What’s fair—expectation vs reality when parents/ILs live far away?

[Anonymous]

I’m just trying to figure out a proper expectation vs reality when parents/ILs live far away. I’m having a really hard time with this and need a different perspective.

I’ll try to be concise giving all the facts!

ILs are retired and have decided it’s finally time to move back to the San Diego area (where they were from before they moved and had children.)

We have a 12yo and a 9yo.

I have a super flexible job and WAH, but DH has a very demanding job. He’s often on-call and occasionally has to work on his days off (I’d say 1-2 times a month on average.) I only mention this to give you an idea of what “family time” looks like for us. M

We both get five weeks vacation a year. (I actually get four but I make the fifth work to align with DH if necessary.) We typically spend three of these weeks on family vacations. The other two are taken randomly throughout the year.

DH and his parents believe we will see each other often. They see no issue with them visiting often (We don’t have space for house guests so they’d have to stay at a hotel. I’m firm on this.) But for us, it’s basically a trans con flight away, a red eye home, etc. It doesn’t sound like something that will be something we will be able to do often. Not to mention, it’s not cheap (For us. I get that it may be cheap for many.)

I have local family. DH seems to think we will spend every Christmas there, or, every Christmas with his parents if they choose to come here for the holiday.

I’m probably overreacting because this is so sudden. I don’t know how to explain it but it feels almost like a huge invasion of my personal time. I can totally get on board with taking a yearly/biannual trip to California, maybe. But I don’t know how I feel about the frequent IL visits, or the holiday bogarting.

If you’ve BTDT, please tell me how it works for your family.

[Anonymous]

You're using a lot of "seems to think." Have you actually sat down with your husband and a calendar to map out what a year would look like? And you're firm on the ILs staying in a hotel when they visit -- is your husband? Are you ILs?

It doesn't matter what the rest of us do (from smug "We cherish our family time, and that includes the grandparents" to smug "We both have spines and have told our parents they will only get X amount of our time" to smug "I cherished every moment of my time with my parents who are now dead and I would give anything to have that time back").

Also, when you're coming up with imaginary schedules with your spouse, realize that things are going to be changing soon and often: teenagers with jobs, teenagers who want to hang out with their friends, teenagers looking at colleges, college students who have school when you'd arrange a visit, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're using a lot of "seems to think." Have you actually sat down with your husband and a calendar to map out what a year would look like? And you're firm on the ILs staying in a hotel when they visit -- is your husband? Are you ILs?

It doesn't matter what the rest of us do (from smug "We cherish our family time, and that includes the grandparents" to smug "We both have spines and have told our parents they will only get X amount of our time" to smug "I cherished every moment of my time with my parents who are now dead and I would give anything to have that time back").

Also, when you're coming up with imaginary schedules with your spouse, realize that things are going to be changing soon and often: teenagers with jobs, teenagers who want to hang out with their friends, teenagers looking at colleges, college students who have school when you'd arrange a visit, etc)

Thanks for your reply.

We have sat down in a very preliminary way. I don’t know what it should look like and honestly, it’s a little scary to me. It feels a little like now at least part of our year will be dictated to spending time in San Diego. We aren’t poor but we aren’t super wealthy, and I just worry we will be forced now to make cuts to afford these plane tickets every year. But you make some really valid points about the kids that I hadn’t considered. I think DH is mostly shocked and his head is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out a perfect plan NOW!

[Anonymous]

Who know how this will play out. The whole "we'll still see you often" may or may not pan out and it may fade over the next couple years as they get older and tired of traveling. It makes them feel better about leaving by saying you will still see them all the time. What matter is what your DH thinks and what he expects.

FWIW - My grandparents lived across the country from us and it was the goal that we saw them once a year - we alternated them visiting us and us visiting them. I think we only spent a couple Christmases with them because traveling at that time of the year was just harder than during the summer time.

[Anonymous]

We're on the east coast, our families are in Europe. We used to alternate visits once a year, but now they're older and because of Covid, they do not travel anymore and we need to do all the traveling, which means we might not go every year, particularly as my oldest is looking at colleges and we have a thousand things to do. Although last summer, we went twice, because we hadn't seen them since 2018!!! Our families understand this and do not complain about visit frequency.

This is long-distance relationships for you, OP. At some point, it will all stabilize.

[Anonymous]

We see family on both sides at least twice a year.

[Anonymous]

^ We only did one Christmas together since 2002, OP. It's just too expensive and crowded for any of us to travel during the Holidays. Usually they come during the school year, and we visit them in June or August.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in California too.

Sometimes visits are just me and DS, DH stays home to work. Sometimes we all 3 go. Sometimes they join us on our family vacation. Sometimes my mom comes and stays with us. Sometimes both parents come. Sometimes we plan a vacation that can have a stopover in California (like going to hawaii but having a "layover" in LA for a few days on the way out). Sometimes if I know DH will be traveling for a week for work I'll ask my mom to come stay with us that week to help to school drop offs.

