Can you get the sexy feeling back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.

I am skeptical about this idea. If people want to be in an open relationship, that is really their business. As long as both adults are consenting, then great. But reading this, it seems more like "destigmatizing" is actually an assault on monogamy. And I don't mean this in some religious or spiritual sense, like those who oppose LGBTQ relationships. I mean it in the sense that it seems like you are saying that a married person ought to be expected to acquiesce to an open relationship if their partner wants it. That doesn't really feel like consent to me. Much like the Savage Love mantra of GGG can be misinterpreted and misused or consent can be more complicated than a simple yes or no, it seems to be that destigmatizing often means acceptance. And though I think it's fine to say that you shouldn't intervene in other's affairs, it is a much harder thing to say that you must or should accept such a change in your own life and relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think the poster at 11:02 makes a good point. What's unfortunate is that so many on this site (and elsewhere) respond to those pondering an open relationship with something like, "Just divorce, or grow up."

This rampant small-minded-ness and judgement of others' personal lives contributes a lot to people's reluctance to bring up or follow through with opening their relationship. A lot of people don't explore it because they don't want to be closeted and they worry what others would think.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes you have to just consciously work at it, which seems to make it less sexy, but the results aren’t less sexy at all.
As you seem to be able to get it going, start with that. Buy a new toy, do a 30 day sex challenge, or whatever will help jumpstart getting sex *as a routine* back. We all know that in most cases, sex begets more sex, so use that. Then, start to inject things into *your* day to help you simmer, and do something every day or several times a day to help that along. Listen to erotica podcasts (some are only 10 or so minutes long), or take a break for a minute or two and just skim erotic pictures online (it doesn’t have to be full on porn). Take nude selfies, even if you aren’t comfortable sending them. When you say goodby to your spouse, hold on for a minute longer and take them in, even do something small like brush your mouth against their ear or neck. Insert more innuendo into your conversations.

More self care and self love. Get yourself off more in between sessions with your partner. Act as if you are the sexiest thing on the planet, because that’s contagious.

Also, broaden your perspective of what sex is. Go a few weeks where PIV is NOT the goal, nor is either person both getting off each and every time. “Make out” over clothes, watch each other stimulate themselves, make a night just about the other person, watch an erotic movie together with the goal of NOT having sex however you normally would and see what transpires.

You basically have to infuse a new routine, not just a novelty.

[Anonymous]

Regular kid-free time is 100% required for a sexually fulfilling marriage. Make sure you're getting that. And not just kid-free time to enable work, but an actual regular break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.

I am skeptical about this idea. If people want to be in an open relationship, that is really their business. As long as both adults are consenting, then great. But reading this, it seems more like "destigmatizing" is actually an assault on monogamy. And I don't mean this in some religious or spiritual sense, like those who oppose LGBTQ relationships. I mean it in the sense that it seems like you are saying that a married person ought to be expected to acquiesce to an open relationship if their partner wants it. That doesn't really feel like consent to me. Much like the Savage Love mantra of GGG can be misinterpreted and misused or consent can be more complicated than a simple yes or no, it seems to be that destigmatizing often means acceptance. And though I think it's fine to say that you shouldn't intervene in other's affairs, it is a much harder thing to say that you must or should accept such a change in your own life and relationship.

It is not an assault on monogamy to open up a marriage. It can only be done with the consent of both partners, otherwise it is just cheating, which is not OK. Some of the prior posters essentially said that sex was getting awkward because they no longer viewed their spouse as a romantic partner but as a good, platonic friend. If things have progressed that far, then an open marriage seems like a viable option that both spouses could reasonably accept. After all, I didn't get upset in my single days if an ex who I remained friends with started dating someone new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you had it I the last then it can be rekindled. It will come and go; marriage has different seasons.

True. Although I agree it can be awkward. Many stumbling efforts to rekindle things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

I'm similar - married 10yrs, 2 kids. We love each other and have regular sex, but the butterflies are gone. Going on vacation without kids results in better sex, as does the right amount of wine (not too much haha) and/or a night out in a flattering new outfit. However, I don't feel the same nervous/flirty energy I used to feel, and that's ok. Relationships evolve and there is a tradeoff between freshness/excitement and stability/comfort. People who try to re-light the spark are doing the relationship equivalent of chasing the dragon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.

I am skeptical about this idea. If people want to be in an open relationship, that is really their business. As long as both adults are consenting, then great. But reading this, it seems more like "destigmatizing" is actually an assault on monogamy. And I don't mean this in some religious or spiritual sense, like those who oppose LGBTQ relationships. I mean it in the sense that it seems like you are saying that a married person ought to be expected to acquiesce to an open relationship if their partner wants it. That doesn't really feel like consent to me. Much like the Savage Love mantra of GGG can be misinterpreted and misused or consent can be more complicated than a simple yes or no, it seems to be that destigmatizing often means acceptance. And though I think it's fine to say that you shouldn't intervene in other's affairs, it is a much harder thing to say that you must or should accept such a change in your own life and relationship.

