How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

That is a really odd analogy.

It is not an odd analogy.

If I beat you up, it's not your fault for not taking a karate class since age 6, although that sure would help avoid the situation.
If I get into your house and steal your valuables, it's not your fault for not having triple alarms and 5 pitbulls around, although that sure would help avoid the situation.

All this therapy talk is women trying to tell themselves that this would never happen to them, because they are somehow immune - they did not grow up with abusive parents or whatever it us that they think protects them. The only thing that can protect you is the ability to walk away, which is what OP is already doing. No need to pile up.

NP.

Every single woman I know with problems in her marriage ( pretty much all of us because no one is perfect) had most of these problems before marriage.

It's pretty bad timing to be talking about this now, but OP needs to reflect on how she missed those signs. It's rude to bring this up now because OP is asking an unrelated question. But let's not pretend that many of OPs husbands character flaws appeared about of nowhere. They were there from the beginning.

Most human beings are somewhat decent. If you marry a completely useless one, you ignored the signs. These people are not capable of hiding who they truly are for more than a couple of weeks/ months.

My experience - my actual lived experience - is different than what you’ve described. Moreover, with abuse, the “signs” are often fleeting and easily normalized at first. My husband was doting, complimentary, and adoring for the first year of our dating. I barely saw him drink and when he did it was a beer or a glass of wine. But the water gets hot slowly and I can assure you that this is part of how abusers operate by design.

But I digress - I’m not going to defend myself. Just know that the trope of “she should have known better” is what keeps this kind of cycle going for current and future victims and is a superficial take on the research behind abuse, at best.

It takes years to birth 3 kids . When did he become abusive drunkard ?

I had a typo up thread. It’s two children in ES and they’re twins. It took about 38 weeks to gestate them. So no, a little less than a year.

Ok, so now it's 2 children and not 3. This explains it. Please, do go to a therapist

You have reading comprehension issues. The OP stated from the start that she has two kids. There was one post I think where she mentions three - clearly a typo. Maybe you go to therapy and get some tutoring in reading fundamentals.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest talking to your therapist about this stuff, because you seem very mired down in the worst case scenarios here in a way that suggests you could have some unmanaged depression and/or anxiety that needs to be addressed.

Yes, you will be a single parent to two kids, and it will be hard to do everything on your own. But not as hard as doing everything on your own while also having to share space with an abusive drunk who doesn’t help, so your life will be easier post-divorce. No, it won’t be easy, but it isn’t easy for most people even if they don’t go through a divorce.

Yes, you will have to pay three years of alimony. But three years is relatively little time in the over scheme of it, and then you will get the benefit of keeping your higher earnings for yourself rather than sharing them with an un/underemployed layabout. You will be better off afterward for it.

Yes, you have to give up half your retirement and that sucks. But when you are not married, your post-retirement needs go down significantly, which will help offset the impact of the split. You will need to make up ground, but if your earning are significant enough for your STBX to get an alimony award, you should have the resources to do it. Especially if you have kids young enough that solo parenting is so daunting, because retirement is presumably 15-20 or more years away anyway.

Yes, it’s possible you will never meet someone else, but presumably being single is more appealing than staying in a bad marriage so being single isn’t all that bad. And the that’s your worst case, that you stay single but still apparently have plenty of friends to give you a social network, and you can live your life on your own terms. That is not a bad thing.

So yes, what you are going through is really tough. But your friends are not wrong when they point out that there is life post-divorce and that you might even be happy if you’re open to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

That is a really odd analogy.

It is not an odd analogy.

If I beat you up, it's not your fault for not taking a karate class since age 6, although that sure would help avoid the situation.
If I get into your house and steal your valuables, it's not your fault for not having triple alarms and 5 pitbulls around, although that sure would help avoid the situation.

All this therapy talk is women trying to tell themselves that this would never happen to them, because they are somehow immune - they did not grow up with abusive parents or whatever it us that they think protects them. The only thing that can protect you is the ability to walk away, which is what OP is already doing. No need to pile up.

