t have the right friends for her.

Um, that's exactly what they're doing and it's pissing OP off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want to pile on, OP, because you are going through a terrible time and I’m sure you are feeling vulnerable. But it sounds like you are strong, have a good job, and the support of a good therapist and caring friends. You will get through this and you will be okay. I was raised by a single mom and we were pretty poor, but we were safe and loved and both my brother and I think we had a good childhood.

You're asking for trouble, PP.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds very set in her ways, inflexible and somewhat toxic herself. I was SAHM to a very abusive husband, no job, no money on lawyers. Yet I was not so bitter or blamed my friends for anything. I accepted their well wishes knowing they do wish me well.

[Anonymous]

Dare you to say, “Sure, Jan.”

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP!

So many women are in horrible marriages - yet continue to remain married because they are too afraid to “disrupt” their children’s lives.

They claim they will stay in bad marriages until the kids head off to college.

What they don’t understand here is that they are short selling themselves on years of happiness.
By wasting away their lives - they may later on become bitter + resentful.
And their kids will have a horrible example to refer back to as to what constitutes a normal, happy & successful marriage.

OP, I totally get what you are relaying here.
I just think your friends are trying to be positive in regards to this brand-new change in your life.
No one would dare say, “While you and your kids will have a much lower standard of living, your life may hit rock bottom. You may struggle more w/out a life partner even if he was very toxic. You will feel like you have let your children down and they are likely going to resent you for a very long time. You will have to shell out a ton of extra money for therapy but this is how life is. Sucks but so does life.”

Try to understand they truly have your best interests in mind in whatever they tell you. 🥰