How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

[Anonymous]

I’m in my late 40s and have two young kids and on the verge of divorcing an abusive, alcoholic husband. It’s probably five years overdue but I’m doing it. It’s obviously hard and sad and I realize that my life as a divorced mom with primary responsibility for two young children and a full time job will be really hard. I don’t have any family help - my dad is elderly, my mom deceased, and my sister is overseas and contending with her own issues. My in laws, unsurprisingly, froze me out the second they learned I was seeking to divorce.

I’ve been in therapy for a while and have prepared as much as I can for the hard realities: I know and am fine with the prospect of never finding romantic love again. I know and am steeling myself for the many challenges I will face trying to parent young kids solo. But the situation at home became awful and visible to my kids. I have to do this for my kids - and for me.

I have some good friends who know and understand my situation. They’ve been supportive through some dark times. Now, however, I find myself really bothered by what I’d describe as “toxic positivity”. A continually drumbeat of wishful thinking that not only feels really out of touch with what I’m facing but also diminishes the realities of what life will be like for me (will owe alimony to drunk and unstable husband, diminished income, single mother, etc). When I express concerns or worries I get “It’s going to be fine - you never know, you might meet the right person”, or “In no time it will get easier - you’ll feel so good having this behind you,” or “Don’t worry, you can make up the lost $$$” …. These are just not likely true and I get people trying to be upbeat but I’d really like them to cut the BS. Because they know better.

How do I politely let them know that I appreciate the positivity, but the reality is that my life will be hard and I’m not going to find a rainbow and a pot of gold anywhere? There is no white knight. I need them to be supportive without blowing silly sunshine. How do I express this? By the way, I don’t often express my worries - I save that for therapy. But on the rare occasion I do, I get this saccharine Pollyanna stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, think about what you would tell a friend who is going through the same thing. Likely what they are saying. Cut them some slack, or save it all for your therapist. I got divorced from an abusive man and friends would say now you can meet the right person, when in reality meeting someone new was the last thing on my mind, but I understood it was coming from a good place.

[Anonymous]

They’re not wrong. Getting out of that marriage will be WORTH IT and I bet when it’s all said and done, you feel so much better.

[Anonymous]

"I appreciate your overall positive hopes for me, but what will help me the most right now is for you to just be to support me in putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time."

Just tell them exactly what will be helpful to you--they'll want to know. Make it less about "don't do that" and more about "please do this."

Or save your "existential" worries and concerns for the therapist, and only confide in them for things they can actually help with: "I've got a crazy deadline at work and I'm worried that I won't be able to get a couple of decent dinners on the table this week. Is there any way I could trouble you to drop off a meal on Sunday?"

[Anonymous]

I know of only one person who always knows exactly what to say - my best friend. I am grateful for her! Everyone else will over or undershoot target, and that is OK, because they all mean well. I don't rely on them for advice, I rely on them for emotional support, which they always give, even though their words may be completely inaccurate. I know what the feeling is behind the words, if you will.

I'm glad you're clear-eyed about your future, OP. Yes, it will be hard at first, and maybe hard for a long time. But I hope everything will turn out better than you expected

[Anonymous]

They're trying to cheer you up but don't know how.

I would say something like, "I know you're trying to get me to think positively, but I really don't want to think further ahead and just focus on getting through it. Why don't you tell me about your kids?"

[Anonymous]

If they are truly your friends, they are secretly thrilled you are finally leaving an abusive alcoholic, and are probably saying something that feels tame to them -- "this is going to end up getting better" etc -- because they know you aren't in a place where "thank god FINALLY, we have been waiting YEARS for you to do this, good frickin riddance" is going to go over well.

[Anonymous]

Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

[Anonymous]

OP has it occurred to you that after 5+ yrs of supporting you through a terrible marriage and offering an ear, they are genuinely happy and positive about the news that you are divorcing?

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to do this without alienating your friends, who mean well. Calling it “toxic” is a slap in the face when they’re coming from a good and genuine place. Perhaps they really believe what they’re saying.

I guess you could say “I know everything will be okay in the end but right now it’s really f-ing hard. I’m trying to face the hard, cold reality of the situation so I’m prepared to handle it.”
But honestly, is it really a detriment to you when they cheer you on? Perhaps you can think about what you need, to ease your stress - maybe a night out at a wine bar or outdoor cafe when your ex has the kids?

But I don’t think you can control how they word their support.

[Anonymous]

Tell them flat out, "I just want you to say, "Damn, this really sucks and is SO hard. I am SO sorry you're going through this."

Ask for what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

Oh, so if your friend or neighbor got a terminal cancer diagnosis, you wouldn't honor that reality, you'd just be like, "I'm sure your team of doctors is WRONG and you'll be doing cartwheels by next Sunday!"?

Or would you wish them well in a realistic and authentic way? "I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, and I hope your treatments help and that you are comfortable. I am available to do X or Y or anything that might be helpful."

Do you see the difference between toxic positivity and simply being there for someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

Oh, so if your friend or neighbor got a terminal cancer diagnosis, you wouldn't honor that reality, you'd just be like, "I'm sure your team of doctors is WRONG and you'll be doing cartwheels by next Sunday!"?

Or would you wish them well in a realistic and authentic way? "I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, and I hope your treatments help and that you are comfortable. I am available to do X or Y or anything that might be helpful."

Do you see the difference between toxic positivity and simply being there for someone?

That’s completely different. Does she want her friends to say she will be miserable being divorced and that she will be living in low income housing? Ideally, her friends would give her suggestions for how to deal with her concerns but most people are at a loss for what to say.

[Anonymous]

When I divorced I had no friends. Nada. Would've preferred even shallow "thoughts and prayers" than feeling absolutely alone.

[Anonymous]

You are doing the best you can. Your friends (and be thankful for them) are doing the best they can. It comes from a place of love. They believe in you. You can remind them it is hard, but thank them for their words of hope and encouragement. And don't be afraid to ask for help. They want you to succeed!