There is a huge difference between events of rape and home invasion versus a well-off woman living with an alcoholic. Or marrying an alcoholic or someone who didn’t appear like he would be a great partner from get go. Marriage abs staying in it for years, birthing children is within OP control. Attracts from strangers are outside her control.

You are making a huge assumption here. Hope you realize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

That is a really odd analogy.

It is not an odd analogy.

If I beat you up, it's not your fault for not taking a karate class since age 6, although that sure would help avoid the situation.
If I get into your house and steal your valuables, it's not your fault for not having triple alarms and 5 pitbulls around, although that sure would help avoid the situation.

All this therapy talk is women trying to tell themselves that this would never happen to them, because they are somehow immune - they did not grow up with abusive parents or whatever it us that they think protects them. The only thing that can protect you is the ability to walk away, which is what OP is already doing. No need to pile up.

NP.

Every single woman I know with problems in her marriage ( pretty much all of us because no one is perfect) had most of these problems before marriage.

It's pretty bad timing to be talking about this now, but OP needs to reflect on how she missed those signs. It's rude to bring this up now because OP is asking an unrelated question. But let's not pretend that many of OPs husbands character flaws appeared about of nowhere. They were there from the beginning.

Most human beings are somewhat decent. If you marry a completely useless one, you ignored the signs. These people are not capable of hiding who they truly are for more than a couple of weeks/ months.

Maybe OP can save that for after she actually gets through this divorce, eh? How about that?

People on this site are really heartless and cruel. I feel like this ^ is actually where a lot of toxic positivity comes from. It's some idiotic self-help notion that you "manifest" all the bad and all the good that ever happens to you. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest talking to your therapist about this stuff, because you seem very mired down in the worst case scenarios here in a way that suggests you could have some unmanaged depression and/or anxiety that needs to be addressed.

Yes, you will be a single parent to two kids, and it will be hard to do everything on your own. But not as hard as doing everything on your own while also having to share space with an abusive drunk who doesn’t help, so your life will be easier post-divorce. No, it won’t be easy, but it isn’t easy for most people even if they don’t go through a divorce.

Yes, you will have to pay three years of alimony. But three years is relatively little time in the over scheme of it, and then you will get the benefit of keeping your higher earnings for yourself rather than sharing them with an un/underemployed layabout. You will be better off afterward for it.

Yes, you have to give up half your retirement and that sucks. But when you are not married, your post-retirement needs go down significantly, which will help offset the impact of the split. You will need to make up ground, but if your earning are significant enough for your STBX to get an alimony award, you should have the resources to do it. Especially if you have kids young enough that solo parenting is so daunting, because retirement is presumably 15-20 or more years away anyway.

Yes, it’s possible you will never meet someone else, but presumably being single is more appealing than staying in a bad marriage so being single isn’t all that bad. And the that’s your worst case, that you stay single but still apparently have plenty of friends to give you a social network, and you can live your life on your own terms. That is not a bad thing.

So yes, what you are going through is really tough. But your friends are not wrong when they point out that there is life post-divorce and that you might even be happy if you’re open to it.

This is one of the best responses in this thread. Just one nit picking thing - OP, the bolded is probably not true. I am an actuary, and in divorce cases people usually give up half of retirement earned while married, which is not the same. Given that you worked before the marriage, have years to go until retirement and your highest earning years are ahead of you, you may be giving up only 20-25% of your retirement. Are you splitting a defined benefit or defined contribution plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

There are many documented factors that make a woman get raped, you know, like wearing a short skirt and otherwise asking for it. So...

You are an embarrassment, PP. I know you're trying to be clever but you're not. Just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

That is a really odd analogy.

It is not an odd analogy.

If I beat you up, it's not your fault for not taking a karate class since age 6, although that sure would help avoid the situation.
If I get into your house and steal your valuables, it's not your fault for not having triple alarms and 5 pitbulls around, although that sure would help avoid the situation.

