My DD says she is bisexual - how do I react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say "Okay. I love you no matter what, and no matter who you're attracted to." And then you hug her and go on with life because this isn't a big deal.

I think this is actually a negative message. It suggests that this revelation is some major negative bit of news that you are tolerating.

I agree (although could see myself having said something similar in the moment). I also think “you don’t need to label yourself” is a negative message, because it discounts the person’s statement that she is bi-sexual. With the ability to respond after having been able to think about it, I’d say something like, “I feel honored you shared with me. My wish is that you always find people to partner with who treat you with kindness and respect. I love you very much and please keep sharing with me as you feel comfortable!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo told me she was pansexual and I asked her what that meant to her, and then asked her if she had any feeling of attraction to anyone. She responded “ew, no”, then paused for a beat and said, “I guess I’m nothing sexual”, to which I responded “you’re 11 and that is fine. No need to rush to label yourself”. She then decided that her current sexual orientation is “questioning” which sounds great for a preteen/teen kid who is still figuring it all out. By 15 I expect she may have some answers, but at 11 it’s still really all beyond her. If at 15 she told me she was bi I would say great, thank you for sharing that with me. I hope you find wonderful people to love and who love you.

Hasn’t something gone wrong in our world when an 11yo knows the word pansexual, let alone identifies as one? I think you handled it well, pp, but I just think this celebration of sex and sexuality in elementary and middle schools is less than ideal.

Don’t you think every 11 year old should be asked to identify their sexuality and choose their gender?

The schools have a responsibility to educate here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo told me she was pansexual and I asked her what that meant to her, and then asked her if she had any feeling of attraction to anyone. She responded “ew, no”, then paused for a beat and said, “I guess I’m nothing sexual”, to which I responded “you’re 11 and that is fine. No need to rush to label yourself”. She then decided that her current sexual orientation is “questioning” which sounds great for a preteen/teen kid who is still figuring it all out. By 15 I expect she may have some answers, but at 11 it’s still really all beyond her. If at 15 she told me she was bi I would say great, thank you for sharing that with me. I hope you find wonderful people to love and who love you.

Hasn’t something gone wrong in our world when an 11yo knows the word pansexual, let alone identifies as one? I think you handled it well, pp, but I just think this celebration of sex and sexuality in elementary and middle schools is less than ideal.

I don’t think of it as something “gone wrong” because it’s always been there but hasn’t been accepted or talked about until very recently. I think it’s great that she knows what pansexual is. Her 7yo brother also knows about the gender and sexuality spectrums and has a best friend who is (by her words) “a girl who likes boy things and may really be a boy but I’m not sure yet”.

I do think there is a lot of unintended pressure that young kids (meaning 10+ Or so) feel these days to come out as something because they perceive it as cool. That doesn’t mean that some of them aren’t going to truly be lgbtq+, some of them are. Some of them are experimenting and trying to “fit in” to the current trends around it, at least in liberal areas where there may be many peers identifying as lgbtq+. A pre-sexual kid may worry that there is something “wrong” with them these days because they are not yet experiencing romantic/sexual feelings (perfectly normal at those ages), while some of their peers are. Yes, many children identify as gay at younger ages but most people simply identify as the “default” (i.e. heterosexual) because it’s the norm - and because they haven’t actually reached the stage of sexual or romantic attraction. Now that more and more people are being vocal and being accepted for being lgbtq+ those kids who aren’t sure what they are yet may feel the need to rush to a label, because they want the same affirmation and attention that their peers are receiving.
My 11yo (I’m the or) has multiple classmates who identify as gender fluid and even more who identify as lgbtq+, so I think in her case she simply felt like she was left out if she didn’t give herself a label, but then she realized that she doesn’t need to label herself yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo told me she was pansexual and I asked her what that meant to her, and then asked her if she had any feeling of attraction to anyone. She responded “ew, no”, then paused for a beat and said, “I guess I’m nothing sexual”, to which I responded “you’re 11 and that is fine. No need to rush to label yourself”. She then decided that her current sexual orientation is “questioning” which sounds great for a preteen/teen kid who is still figuring it all out. By 15 I expect she may have some answers, but at 11 it’s still really all beyond her. If at 15 she told me she was bi I would say great, thank you for sharing that with me. I hope you find wonderful people to love and who love you.

This is really interesting. I started to write this scenario earlier today because I went through it when my daughter was 11 (she's 15 now.) She claimed she was pansexual just as she started to meet non-binary people, attended her first PRIDE march and wanted to buy everything rainbow (the beginning of middle school.) She put up a pan flag in her room and I said to her that if she is truly pansexual then we need to have a different conversation to make sure she was protecting herself sexually. She had a similar reaction and was like "wait... no I'm not sexual." Now at 15 she has moved out of her everything rainbow/PRIDE stage and doesn't label herself as anything (although her brother likes to label her.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo told me she was pansexual and I asked her what that meant to her, and then asked her if she had any feeling of attraction to anyone. She responded “ew, no”, then paused for a beat and said, “I guess I’m nothing sexual”, to which I responded “you’re 11 and that is fine. No need to rush to label yourself”. She then decided that her current sexual orientation is “questioning” which sounds great for a preteen/teen kid who is still figuring it all out. By 15 I expect she may have some answers, but at 11 it’s still really all beyond her. If at 15 she told me she was bi I would say great, thank you for sharing that with me. I hope you find wonderful people to love and who love you.

