What’s fair—expectation vs reality when parents/ILs live far away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one with the west coast family. We “plan” to go once a year and in practice go every other year. It is what it is. But I’m not “firm”’on my parents staying in hotels when they visit, that’s absolutely nuts. You gotta ease up on that.

I disagree. If you don’t have the room, you don’t have the room! We don’t have the space either. We are already a family of three in a one bathroom apartment. We could pop up an air mattress in the living room and draw straws for hot water showers, I suppose. I’m joking. But when you don’t have the space, it turns a pleasant visit into a resentful situation.

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

I'm the PP with family in Europe. We're 4 to 1200 sq ft. Parents stay in a hotel. They stayed with us once, and then were like "We love you, but no". DH was so relieved

[Anonymous]

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one with the west coast family. We “plan” to go once a year and in practice go every other year. It is what it is. But I’m not “firm”’on my parents staying in hotels when they visit, that’s absolutely nuts. You gotta ease up on that.

I disagree. If you don’t have the room, you don’t have the room! We don’t have the space either. We are already a family of three in a one bathroom apartment. We could pop up an air mattress in the living room and draw straws for hot water showers, I suppose. I’m joking. But when you don’t have the space, it turns a pleasant visit into a resentful situation.

The OP's husband needs to get a new job, because if you're working a demanding job and being 'on call' then my expectation is that you're making a higher salary to compensate for the longer hours. I assume OP makes a normal salary, since she works from home and is flexible. Unless OP is also living in a one bathroom apartment, then she needs to lighten up on forbidding her in-laws from staying. She's just creating a scenario that will result in her flying out to CA more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

That's fine in a vacuum but it's part of a bigger negotiation about how often everyone will be traveling. If the goal is to travel infrequently (that's my goal) you only have so many negotiating chips.

[Anonymous]

What's fair:
-they can stay elsewhere when they come to visit you since you don't have the space to host them
-you, your husband and your in-laws can agree to a visiting schedule that works for you and your family--depending on your budget, your time off from work, how you want to spend your vacations, etc.

What's NOT fair:
-your husband expecting that you spend EVERY Christmas with his family
-being pressured to visit them more often than you are willing/able to
-being pressured to have them stay with you when they come to visit

We live in a larger house now w/ a dedicated guest room but in the past we have hosted family many times in small spaces. Once when we had just had our first baby, we had 5 people staying with us (so 8 people total including the baby) in our 1000 sq ft. 2bed 1 bath apartment. We had air mattresses everywhere, we did have to set up a schedule for the shower. But I totally understand why you don't want to do that and it's not the best solution for every situation. My parents, for instance, would never be comfortable staying with that type of arrangements. They'd rather have a hotel anyway. My in-laws, on the other hand, would be totally fine camping on our living room floor. So if your in-laws are the type who don't mind staying w/ you even in cramped quarters, you'll need to be firm about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

That's fine in a vacuum but it's part of a bigger negotiation about how often everyone will be traveling. If the goal is to travel infrequently (that's my goal) you only have so many negotiating chips.

It’s an odd way to look at it. You are allowed to say no that doesn’t work for me. I would much rather have shorter quality visits than cramming a bunch of people into a too small place. The kids don’t sleep well, everyone ends up crabby and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re joking but that’s exactly how we have hosted family many times. Not wanting to burn vacation days and thousands of dollars is fair. Banning grandma and grandpa from a living room air mattress is not.

Nope, this would never work for me. If we really don’t have space (and sun sit mattress in our family room is not the space), they can stay in a hotel. It’s my house, of course it’s ok to decide who sleeps there.

That's fine in a vacuum but it's part of a bigger negotiation about how often everyone will be traveling. If the goal is to travel infrequently (that's my goal) you only have so many negotiating chips.

It’s an odd way to look at it. You are allowed to say no that doesn’t work for me. I would much rather have shorter quality visits than cramming a bunch of people into a too small place. The kids don’t sleep well, everyone ends up crabby and resentful.

I can't imagine being crabby and resentful about having to be flexible about sleeping arrangements but I guess if you already know you and your family are easily made unpleasant by inconvenience you should act on that information. My family is made of pleasant and easygoing people, including the kids, so I have a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't imagine being crabby and resentful about having to be flexible about sleeping arrangements but I guess if you already know you and your family are easily made unpleasant by inconvenience you should act on that information. My family is made of pleasant and easygoing people, including the kids, so I have a different perspective.

So we see

[Anonymous]

My DH is from CA with all his family still there. I am from Europe with all my family there. I would say we did 75% of the travelling when my kids were the age of your kids and 99% of the travelling now that both sets of parents are older. For me CA seems easy. With kids that age sure they are whacked out a bit when you come home but it isn't terrible. We never ever do redeyes from CA. No that is terrible for everyone! The only rule I am firm on is that Christmas is done at home. The lugging of presents and such is something I never wanted to do. So come to us or we will see you a few days after or NOT at all during the holidays if the flights are expensive. My DH goes to CA a lot more than I do. He will take kids with him or just one kid depending on what is going on. I just got back from Europe where I took two kids because we haven't been back in so long due to Covid. I just book flights for right as the kids get out of school because we had so much fun and miss my family so much. My DH is happy to stay home with the dog.

I think at the end of the day you have to be less firm and more flexible. Definitely get into having your DH go to CA on his own. Also -- no trip to family is a vacation so give up on that!

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like a communication problem with DH rather than a vacation/in-laws problem. Why are you so scared to make realistic plans?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry if I missed this, but is your DH the only child? Does he have other siblings in your area, or that live elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I can't imagine being crabby and resentful about having to be flexible about sleeping arrangements but I guess if you already know you and your family are easily made unpleasant by inconvenience you should act on that information. My family is made of pleasant and easygoing people, including the kids, so I have a different perspective.

So we see

Yes, I certainly do see that you're quite sensitive and rigid.

[Anonymous]

We have both sets of grandparents a flight away. One set insists on coming and staying with us for 1 week every 2 months. The other comes twice a year. We have to alternate thanksgiving and Xmas between the 2 sets. Not to scare you, but I do feel like we have a constant rotation of houseguests. Not to mention we are both working at home. Grandparents insist on keeping the baby home from daycare while they are parked at our house, and childcare inevitably falls on me during that time despite me working full time. It is very stressful. Put your foot down now- it’s harder to peel back their expectations later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is from CA with all his family still there. I am from Europe with all my family there. I would say we did 75% of the travelling when my kids were the age of your kids and 99% of the travelling now that both sets of parents are older. For me CA seems easy. With kids that age sure they are whacked out a bit when you come home but it isn't terrible. We never ever do redeyes from CA. No that is terrible for everyone! The only rule I am firm on is that Christmas is done at home. The lugging of presents and such is something I never wanted to do. So come to us or we will see you a few days after or NOT at all during the holidays if the flights are expensive. My DH goes to CA a lot more than I do. He will take kids with him or just one kid depending on what is going on. I just got back from Europe where I took two kids because we haven't been back in so long due to Covid. I just book flights for right as the kids get out of school because we had so much fun and miss my family so much. My DH is happy to stay home with the dog.

I think at the end of the day you have to be less firm and more flexible. Definitely get into having your DH go to CA on his own. Also -- no trip to family is a vacation so give up on that!

+1 we travel to the west coast regularly and never take redeyes. Seems like maybe OP is catastrophizing.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are also old enough to have their own voice now.