All this therapy talk is women trying to tell themselves that this would never happen to them, because they are somehow immune - they did not grow up with abusive parents or whatever it us that they think protects them. The only thing that can protect you is the ability to walk away, which is what OP is already doing. No need to pile up.

If you have a party and invite the convict from next door who was just released from prison for theft, what do you think will happen? Sure, random burglaries happen, but if you invite a thief into your home, you're going to get robbed. OP made a CHOICE of who to marry. She wasn't randomly assigned some guy. She picked him, and she picked him for a reason, probably a reason unknown to her. She can figure that part out. Don't be stupid PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

I’m the OP. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life to address, among other issues, my marriage and dynamics of my childhood that may have contributed to me marrying “such a man”. The fact is, yes, I grew up in a home with a very functional but nonetheless alcoholic mother who could also be abusive. But the other part of the equation is that abusers - particularly those like my husband - very often start off as charming, kind, loving, and doting. The red flags are elusive, especially if you don’t understand the way abuse works (cycles, etc). Once the abuse became apparent - as did the drinking - it was hard to leave with three young kids. I had no family, little money (at the time my husband controlled all of our money), and the options were sleeping in a car (that’s not a very safe / easy thing when you’ve got two toddlers in tow and are trying to make it to your job in the morning to keep some money coming in). Also, my husband could be really scary. I worried about him hunting me down in his rages. I still do.

Add to that the kinds of comments like yours - your insinuation is that somehow I brought this on myself and I need to figure out what’s broken in me to address that. I wholeheartedly reject that and feel confident you don’t have much first-hand education or expertise in this realm to assert that. The “numerous studies” support my perspective and no, I’m not going to go deep on that here.

But your comment is the kind that shuts people down, shames them, and makes it harder for victims to come forward. How many times did I hear that if I was smarter, nicer, prettier, more successful, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like the one I was in? No, I didn’t bring this on myself and yes, I’m doing all the work to recover and ensure I don’t end up with another person - in any capacity - who resembles my husband. But please be more considerate because your insinuation isn’t just uneducated, it’s harmful.

No one says that. I call bullshit. Most of us find someone who is like our family growing up, because that feels comfortable to us, it feels real. You say your mom was an alcoholic and could be abusive, yet there is no connection between having a parent like that and choosing an abusive alcoholic as a spouse. Oh brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

Oh, so if your friend or neighbor got a terminal cancer diagnosis, you wouldn't honor that reality, you'd just be like, "I'm sure your team of doctors is WRONG and you'll be doing cartwheels by next Sunday!"?

Or would you wish them well in a realistic and authentic way? "I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, and I hope your treatments help and that you are comfortable. I am available to do X or Y or anything that might be helpful."

Do you see the difference between toxic positivity and simply being there for someone?

Try using a more relevant example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

I’m the OP. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life to address, among other issues, my marriage and dynamics of my childhood that may have contributed to me marrying “such a man”. The fact is, yes, I grew up in a home with a very functional but nonetheless alcoholic mother who could also be abusive. But the other part of the equation is that abusers - particularly those like my husband - very often start off as charming, kind, loving, and doting. The red flags are elusive, especially if you don’t understand the way abuse works (cycles, etc). Once the abuse became apparent - as did the drinking - it was hard to leave with three young kids. I had no family, little money (at the time my husband controlled all of our money), and the options were sleeping in a car (that’s not a very safe / easy thing when you’ve got two toddlers in tow and are trying to make it to your job in the morning to keep some money coming in). Also, my husband could be really scary. I worried about him hunting me down in his rages. I still do.

Add to that the kinds of comments like yours - your insinuation is that somehow I brought this on myself and I need to figure out what’s broken in me to address that. I wholeheartedly reject that and feel confident you don’t have much first-hand education or expertise in this realm to assert that. The “numerous studies” support my perspective and no, I’m not going to go deep on that here.