You will find your balance. You aren't committing to monthly trips for eternity. Figure out what works for the remainder of this year, and then worry about 2023 when we get there.

[Anonymous]

I’m the one with the west coast family. We “plan” to go once a year and in practice go every other year. It is what it is. But I’m not “firm”’on my parents staying in hotels when they visit, that’s absolutely nuts. You gotta ease up on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who know how this will play out. The whole "we'll still see you often" may or may not pan out and it may fade over the next couple years as they get older and tired of traveling. It makes them feel better about leaving by saying you will still see them all the time. What matter is what your DH thinks and what he expects.

FWIW - My grandparents lived across the country from us and it was the goal that we saw them once a year - we alternated them visiting us and us visiting them. I think we only spent a couple Christmases with them because traveling at that time of the year was just harder than during the summer time.

Thus. The future visitation will not be the frequency that it was. Not sustainable. Parents just said that to soften the blow.

[Anonymous]

Regarding Christmas we have local family (parents who moved here to be near us and help us) and family who lives in their hometown. We put our foot down after our first born's 2nd Christmas and said we're spending it at home, anyone who wants to join can. Local family is at my house at 7am Christmas morning with bells on. I think if the other parents came, I'd have no problem with them staying at my house for Christmas and I do wish they'd come (better than the alternative of us traveling!). I like a loud, wild, and full house on Christmas eve and morning.

Early on, before parents moved to DC, we said we'd only give out of town family one trip a year. So we go to my parents' hometown to visit my grandparents, parents, my sibling, and all extended family once a year. Inlaws are closer and within driving distance so we go 4x a year, but don't use annual leave. We go on 3 day weekends and such.

My inlaws are talking about moving far away to Arizona (they were looking at houses) and I flat out told them that we'd be disappointed they'd be so far and I also told them we'd only be able to visit once a year. They had visions in their heads of holidays and grandkids visiting all winter long... DH wouldn't say anything, so I felt like I had to set expectations.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You don’t need to plan out the next few years now, just the next few months.

My family are in the UK and there are times we went twice a year and other times (during the pandemic) when we didn’t go for two years.

You both have plenty of vacation, so heading out there once or twice a year for a week or a long weekend is not going to be too challenging.

In terms of balance with your own plans, there is always the possibility of combining a trip out there with some family vacation out west.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one with the west coast family. We “plan” to go once a year and in practice go every other year. It is what it is. But I’m not “firm”’on my parents staying in hotels when they visit, that’s absolutely nuts. You gotta ease up on that.

I disagree. If you don’t have the room, you don’t have the room! We don’t have the space either. We are already a family of three in a one bathroom apartment. We could pop up an air mattress in the living room and draw straws for hot water showers, I suppose. I’m joking. But when you don’t have the space, it turns a pleasant visit into a resentful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one with the west coast family. We “plan” to go once a year and in practice go every other year. It is what it is. But I’m not “firm”’on my parents staying in hotels when they visit, that’s absolutely nuts. You gotta ease up on that.

I disagree. If you don’t have the room, you don’t have the room! We don’t have the space either. We are already a family of three in a one bathroom apartment. We could pop up an air mattress in the living room and draw straws for hot water showers, I suppose. I’m joking. But when you don’t have the space, it turns a pleasant visit into a resentful situation.

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

[Anonymous]

Totally makes sense that you're feeling shook up - this is a major change that will effect you in many ways, primarily negatively.

Also - if I were you I would really try to avoid committing to any sort of schedule now. Talk to your husband, come up with a tentative plan, but be aware that you'll have to see how it feels. You may find the trips are a fun diversion, the kids like them, and there's a good discount airline, and you end up going more than you thought. You may find them more stressful and expensive even than you're picturing.

I would guess you'll land on visiting once or twice a year. I would really do everything in your power to go at least once, I think that's important. How much they'll visit is a bit of a crap shoot. They could end up coming once every five years, they could end up coming quarterly. I wouldn't worry about that too much - it's unlikely they'll come enough to grate on you, assuming you generally find them pleasant and they're staying in a hotel (hold that line for sure).

The Christmas thing - absolutely absurd that your husband thinks you'll spend Christmas with his far away parents every year. I see a few options here. One is that you could decide to "host" Christmas every year, and invite both sets of grandparents. They can come if they'd like. This works particularly well if they get along well, but even if they're just cordial, it's an option. Another good option is a rotation. Out to your in-laws one year, at your parents one year, at your house one year, repeat. Discuss with your husband, and again, DO NOT COMMIT to people other than him. Give yourselves a little time to see how things work for your family and the freedom to make changes as needed. Good luck!