What’s fair—expectation vs reality when parents/ILs live far away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

That's fine in a vacuum but it's part of a bigger negotiation about how often everyone will be traveling. If the goal is to travel infrequently (that's my goal) you only have so many negotiating chips.

It’s an odd way to look at it. You are allowed to say no that doesn’t work for me. I would much rather have shorter quality visits than cramming a bunch of people into a too small place. The kids don’t sleep well, everyone ends up crabby and resentful.

I can't imagine being crabby and resentful about having to be flexible about sleeping arrangements but I guess if you already know you and your family are easily made unpleasant by inconvenience you should act on that information. My family is made of pleasant and easygoing people, including the kids, so I have a different perspective.

You do seem like a delight, PP.

[Anonymous]

My parents lived in CA and we lived in DC. Honestly we went out to visit maybe once every other year ( not for Xmas or thanksgiving those were always at our home) and they came to visit us a few times a year. Going to the west coast with kids is rough unless it is for a week or so and you can’t really spend 2 weeks a year of your limited vacation time and budget doing that just to visit the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Seattle and we usually go once a year and they come once a year. That’s not too much to ask of either party assuming finances are set and there’s a decent level of understanding between both parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I can't imagine being crabby and resentful about having to be flexible about sleeping arrangements but I guess if you already know you and your family are easily made unpleasant by inconvenience you should act on that information. My family is made of pleasant and easygoing people, including the kids, so I have a different perspective.

So we see

PP's family knows that the only eating between breakfast and dinner is a piece of fruit on the porch and nothing else. No low class Burger King for them.

[Anonymous]

My family is California and we are here. Pre-Covid, we went out once a year, but they come here a few times a year. It is easier for them to fly and visit us than for us to take the kids out there (time away from school/activities/work plus jet lag, harder to do long flight when kids were younger). The one nice thing about San Diego, is there are a lot of things to do there and vacations you can take throughout California. So I would plan trips when you have more time and combine it with family time- go up to LA or Santa Barbara, or out to Arizona for example. Your kids are even a good age for a drive up the coast to San Francisco. So you could go out for 10 days one summer and spend half with ILs and then drive up North and fly out from LA or San Fran. Disneyland is also fun and much easier than Disneyworld. Or leave the kids for a couple nights with the ILs and you and DH go for a night or two away.

As for Holidays, you will have to see how that works out. You should pick the one time a year that works best for going to CA, and if it's Christmas fine, but if it's summer then you just need to tell them that and have them come to you for Christmas or alternate years. You will see them less frequently, but when you do see them it will be a lot all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is California and we are here. Pre-Covid, we went out once a year, but they come here a few times a year. It is easier for them to fly and visit us than for us to take the kids out there (time away from school/activities/work plus jet lag, harder to do long flight when kids were younger). The one nice thing about San Diego, is there are a lot of things to do there and vacations you can take throughout California. So I would plan trips when you have more time and combine it with family time- go up to LA or Santa Barbara, or out to Arizona for example. Your kids are even a good age for a drive up the coast to San Francisco. So you could go out for 10 days one summer and spend half with ILs and then drive up North and fly out from LA or San Fran. Disneyland is also fun and much easier than Disneyworld. Or leave the kids for a couple nights with the ILs and you and DH go for a night or two away.

As for Holidays, you will have to see how that works out. You should pick the one time a year that works best for going to CA, and if it's Christmas fine, but if it's summer then you just need to tell them that and have them come to you for Christmas or alternate years. You will see them less frequently, but when you do see them it will be a lot all at once.

I am PP, just to be clear, I'm suggesting you go out once a year for at least a week. I would not fly out more than once a year.

[Anonymous]

We have one set on the West Coast and one set driving distance. We alternate Christmas and never have it at home (Amazon is your friend re: gifts).

We also do a West Coast summer visit pretty much every year so it works out to 1-2 times a year. They visit every couple years. Visits are between 1-3 weeks long but we also see extended family, friends, and do fun activities/mini vacations within that timeframe.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're making a problem where one doesn't exist.

Nothing has happened.

It's important to realize this. You are building-up your anxiety That will not help you cope/may decisions going forward.