But your comment is the kind that shuts people down, shames them, and makes it harder for victims to come forward. How many times did I hear that if I was smarter, nicer, prettier, more successful, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like the one I was in? No, I didn’t bring this on myself and yes, I’m doing all the work to recover and ensure I don’t end up with another person - in any capacity - who resembles my husband. But please be more considerate because your insinuation isn’t just uneducated, it’s harmful.

OP - didn’t you see the red flags after the first baby? Why did you continue having babies with him? I lived with an abusive (but very rich) husband for 15 years. He showed the true colors on a 2nd year of marriage, when our only child was new born. I didn’t have any reservations about my exH and took full responsibility for staying with him. I did it for money: had no job, wouldn’t have a nice house or a school for my child if we divorced before I stood up; didn’t have family in the US to support me.
Once I started earning enough, I left and it took 13 more years. But I didn’t have more children with him knowing I would leave

My two kids are twins. So I “didn’t keep having babies with him”. Good for you for doing everything the right way with full knowledge and ownership of every decision you were making and with such insight into the big picture. Really amazing.

It's hard to be on your side, OP. You're really defensive and rude. No doubt you view people on this thread who are trying to help you the same way you view your friends trying to help you feel better. Everything is just one more tennis ball to be hit back at them. This is a useless endeavor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

I’m the OP. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life to address, among other issues, my marriage and dynamics of my childhood that may have contributed to me marrying “such a man”. The fact is, yes, I grew up in a home with a very functional but nonetheless alcoholic mother who could also be abusive. But the other part of the equation is that abusers - particularly those like my husband - very often start off as charming, kind, loving, and doting. The red flags are elusive, especially if you don’t understand the way abuse works (cycles, etc). Once the abuse became apparent - as did the drinking - it was hard to leave with three young kids. I had no family, little money (at the time my husband controlled all of our money), and the options were sleeping in a car (that’s not a very safe / easy thing when you’ve got two toddlers in tow and are trying to make it to your job in the morning to keep some money coming in). Also, my husband could be really scary. I worried about him hunting me down in his rages. I still do.

Add to that the kinds of comments like yours - your insinuation is that somehow I brought this on myself and I need to figure out what’s broken in me to address that. I wholeheartedly reject that and feel confident you don’t have much first-hand education or expertise in this realm to assert that. The “numerous studies” support my perspective and no, I’m not going to go deep on that here.

But your comment is the kind that shuts people down, shames them, and makes it harder for victims to come forward. How many times did I hear that if I was smarter, nicer, prettier, more successful, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like the one I was in? No, I didn’t bring this on myself and yes, I’m doing all the work to recover and ensure I don’t end up with another person - in any capacity - who resembles my husband. But please be more considerate because your insinuation isn’t just uneducated, it’s harmful.

OP - didn’t you see the red flags after the first baby? Why did you continue having babies with him? I lived with an abusive (but very rich) husband for 15 years. He showed the true colors on a 2nd year of marriage, when our only child was new born. I didn’t have any reservations about my exH and took full responsibility for staying with him. I did it for money: had no job, wouldn’t have a nice house or a school for my child if we divorced before I stood up; didn’t have family in the US to support me.
Once I started earning enough, I left and it took 13 more years. But I didn’t have more children with him knowing I would leave

My two kids are twins. So I “didn’t keep having babies with him”. Good for you for doing everything the right way with full knowledge and ownership of every decision you were making and with such insight into the big picture. Really amazing.

It's hard to be on your side, OP. You're really defensive and rude. No doubt you view people on this thread who are trying to help you the same way you view your friends trying to help you feel better. Everything is just one more tennis ball to be hit back at them. This is a useless endeavor.

Why shouldn't she be defensive? OP already indicated that she is getting help for her issues that might have contributed to the dynamics of her marriage. It's right there in the post the PP quoted. Yet the PP kept digging for more. OP came here for perspective on her friends' outlook. Why are people asking her all these irrelevant questions? They should start other threads.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t think you can make people stop being unrealistically positive. You know why? They are looking for the silver lining and telling you to stay positive because THEY are uncomfortable with negative feelings. It’s not even about you.