This is really interesting. I started to write this scenario earlier today because I went through it when my daughter was 11 (she's 15 now.) She claimed she was pansexual just as she started to meet non-binary people, attended her first PRIDE march and wanted to buy everything rainbow (the beginning of middle school.) She put up a pan flag in her room and I said to her that if she is truly pansexual then we need to have a different conversation to make sure she was protecting herself sexually. She had a similar reaction and was like "wait... no I'm not sexual." Now at 15 she has moved out of her everything rainbow/PRIDE stage and doesn't label herself as anything (although her brother likes to label her.)

I don’t get this. If she was heterosexual, wouldn’t you still have needed to have a safe sex convo? It is important to have safe sex convos with our kids no matter their sexual preferences and to start these convos before they are sexually active. It sounds to me like she just didn’t want to have a sex talk with you, which was being tied to her self-identification as pansexual, so of course she’s going to step back from identifying in that case.

[Anonymous]

My teen DD, now 19, did this when she was your DDs age. She said she was "Pan-sexual" which means attracted to all genders.

Anyways she still maintains she is. I've left it totally alone, although I suspect she is more straight than not. She did not date in high school. She is in her first year in college now.

I think that for *some* girls, if they identify as bi or asexual or pan-sexual, it's a way to stay out of the dating scene for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo told me she was pansexual and I asked her what that meant to her, and then asked her if she had any feeling of attraction to anyone. She responded “ew, no”, then paused for a beat and said, “I guess I’m nothing sexual”, to which I responded “you’re 11 and that is fine. No need to rush to label yourself”. She then decided that her current sexual orientation is “questioning” which sounds great for a preteen/teen kid who is still figuring it all out. By 15 I expect she may have some answers, but at 11 it’s still really all beyond her. If at 15 she told me she was bi I would say great, thank you for sharing that with me. I hope you find wonderful people to love and who love you.

This is really interesting. I started to write this scenario earlier today because I went through it when my daughter was 11 (she's 15 now.) She claimed she was pansexual just as she started to meet non-binary people, attended her first PRIDE march and wanted to buy everything rainbow (the beginning of middle school.) She put up a pan flag in her room and I said to her that if she is truly pansexual then we need to have a different conversation to make sure she was protecting herself sexually. She had a similar reaction and was like "wait... no I'm not sexual." Now at 15 she has moved out of her everything rainbow/PRIDE stage and doesn't label herself as anything (although her brother likes to label her.)

I don’t get this. If she was heterosexual, wouldn’t you still have needed to have a safe sex convo? It is important to have safe sex convos with our kids no matter their sexual preferences and to start these convos before they are sexually active. It sounds to me like she just didn’t want to have a sex talk with you, which was being tied to her self-identification as pansexual, so of course she’s going to step back from identifying in that case.

Of course! If she has told me she were heterosexual, my response would have been the same. Don't worry, it's all good on this end - we've been talking about sex for years.

[Anonymous]

"That's nice please pass the salt."

[Anonymous]

At 11, DD announced to us she was part of the LBGTQ community and wanted to let us know. We said that was fine and said she could always talk to us about anything. We asked if she was interested in anyone and got a big “NO!” and told her she was much too young to date anyway. A year later she still says the same and whenever it comes up it’s like - and yes, I know I’m still too young to date.

We don’t make a big deal about this because it’s not serious right now. Just like I’m not making a big deal about my older teen son when he likes a girl. Now, your child is older and more the age of my son. If there was a specific interest or boyfriend/girlfriend, the conversation would change to general dating rules and expectations. Being respectful, safe, the internet and never send photos, consent…. All of the things needed to be discussed no matter the gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say that's great, reiterate issues of consent and safety, and let her figure it out. It's not going to hurt anything if she's bisexual, and it's not going to hurt anything if she says she's bisexual and only dates one gender. It's all fine. Safety and consent are all that matters.

This. It’s not a big deal. Please take a deep breath and read what this poster wrote.

[Anonymous]

I’m so over this trend for preteens and teens to “identify.” They aren’t even having sex! Sex among teens is lower than ever but that’s all this segment of the kids talk about. It’s so strange!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so over this trend for preteens and teens to “identify.” They aren’t even having sex! Sex among teens is lower than ever but that’s all this segment of the kids talk about. It’s so strange!

How does this help the op, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so over this trend for preteens and teens to “identify.” They aren’t even having sex! Sex among teens is lower than ever but that’s all this segment of the kids talk about. It’s so strange!

How does this help the op, though?

By letting her know she’s not alone. Being LGBTQ is cool now in many circles. Maybe we should spend more time building skills and community and less time celebrating identities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD told me in confidence that she thinks she is bisexual. She is 15 and not sexually active , but she says she seems to be attracted to both boys and girls. I come from a culture where we weren't even exposed to gay/lesbian and I am not sure what to make of this? How can a kid know they are bisexual ? Does it mean she wants to experiment with both genders before she decides?
I played it cool in front of her and ask her to not rush into an "identity box" yet. But she says kids ask about each others sexual identity now in school and she want to tell she is bisexual.
I am not sure how to take this. Please advise without being mean, I would like to hear especially from other parents experience if they have a bisexual kid... as I said it is very new and I promised my DD not to share this even with her Dad yet.

You say "okay." And then you tell her no more sleep overs with female friends. Whatever rules you have for boy guests in the house, those rules should apply to girl guests now, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so over this trend for preteens and teens to “identify.” They aren’t even having sex! Sex among teens is lower than ever but that’s all this segment of the kids talk about. It’s so strange!

Trying to figure out your identify is a developmentally appropriate task. They've latched onto sexual identities as a thing, but they were always figuring out an identity. Just roll with it. They're fine. They'll figure it out.