It is not an assault on monogamy to open up a marriage. It can only be done with the consent of both partners, otherwise it is just cheating, which is not OK. Some of the prior posters essentially said that sex was getting awkward because they no longer viewed their spouse as a romantic partner but as a good, platonic friend. If things have progressed that far, then an open marriage seems like a viable option that both spouses could reasonably accept. After all, I didn't get upset in my single days if an ex who I remained friends with started dating someone new.

I think you misunderstand my point. I am the 11:02 poster and have no objection to people being in open marriages, provided as you say, there is genuine consent of the parties involved. (Though of course, that would mean the elimination of monogamy in their relationship.).

My point is more about telling people what they must accept in their own relationships; i.e. a new normal. I wouldn't want any partner to feel like compelled to consent to an open relationship. And I would think that a good number of people would be deeply hurt by the request, as it invariably involves a suggestion or statement that they are insufficient in some manner. And that might be true, but there are plenty of hurtful truths. And so, it's like so many other points of a relationship where the parties are at an impasse. Generally speaking, most of us would say that being in a marriage expresses some kind of commitment to physical intimacy, absent an agreement to the contrary by the parties. But the exact parameters of that are likely to vary widely. Does a partner need to [redacted to comply with forum guidelines]? Try once? Special occasions? Is it appropriate to threat divorce if partner refuses to engage in X activity? Is it truly consent if a person says yes under threat of divorce? Does the threat need to be explicit?

It's all well and good to say everyone can do what they like when people agree, but what about when they don't agree? In that case, is it really wrong to hold people to the agreements they made? I think generally we accept that anyone has the right to divorce, but I don't think that means that we need to salute everyone who changes their mind about a marriage. I certainly don't want to pressure anyone to stay in an abusive marriage, in fact, I think society ought to be very clearly support of exiting such a marriage. However, I also think that to the extent society expresses any opinion on a marriage it ought to be supportive of the institution and recognize that it isn't always easy and great. As an aside, I would remind some that the "butterflies" phase of life can be pretty brutal too.

I don't have it all figured out. I don't know everything that ought to be done. Perhaps the good news is that there will be more pre-marriage communication about these things. But at least as things stand now, a marriage is a monogamous commitment. If partners wish to define it differently, then I think that is on them to do so. And I think it is suspect to suggest that society ought to do anything to change the calculation there.

I have no great solution. Just my own words of caution as ethical non-monogamy becomes more accepted. And I confess, I am not well-versed that philosophy's view of post-commitment editing.

[Anonymous]

^^in many societies, they recognize that monogamy can’t fulfill all your needs. Flirtation or affairs on the side are socially accepted so long as it is discreet and certain obligations are met. Open marriage by another name. It doesn’t necessarily have to be worse, just different. Society seems to be flexible and creative enough to make all kinds of double speak work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.

As a guy, I have zero interest in an open relationship. I have a pretty high bar for I want, need, expect. A lot of that only comes from time and open communication. Another partner for the single purpose of intimacy wouldn't do it for me.

You make a lot of assumptions about open relationships.

NP

Nope, I know how they work. I was speaking to what I need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^in many societies, they recognize that monogamy can’t fulfill all your needs. Flirtation or affairs on the side are socially accepted so long as it is discreet and certain obligations are met. Open marriage by another name. It doesn’t necessarily have to be worse, just different. Society seems to be flexible and creative enough to make all kinds of double speak work.

And many of those societies treat women horribly with terrible double standards, where the side affairs are really just excusing men cheating because of patriarchal BS.

Monogamy is pretty easy to avoid if it isn't for you. Just you know, don't take a solemn vow to be monogamous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 10,000 articles about this online.

And the answer in the good ones is mostly "no."

[Anonymous]

To be fair, a big part of the reason “butterflies” exist is that you are unsure about how the other person feels. Does s/he like me? Does s/he think I’m attractive, sexy?

In marriage, we have acknowledged that we certainly do like the other person and we certainly do find them attractive. We’re not constantly wondering anymore how the other person feels.

Having that sense of security about the other person takes away a lot of the excitement for some people. It takes maturity to understand how long term love feels and find the excitement in that feeling. Many people take time to get to that maturity level, some people never acquire that kind of maturity and will always be looking for the next new thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I feel sort of like best friends/ roommates. I miss that butterflies and electric feeling.

Yes, it’s half mental so focus there first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, a big part of the reason “butterflies” exist is that you are unsure about how the other person feels. Does s/he like me? Does s/he think I’m attractive, sexy?

In marriage, we have acknowledged that we certainly do like the other person and we certainly do find them attractive. We’re not constantly wondering anymore how the other person feels.

Having that sense of security about the other person takes away a lot of the excitement for some people. It takes maturity to understand how long term love feels and find the excitement in that feeling. Many people take time to get to that maturity level, some people never acquire that kind of maturity and will always be looking for the next new thing.

This is partly true, but novelty in and of itself is incredibly sexy. And no matter how much we can role play or do it in a different room, for many of us, nothing can recreate the sense of passion than exploring someone brand new, different body, moves, scent, etc. I get some people are naturally monogamous, most people and almost all men aren't, so the pull is always there. If you have a good marriage and sex life, you can control whether to act on those feelings, but darn they are strong to sleep around.