I have been through a divorce and some other hard things (like my dad dying of a long and terrible illness when I was relatively young) and I found that my friends did the same thing yours are doing. And they didn’t stop when I explained what I needed. So I wouldn’t even try if I were you because I think most people aren’t capable of being with hard emotions. They push the hard away with the relentless positivity.

[Anonymous]

OP should start from recognizing her own mistake marrying him. It's the worst: realization that you wasted a decade on a worthless person. But nobody but women themselves make these decisions to marry that person! I definitely saw the red flags (minor ones, like changing expensive private train car tickets to cheaper common car for a homeymoon, while he could totally afford it). But I ignored them and ended up with a cheap controlling multi millionaire as a husband who tracked my miserable earnings and spending, including parking fees.

When OP realizes she made a mistake, she will be ready to work on it and will meet the right person. Or not. But she will be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

I’m the OP. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life to address, among other issues, my marriage and dynamics of my childhood that may have contributed to me marrying “such a man”. The fact is, yes, I grew up in a home with a very functional but nonetheless alcoholic mother who could also be abusive. But the other part of the equation is that abusers - particularly those like my husband - very often start off as charming, kind, loving, and doting. The red flags are elusive, especially if you don’t understand the way abuse works (cycles, etc). Once the abuse became apparent - as did the drinking - it was hard to leave with three young kids. I had no family, little money (at the time my husband controlled all of our money), and the options were sleeping in a car (that’s not a very safe / easy thing when you’ve got two toddlers in tow and are trying to make it to your job in the morning to keep some money coming in). Also, my husband could be really scary. I worried about him hunting me down in his rages. I still do.

Add to that the kinds of comments like yours - your insinuation is that somehow I brought this on myself and I need to figure out what’s broken in me to address that. I wholeheartedly reject that and feel confident you don’t have much first-hand education or expertise in this realm to assert that. The “numerous studies” support my perspective and no, I’m not going to go deep on that here.

But your comment is the kind that shuts people down, shames them, and makes it harder for victims to come forward. How many times did I hear that if I was smarter, nicer, prettier, more successful, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like the one I was in? No, I didn’t bring this on myself and yes, I’m doing all the work to recover and ensure I don’t end up with another person - in any capacity - who resembles my husband. But please be more considerate because your insinuation isn’t just uneducated, it’s harmful.

No one says that. I call bullshit. Most of us find someone who is like our family growing up, because that feels comfortable to us, it feels real. You say your mom was an alcoholic and could be abusive, yet there is no connection between having a parent like that and choosing an abusive alcoholic as a spouse. Oh brother.

It’s not bullsh*t. People often imply - or state explicitly - that people who end up with abusers are “broken” or because they aren’t attractive, successful, etc had to “settle” for someone who doesn’t treat them well. The assumption is abused people in some way, shape, or form deserve what they’re getting. It’s absolutely part of the stigma that surrounds abuse. So stop with your bullsh*t.

[Anonymous]

This is a very offbeat suggestion but I would recommend watching the Pamela Adlon show Better Things. It's literally about a single mom of three kids who divorced her ex (they had a very dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship, not clear if it would be considered abusive) and had to pay him alimony for years. But the story starts way down the road from where you are at, after she'd been divorced a while. It's focused on her relationship with her kids, some on her love life, some on financial stuff, some on her career (Adlon plays a version of herself, a successful but not super famous actress and voice-over artist who breaks into directing).

I think it could be cathartic for you, to see that it can all work out. One thing I really like about the show is that it shows what great (though imperfect) relationships she has with her kids, and I think that's partly because she was able to develop those relationships on her own terms, and not while negotiating a bad marriage. Maybe watching the show will help you focus on the long term benefits of your divorce, despite the downsides financially.