[Anonymous]

News Flash: Having to visit San Diego once a year is.... not a hardship. Don't go at Christmas, though - it can be pretty rainy. But having a free place to stay while you go to Sea World, the beach, the SD zoo/Safari Park, Legoland, and then a day trip to Disney if you want? Not too shabby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

That's fine in a vacuum but it's part of a bigger negotiation about how often everyone will be traveling. If the goal is to travel infrequently (that's my goal) you only have so many negotiating chips.

It’s an odd way to look at it. You are allowed to say no that doesn’t work for me. I would much rather have shorter quality visits than cramming a bunch of people into a too small place. The kids don’t sleep well, everyone ends up crabby and resentful.

I can't imagine being crabby and resentful about having to be flexible about sleeping arrangements but I guess if you already know you and your family are easily made unpleasant by inconvenience you should act on that information. My family is made of pleasant and easygoing people, including the kids, so I have a different perspective.

Let me introduce you to my MIL.
That is so fantastic for you, but my guess is OPs is not the same given the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:News Flash: Having to visit San Diego once a year is.... not a hardship. Don't go at Christmas, though - it can be pretty rainy. But having a free place to stay while you go to Sea World, the beach, the SD zoo/Safari Park, Legoland, and then a day trip to Disney if you want? Not too shabby.

In OPs defense, she said she could get on board with a yearly trip to San Diego.
No trip is fun if it’s being forced on you no matter where it is. I don’t want to feel like I have to use my limited vacation time and finances to go to visit my ILs even if it’s a nice location. It’s still an obligation.

[Anonymous]

Under promise, over deliver. That should be your goal. Be clear NOW that while you are thrilled for them, realistically speaking flying across the country every year will likely be cost prohibitive. You have college to save for and other travel goals for your children (whatever those are...overseas, Grand Canyon, Niagra, etc.). Your children will be off to college before you know it and you only have so much time to gift them with experiences to learn that the world is a big place.

I suspect your ILs will also soon learn that they don't really want to fly east as much as they claim. So stick to your "hotel" plan and just wait to see how often they really do come. My guess is, not much. And when they do, you might find that they don't prioritize you guys as much as you assume (they might have friendships from their old life back east to maintain). So don't over-react about their plans to visit yet.

But I do think you should make it very clear that financially you're family is NOT able to travel to the WC annually...and don't even entertain the idea of multiple times a year. Nope. They are making this decision. They can own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're making a problem where one doesn't exist.

Nothing has happened.

It's important to realize this. You are building-up your anxiety That will not help you cope/may decisions going forward.

Counterpoint: If she doesn't say anything now, her ILs and spouse are free to make assumptions about how things are going to be and then be pissy when it doesn't happen. "We told you what we were planning and you never said anything! You can't just change your mind now!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

That's fine in a vacuum but it's part of a bigger negotiation about how often everyone will be traveling. If the goal is to travel infrequently (that's my goal) you only have so many negotiating chips.

How is this a negotiation? ILs decided on their own to move back to their hometown on the West coast (as is their right). OP and her family also get to decide for themselves whether they are willing to host ILs in their home, when they will visit ILs in CA, and how often it is feasible for them to go to CA. ILs didn’t negotiate with anyone in deciding to move, OP and her family don’t have to negotiate either.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are in CA. We try to go every other year. Doesn’t always work out. My husband’s life has been directed by the congressional schedule for nearly 2 decades. And inevitably, if we plan a trip too close to a supposed recess, something happens that keeps them in session and the trip is FUBARed anyway. Then once we had to superimpose the school schedule on top of recesses, it all went to hell in a hand basket.

I’ve learned to never make promises of what we can or cannot do with travel in a year. In normal times they would make 1-2 trips here per year. I host thanksgiving. They’ve come 15 out of 18 years. I don’t host Christmas and we don’t travel for Christmas. We don’t really have a guest room and now with both of us working from home we can’t have people staying here at all as we spend most of our days just trying to dodge each other and find work space. Adding two more adults sitting here all day would be a disaster. So if they want to come now they’ll have to stay in a hotel. The answer would be the same for my parents. We have a blanket no guest policy at the moment.

We’ve also tried meeting somewhere for a visit, but that is fraught with so many things that I wish to never repeat the experience. And we’ve tried. My favorite was when they arrived first and took the master suite leaving us the room where the bed touched 3 walls when we had an 18 mo old who needed a pack n play set up. They were not paying. We ended up moving the bed to the living room and sleeping out there since the place opened onto a lake and my FIL was not cautious about latching the door so setting up the pack n play in the living room was not an option.